barcodes and wireless: tales from the library.

i’ve been in the library for about two and a half, three hours. i’ve been on the internets for way too much of that, but i also wrote 500 of the 1000 words that have been plaguing me. i’m about to write the remaining 250, and then i will move on with my life and i’m glad about that.

i don’t usually come to the library. mainly because i hate it. this new, wickedly expensive, and incredibly ill-designed library does have lots of places to study, but they’re all in these wide open spaces of designated study areas.  i prefer years past, when i would take the elevator to the eighth floor of the nc state stacks and lose myself in a carrel. there were people around, but there were also books. everywhere.  so you felt like you were hidden in a little hole that kept you safely far from annoying people.  and noise.

alas, that is not the case here.

i’m on the 4th floor, which is supposed to be the quiet floor.  the people who are sitting around me haven’t said a word.  they’re good. but these quiet floor study areas are conveniently located next to the loud, raucuous group study rooms (see ill-designed nightmare).  oh well.

taking a page from copper boom, because i want to, here are some of the things that i have thought since i’ve been here:

• are those girls, sitting across from each other at that table with their headphones on and laptops in front of them, actually IMing EACH OTHER?
• these chairs are ugly. who put these colors together?
• why is it necessary for that girl to continue to hold her guy’s hand ALL THE WAY THROUGH THE AISLE?  we get it. he’s yours. you are in love.  move on already.
• these little slidey elliptical tables on the side of the chairs are cool.  and golf guy just moved one from another chair.  who knew?
• i’m pretty sure backwards baseball cap guy (not as cute as luke, unfortunately) sat at that table just so that he could try to hit on IMing girl.  she is not having it.  she is in the highlighting zone.
• i have the worst view ever.  roof tiles.  but they’re kind of pretty.  is there a pattern….?
• why are these chairs SO UGLY? who would put orange and blue together….oh.  sigh.
• wireless is the reason that i get nothing done.
• haha.  no chairs.  sucker.
• starbucks must make a frickin’ fortune off of these people.  why exactly can’t they funnel some money into the english department?  or at least buy some nice big ottomans?  this chair is not the most comfortable thing ever.  next time, i bring a pillow.

back to work, y’all.

flounder isn’t just a fish.

i ate two chocolate chip muffins on friday. i haven’t eaten baked goods from a grocery store bakery in AGES. i haven’t touched a vegetable in days.  the dinners for the past two days have consisted of basically ramen and some meat.

i snapped at my roommate because i was frustrated about something entirely different.  i apologized, and all is well, but i did it.

i sprawled on my bed on friday afternoon and watched grey’s anatomy instead of doing anything productive. i got up, went to the gym, and came home and did some more nothing.

1000 words are paralyzing me.  ONE THOUSAND WORDS. i have no idea why.

i haven’t even started on the paper that i am supposed to present at a major professional conference in approximately two and a half weeks.  i also still haven’t made my rental car reservation for that trip.

i am currently contemplating basically moving into the library because home is no longer a place where i can work. as much as that pains me to say, it’s very true. i have no idea how to effectively do that, since i’ve never had to do it in my entire life, so any suggestions would help.

i feel overwhelmed, and wish i had someone to take some of the load off, but i genuinely have no idea what anyone could help with even if they were willing (which i know so many are).

bottom line: i’m struggling. a lot.

good news friday, vol one: underdogs.

i don’t know if you’ve been paying attention, but the world is not a happy place right now.  turn on cnn, or go to cnn.com, go to the gym in the morning and plant yourself in a bike in front of the tv playing bloomberg information television, and you’ll see it.

it’s not pretty.

and while i suppose i could moan, shake my fists at the heavens, whine, complain, fret, panic, and freak, i would rather not.  i have my reasons for refusing to fear–mainly my faith.  i refuse to panic. panic never got anyone anywhere.  deliberate, careful, measured action, not fear, guides the wise.  so that’s what i’m trying to do.

but that’s not what this post is about. that’s all just a preamble to say–the news is bad. and DEPRESSING. and that’s not all that’s going on in the world, you know?  good things are happening all around us. but the good things aren’t sexy, so people don’t report on them.

so from now on, in an effort to promote some faith, hope, and optimism, i’ll be presenting a good news moment.  today’s comes from the world of college football, but there’s a principle behind it. so even if you don’t like and follow college football (WHAT?!?), stick with me here.

the scene: corvallis, oregon, where oregon state is located.

what: the showdown between oregon state and usc, the number one ranked school in the nation.  unstoppable against ohio state and quick to smash virginia, usc seemed unbeatable, even on the road.  oregon state, though, has a history of being able to topple the giants with one well-aimed pebble from their football slingshot.

at halftime, the oregon state beavers had kept the usc trojans to 0 and 60 some-odd yards.  SIXTY YARDS IN THIRTY MINUTES OF PLAY.  the score was 21-0.  the third quarter saw the trojans come back, and they narrowed the gap to 7.

and then this happened:

sometimes, the underdogs do win.  sometimes, it’s about finding opportunities and being ready for them.  sometimes, believing that the amazing can happen and running with all your heart towards that amazing is more important than your qualifications. sometimes,  even though you’re 5′7″ and everybody counted you out, you become a college football player–and wake up one day the biggest star in college football overnight.

life is about heart and not about the odds, or what anybody tells you, or how much you have to face.

sometimes beavers are bigger than mighty trojan warriors.

sometimes underdogs win.

happy friday everyone.  run towards your particular brand of amazing.

really more like a big giant chasm.

I FORGOT TO WRITE TO MY BEST FRIEND.

literally.

it completely escaped my mind. it wasn’t on my daily to-do list, and i hadn’t checked my calendar to see the last time i wrote him, and so it’s been MORE THAN TWO WEEKS and it’s never been that long between letters, not in TWO YEARS, and i hate that i am ending his mission like this. i am a terrible friend.

or maybe i’m really not, and he’s the most forgiving person in the whole entire world and so when i email him and tell him what’s up and that IT’SCOMING!ISWEAR! he’ll probably laugh at me.  in fact, i know he will.

but i hate it.

i hate that really important, essential things are slipping through the cracks. and that there’s not really anything more that i can do about it.

i need another me.

dissertation lesson number 459.

when the english library specialist tells you when you FIRST START GRADUATE SCHOOL AT THIS INSTITUTION that, when you request articles or books from interlibrary loan because we are a state school and don’t have subscriptions to things like european romantic review even though it’s the foundational journal in my field and associated with the foundational organization in my field, you should really put the ISBN and accession number on there to speed processing?

LISTEN TO HIM.

i could do the happy dance all day for the turnaround time since i started doing it.  usually? about 12 hours.

TWELVE HOURS.

do you understand how amazing that is?

i bow down at the feet of john van hook and his nuggets of library knowledge.

now if someone would just RETURN THE BOOK I NEED I ALREADY RECALLED IT DANGIT AND I NEED IT RIGHT NOW.

or: don’t procrastinate your research.

the end.

the one thing NOT on my to-do list.

i am tired.

it’s a good kind of tired, i suppose, but tired nonetheless.

and it’s only wednesday.

before october 1st, i have about one million things to do.

yeah, i don’t know why i’m here either.

except to say that i’m going to san francisco in december. to interview for jobs that i have yet to apply for.  i made my reservations at the hotel yesterday, with a friend who’s going to split the room with me.  we’re about five blocks from chinatown and close to union square. she’s never been to SF and i haven’t been there in AGES, so since we’ll be there for MANY days (saturday through tuesday…it feels like many when you’re paying san francisco prices which interestingly enough are less than detroit prices), i feel that sightseeing will be in order.

when we were sitting there in front of the computer, about to click the “reserve” button, my heart nearly pounded out of my chest.

I’M GOING.

please pray that i will get lots of interviews.  i can’t imagine how depressing it would be to go, spend the money, and then have no interviews to show for it.  we’ll mix and mingle and be incredibly schmoozey, to build relationships, but still. my cv isn’t the strongest, but there’s creativity in my work and a diversity in my approach.  if i can get interviews, i can sell them.  i am a good interviewer.

bah. can’t think about it.

yesterday i also had a job search meeting with the job search guru, the assistant/associate/idon’tknowtherightterm graduate coordinator.  he’s awesome and answers all of my random questions without making me feel like i am a) crazy and b) needy (both of which i most certainly am, a little bit, when it comes to this subject).

i asked him about this blog.

i’ve been wondering if it’s a liability, given that i talk about the dissertation, my life, teaching, shoes, and all manner of ridiculousness that surrounds my life as a grad student.  once upon a time, he said that they googled people, or might, in the course of job searches.  that makes sense. i google things all of the time.

(my best friend makes me google things from australia. i am the googler.)

but i wondered if somehow because this was not a particularly anonymous blog, if it would hurt me.  i got to thinking…i am not ashamed of anything that i’ve written here.  i could answer questions about it in an interview, if needed.

what i didn’t expect was for amazing job search guru to tell me to USE IT.  that if i felt comfortable enough, i could use it as evidence of my engagement with a larger cultural/textual community.

i don’t think i will, but it sure made me feel better. he said “talking to you about it, it’s pretty clear it’s not at all a negative.” and that made me very happy, and will make you happy because it made me reconsider getting rid of this blog and starting a new, anonymous one.  which you didn’t even know i was thinking about, did you?

yeah, i don’t tell you everything.

last thing, which is actually quite exciting to me and that fact is rather pathetic, is that i get to go office supply shopping on friday or saturday.  i have to get printer ink (oy. i’ll be bankrupt in seconds.) and highlighters, printer paper, and some sort of system by which to keep track of my job search stuff. i’m thinking posterboard to make a chart and some stickers or something. like elementary school!  yay!  i’m imagining that it will take me quite a while to figure out my system.  if, you know, by a while you mean the fifteen minutes i allot myself before the alarm bell in my head that tells me i have hundreds of pages to read and many more pages to write and WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT PENS YOU CRAZY?!?

but it should be fun.

back to the to-do list, which contains items like “shower” and “get dressed” because, really, those are important markers of a successful day.

and if i don’t schedule them, they may not get done.

sigh.

because apparently i’m bipolar.

someone on my facebook* wall today, responding, i guess, to my status which said that i was “somewhere doing something that took effort, and wished to be somewhere else doing something that didn’t”:

“you’re an interesting person. one day, you’re all excited about homework and dissertation and then the next day it’s the most vile and evil thing in the world. i find it kind of amusing.”

glad i can be of service.

*also, if we’re not facebook friends, that’s lame.  email me.

in twenty words or less.

43 pages–gothic done.

hallulujah!

uninvited drama. blech.

accessory shopping saturday with style guru. plus pancakes!

crowded gym.

antisocial.

i’ve taken this * thing a bit too far.

if you’ve been around at all recently, you know that mondays don’t tend to be good to me.  i don’t know why. i’m veering towards insufficient sleep based on what has become the ritual of sunday naps in the afternoon, which leave me more inclined to watch army wives at 1 a.m. than actually go to sleep.

but yesterday i was quite excited to tackle the day. i’ve made my schedule in my handy dandy blue notebook and although it’s already required modification, it’s okay.

there’s lots to tell you–about minor and major miracles in my life*,  about things that are coming up that both freak me out and excite the HECK out of me so i don’t think about them in too much detail**, about how this week’s madness is the fruit of my procrastination, about how excited i am that the west wing is coming back on bravo and how even though i really have no business adding two more hours of daily TV to my world, i will tape them and be glad of it*** and about how utterly joyful i was to find a marathon on on friday when i got home from work****, about how i had a dream that my birthday went by and i was the one who totally forgot about it and how that was more funny than sad, and about how i miss my family and thought briefly yesterday about finding a time when i could just drive up there and surprise them.  i may still do it.  maybe after the detroit conference.

oh, didn’t i mention that i’m going to the motor city?

yeah.

so, i have all of these things to tell you but no time to tell you them.  but they’re on the back burner, just waiting for dead time at work or frustration with writing or brainfried break time to reveal themselves.

hang with me.

but in the meantime, it’s monday, and i’m trying to make it work.*****

have a wonderful day!

–

*do you ever have those times when you are completely stressed out about something(s), and you don’t think to pray about them because they seem like problems that you will just solve later and so you don’t want to bother with them now because as much as they are subconsciously really freaking you out, you have bigger fish to fry? and then all of the sudden out of the clear blue sky, problems get solved without any intervention on your part but entirely because Heavenly Father is merciful and kind and loves you and decides to help you out, as any parent would, just because He knows that the problems are there?

yeah. those happened.  two of them.  this weekend. maybe three.  actually three.  i am a blessed girl.

**not limited to but including job search. but mainly…other things.

***i live in way lower middle class land. no tivo for me. i work it old school, with a VCR, a timer, and some seriously recycled tapes.  that’s how i deal with fall TV.  every day has a schedule.  i tape them and watch them when i have time, when i have a break, or on sundays when i don’t work.  we’ll see how long this lasts.

****oh president santos/jimmy smits, i love you. but i love josh more.

*****if kenley doesn’t get kicked off of project runway soon, i will do damage to some inanimate object in frustration. she’s so…annoying!  who saw that coming? i sure didn’t.

in which i think i need to start paying attention to utah football and live blog the second half of UF-UT.

ohio state scored four touchdowns against troy.  troy scored a touchdown and a field goal.  OHIO STATE allowed TROY to score on them, and TROY held them to only four touchdowns.  discuss the imminent destruction of the ohio state program or, as ESPN called it, the O-H-N-O.

nc state won.  that, in and of itself, would be big news. but they won, in overtime, against EAST CAROLINA. you know, the giant killer? so, if you kill the giant killer, does that make you a giant giant killer? for at least a week, before they lose to podunk ACC state, i’d like to pretend that ncstate doesn’t suck as bad as they do. kthanks.

more upsets–boise state over oregon. colorado over west virginia.  if i can hope for more upsets, i hope for auburn pulling one out on lsu. i hate lsu. i really, really do.  and i would like for that national champ to go down. and auburn does it to national champs. remember us? last year? yeah.

they do it. i hope they do it again tonight. i may try to watch that game, but we’ll see if i can write a chapter half while i do it.  i’m not superoptimistic, but we’ll see. i’d really like to see that go down.

byu won.  again.  and apparently utah state is something to behold. since WHEN do i need to pay attention to the mountain west?

the world is crazy and i am going to start caring right….now.

all right.  florida versus tennessee. you know it’s the game that i want to talk about. these are my thoughts, sort of as they happened but mainly afterwards because i was doing laundry at the same time:

• phillip fulmer may very well have a coronary infarction on the field.  i mean, if i was him, my brain would explode.  but i’m just saying…the emts ought to be standing by. like right by. the first time he threw something, i laughed.
• i think that possibly the volunteers, at least for the first quarter, have some sort of psychological aversion to the endzone. i don’t know how else to explain their behavior.  i mean, other than that they suck.
• when the volunteers fumbled TWO YARDS from the endzone, i may have laughed again.
• sometimes, the superman thing with tebow gets old.  because i buy it and then when he makes normal quarterback mistakes, i get angry.  because superman? superman doesn’t make mistakes. that said, in comparison to the fumbling, tackled, inept jonathan crompton who can’t keep track of the clock? he IS superman just by being competent. he’s just really so bad.
• verne lundquist is a rock god. the other yahoo that was commentating? idiot.  ole miss is not an away game.  hello. AND MIAMI WASN’T THEIR FIRST GAME.  good grief. i know more about gator football than this nimrod.
• my questions: what does a color commentator do? and why are the women always the sideline reporters? and how can i get that job so that i can ask annoying questions to really angry head coaches?
• at three minutes before the end of the third quarter, cbs showed streams of tennessee fans leaving the stadium.  i laughed.
• when tennessee finally scored, i thought that they had fumbled again. because that’s what normally happens, you know. and then…i realized…that they actually didn’t score.  at all.  when a knee is down, a knee is down. and then they did.  yay them.
• but actually, i really wanted the gators to shut tennessee out.  but i was afraid to say that or type it or otherwise articulate it.  was that wrong of me to hope? probably. that’s why they scored.
• i feel like i have damaged my karma here already, but i’m just telling you what i saw.
• “florida eats clock.”  oddest. comment. ever.
• tebow runs into a photographer on the sidelines.  he stops to see if the photographer was okay.  the idiot commentator says ‘i’m surprised he didn’t stop for a picture. chuckle chuckle chuckle.”  i’m surprised he still has a job.
• why is it that i feel badly about a losing team?  they should have lost. they were a big mess, all over the field and without much focus at all.  they couldn’t complete. and yet, when they show those pity shots of the losing players on the sidelines, i feel compelled to empathy.
• maybe that saves my karma

also, as a sidenote, did you know that UF is retiring these commercials? i’m sort of sad.

but these are the replacements, i think.  it doesn’t suck. it is definitely less cheesy.

so…i’ve been called to do something great.  live college blogging is over; dissertation work begins again.

GO GATORS!