still and small is hard to hear.

i realized towards the end of last week that i’m having what amounts to an internal tug of war between my head and my gut, my logic versus my instinct.

now some of you who read me often (hey! thanks! i redheart you!) might think “waaaaiiiit a minute. didn’t you just write about the importance of NOT following your instincts?” let me clarify for you. when i speak of gut/instinct in this context, i’m talking about that little voice, the one that defies logic.

regardless of your spiritual affiliation, i think this is a pretty standard concept–that we all have that gut instinct, whether you call it women’s intuition or fate or whatever, that guides us to do good things. sometimes those are scary things, things that seem impossible to achieve, but they are always things that encourage us to grow and to progress, to become the thing that we are destined to become, to be bigger and better and grader than we can imagine, in our fininite minds, we can be. it’s the Spirit. it’s there, everpresent when i’m doing what i’m supposed to be doing, and it leads me when i let it.

but here’s the thing.

it’s awfully quiet.

i came upon this scripture randomly today during church when i’d already been thinking about this topic for a little while. i think it very clearly explains how the Spirit works. it’s in 1 Kings 19:11-13

11 And he said, Go forth, and stand upon the mount before the Lord. And, behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the Lord; but the Lord was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the Lord was not in the earthquake:

12 And after the earthquake a fire; but the Lord was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice.

13 And it was so, when Elijah heard it, that he wrapped his face in his mantle, and went out, and stood in the entering in of the cave. And, behold, there came a voice unto him, and said, What doest thou here, Elijah?

it was only Elijah’s knowledge about the nature of the Spirit, about the nature of God’s approach, that allowed him to ignore the booming around him and tune into the quietness of the Spirit. i think this is a really important idea. the Spirit is not in the loud logic of our lives–it’s the small voice that guides us, the gentle whisper of an idea that passes by, and then passes by again, until we listen to it, the urge to call a friend out of the blue, the instinct to be kind rather than catty. for me, sometimes these whispers come in illogical answers to what makes sense on paper.

without getting into too much detail, i have a situation right now in my life that seems to make sense on paper in every way. the numbers add up, if you will, even though it’s not a numbers game. at the beginning, i felt good about it. i had no reason really not to, but beyond that, i felt pretty peaceful about it. now, even though i am being encouraged by other people (including my mom!) to give it a shot, and i want to keep an open mind, i can’t deny how much of that quiet voice is warning against it. even as i write and think about it now, i feel it so clearly. but warning’s not the right word. it’s just very clear: this won’t work. pit of my stomach surety. in this case, to call it my gut instinct would be a topographical as well as a metaphorical description.

but it should work. the logical part of me is battling with that feeling, saying: hey. what’s the harm? go for it. to contrast this logic, the most distinct impression comes: wait. just wait.

waiting doesn’t make any logical sense, though. it really doesn’t. and this isn’t the kind of waiting that is accompanied by indecision or fear. in fact, the waiting is scarier than the moving forward. i’ve never really been a standaround kind of girl.

so you see my dilemma. my logical side, the side that looks at the pro/con list and weighs and measures things, is saying to do one thing. my instinct, what i can only assume is the Spirit since it has never wavered, only gotten stronger after prayer, is saying something entirely different. something that doesn’t make any sense of all.

and i just don’t get it. not that i necessarily need to get it–so much of life is about taking one step into the darkness in faith and moving forward with that faith even when you don’t see the grand expanse ahead of you–but how do you explain to other people who don’t understand?

so i stand inbetween, waiting for a sign about which one is right. that in and of itself frustrates me, because i don’t like hanging out in indecision city. or maybe what i should say is that i don’t like doubting my instincts…and i don’t like it. i think some of it will resolve itself soon, but i don’t like it. i wish i could know for sure. but knowledge isn’t faith, right?

so i’ll be over here having faith, and trying to trust that voice in my heart. and telling my head to stifle it.

and in case none of this made any sense whatsoever to you, i’ll bribe you with this, which i have for some reason not been able to get enough of today. i even made part of it my facebook status–and that’s when you know a song really strikes you. it really has nothing whatsoever to do with anything, lest you begin to read my life in the plotline of rent (good heavens, no drama here), but it’s awesome and it’s youtube and i don’t think you need any more than that.

happy sunday, all.