dream a little dream of me.

i had a dream on saturday night.

it was perhaps one of the most vivid, different dreams i’ve had in a really long time.  in the course of trying to explain it, it probably won’t translate.  perhaps the effort is to just try to grasp, in my very tangible hands, the ethereal wonder of it all.

it was a completely ordinary dream in all the ways that one would recognize.  no flying, no fun guest appearances by celebrities (remind me to tell you about my dream featuring john stamos one time–hey, we’re a C-list celebrity crowd here in carrie’s subconscious), no feats of superhero-like strength.  nobody was murdered, no mayhem was perpetrated against my person, no one was chasing me, no monsters, no fear.

instead, it seemed like a completely ordinary thing.

except that it wasn’t.

because while the details of place are fuzzy, i was holding the most beautiful blonde baby boy i’ve ever seen.  he was appropriately chubby, but not approaching buddha-baby status.  he had lovely rosy cheeks, but not the cheesy gerber baby kind, but just the kind that makes you feel like this kid has a sense of humor and vivacity for life even as an infant.

i like those kinds of kids.

(i can only imagine i would have those kinds of kids.  have you MET me?)

he had these curls–sort of golden/sandy blonde haired curls–and he just completely owned my heart.

he was young, and we (my dream husband and i–someone i already know…an interesting sidenote) were trying to decide what to name him. i remember, distinctly, trying out names in my mind as i looked at this beautiful boy’s face, trying to see which one matched him.

who was this little guy? i felt such a responsibility to get it right–to make the right choice and to really figure out what name would suit the soul that was so clearly individual and distinct.  he was his own person, i knew, and already had a name in mind. i just felt like i had to find it–and i was trying with all the analytical and heartfelt effort i could put into it…but oddly with nothing but joy.  no stress, no worry–i knew we’d figure it out and when we did it would be awesome.

(it came down, in my dream, to noah or benjamin–or perhaps some combination of both, but it never got decided before i woke up.)

most of my dreams feel symbolic.  i know there are those of you who will tell me (hi, saf!) that it’s really just garbage from our day filtering through our subconscious as we sleep, turning into images and replaying in a whole host of different scenarios. i think that’s probably true for most things. when i wake up from a particularly vivid dream, i usually know why i dreamed it. it makes sense to me–it often corresponds directly to what i’ve been thinking/worrying about.

but i’m also a believer in the power of dreams.

because if you wake up completely thrown or completely intrigued by a dream–if it has resonance for you that transcends that daily download of crap that we all go through–then it’s something to pay attention to

this dream was different.

really, really different.

i’ve had pregnancy dreams–all born of anxiety, or change, or whatever other symbolic meanings you want to attribute to them–that were muddled and weird.  we’ve all had those, i think.

but i’ve never–not ONCE–had a dream that featured me having a baby of my own, already born.

and this baby…it didn’t feel like a hodgepodge of babies that i knew.  he felt like a very real, very much an individual.

(and, no, i’m not pregnant. i PROMISE.)

it was an amazing dream.  it felt important.

for the first time, somewhere in my subconscious, i know i can be a mom.  not can be.  that’s the wrong phrase.  will be.

i will be a mom.

if you know me at all, you’ll know that that’s a mighty change.  no more doubt.  it will happen.  i don’t know when. i don’t know how. i don’t really care much about how Heavenly Father is going to make these miracles happen in my life.

i just know that they will.

and it will be the greatest dream come true.  EVER.

(and i hope my first is blonde, rosy-cheeked, sassy in the way he can only be if he’s mine and named noah  or benjamin. because that? would just be SO. COOL.)