straws and some seriously overwhelmed camels
I lost my mind yesterday.
And I did the typical girly thing–I called my mom and cried for two hours. Not a pretty cry either, a few glistening tears and a quivering chin. Oh no. This was the batten-down-the-hatches, call-in-the-EMTs-because-she’s-about-to-hyperventilate sobbing that only happens when you’ve truly reached your limit.
It was deeply cathartic. Mom knows me so well, and can talk me through almost anything.
So why the freak out?
I am responsible for a lot right now–more than I ever have been. I feel that really deeply. And I have a more complex, well-rounded life–work, school, church, social life–than I ever have before. I am deeply grateful for that, of course, because it means that I’m doing something right. Unfortunately, I feel really unequal to the challenges that brings into my life lately. My mom tells me that I do everything 180% all the time–I’m 180% there for my friends, 180% dedicated to being perfect in my work, 180% committed to my callings, 180% desiring to do my best in everything that I can do.
When you’re trying to do 12 different things, all of which you feel really strongly are important and essential to your life at that moment, at 180%…well, you get it. The math just doesn’t work.
So I wallowed for a while. And then, because she’s amazing, Mom and I worked out an action plan.
(Let me just stop here and say that any amazingness that I display in a crisis must certainly be genetic, because my mom is a rock star. Actually, any amazingness at all must be because of her…)
Mom used a great analogy that I really like but had never even thought of before. She said that I have all of these projects on my plate, so, just like any other “job,” I need to ask my Boss which ones I should prioritize. I love that idea–it seems so simple (by small and simple things…), but I’d never thought of it.
So I did that today–I asked Heavenly Father, who is the best, most loving Boss ever, which projects I should focus on today.
And I got an answer.
And I followed it.
And today is a better day. I don’t feel overwhelmed. I still feel weighted, a little, but not nearly as much as I did. I feel focused, and directed, and like I will be given everything that I need to succeed if I just keep asking.
And yesterday, when I was freaking out?
I got a lot of support from the quietly amazing people in my life who make me grateful every day that I have friends like them. Everywhere, amid the loud buzzing of my own frustration, were quiet voices expressing confidence in me, letting me know of their love and consideration, and giving me support. It came from surprising sources, in some circumstances, and continues to be quietly and unobtrusively appearing in my life.
It makes me know, more than ever, that my Heavenly Father loves me. He must love me to bless me with all of those people, you know?
So I’m managing today.
That’s worlds better than yesterday.