snippet of my soul.

i have heard lately that women are difficult to understand.  one time i told my mom that i didn’t think i was that complicated, and she laughed right in my face.  i actually don’t think i’m complicated once you get to know me, but maybe i’m wrong.

regardless, here are some things that have been rattling through my brain lately, the reactions to which ought to tell you more than i ever could about me:

• i gave some seriously low grades this semester, one of which went to a student that i genuinely like.  i was pained by this, despite the fact that the performance merited the grade, and considered warning the student that the grade was coming rather than have that student discover it simply by logging in to check grades. i decided against it.  when i saw several students were just on the line between a grade and a grade +, i rechecked my math to make sure that i hadn’t missed something–but i didn’t change the grade.  as a teacher, i grapple constantly with the line between justice and mercy.
• submitting grades is always accompanied by some degree of fear, mixed with elation, mixed with relief.  but mainly fear–that i’ve screwed them up, that i’ll have to deal with student reactions, that i’ve done something wrong.  it all feels very important and eternal.  i am daunted by it.
• i was in the car yesterday afternoon, about to leave to pick up a gift for the reception that i was planning to go to in orlando, when a wave of exhaustion hit me.  the week caught up to me, right there, as i was driving on archer road.  i called my mom at home.  she wasn’t there.  i called her cell.  she didn’t pick up.  i shook my fist at the heavens. i called home again.  see, i needed permission that it was okay for me to not go to the reception.  i felt bad–i did want to go, but i just couldn’t see how i was going to survive the drive, the festivities (which would require serious social energy because most of the people were people that i didn’t know and i was planning on going alone), and the drive back without putting my car into a wall.  mom called back shortly after i u-turned to back home.  i still really needed her to tell me that the decision that i made was okay.  once she did, i went upstairs and fell asleep for like four hours, taking solace in the fact that i would buy them a bigger present than normal and that, having just been married, they probably wouldn’t even notice my presence.
• i have been thinking about writing something–two somethings–unrelated to school for a while now.  the first is something that actually has to be done in the next few months.  it’s always been sort of vague and the ideas never felt right.  this week, phrases started to come to me.  the second is something that was always sort of just a dream, but now i wonder if i actually want to commit it to paper.  at times i find myself musing about it, trying out word combinations and wondering how i’ll approach it.  somehow it feels like if i actually write it down, it will be real and will somehow get away from me.  going over them both again and again–or forcing myself to not think about it in favor of the work i have to get done–seems safer.  everything seems safer when i’m only imagining it.
• i was very zen about the future up until about a month ago, when the future all of the sudden seemed a whole lot closer.  now i alternate between being zen, fighting nausea, and maintaining my carefully constructed state of denial.  mom tells me to worry about the things that i have in my control and not anything else, and i do that well most days.  i am still anxiously engaged in my life, working hard on the things that i can work hard on and meeting goals every day.  i am actually very proud of that because it’s an entirely new mindset for me.  but i can see my life having equal chance of going in about three or four different directions in the next year, and not knowing which path to prepare for freaks the ever-loving crap out of me.  if i could learn anything, i would like to learn how to let go and enjoy the ride.