vignettes.

Things aren’t all so tangible and sayable as people would usually have us believe; most experiences are unsayable, they happen in a space that no word has ever entered, and more unsayable than all other things are works of art, those mysterious existences, whose life endures beside our own small, transitory life.–Rainier Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet
i am clamoring to tell you how i feel right now, but i have no idea how to word it.  i feel weighted beneath a whole lot of things that i’m not sure i want to acknowledge, for most of them stem from so many insecurities that have yet to leave me.  when will they leave?  i wonder sometimes.  i wonder if they ever will, or if they, like so many memories, will hang on like annoying houseguests who have far outstayed their welcome.

My own brain is to me the most unaccountable of machinery – always buzzing, humming, soaring roaring diving, and then buried in mud. And why?–Virginia Woolf

i find myself unaccountably (sorry, virginia, to steal your word, but sometimes your words are better) jittery. i can’t quite focus, despite the many prayers to do so. the only thing that helps is activity. so i work out. a lot.  and yet, ironically or perhaps not at all, i lose nothing.  life makes me laugh.  a lot. but i find myself frustratingly unable to focus, to get this FRUSTRATING chapter finished. i speak of a literal chapter, the gothic one that i’ve been working on for AGES, but i suppose i mean more than that as well.

A journey is a person in itself; no two are alike. And all plans, safeguards, policing, and coercion are fruitless. We find that after years of struggle that we do not take a trip; a trip takes us.–John Steinbeck.

i am without a plan, really.  perhaps that’s a good thing.  i have no idea where i will be in a year.  i have no idea what i will be doing. i have no idea what to do except to keep stepping, into the dark. i think i use that analogy a lot.  but to me, right now? that dark is not just darkness. it is all-encompassing fog.  have you ever been in fog like that?  i grew up in it.  everything’s quiet. you feel entirely alone, even if you know that you are on a campus full of other high schoolers who are trying to navigate their way through it too. you unexpectedly run into someone, laugh nervously, move aside, and keep stepping.  but you are never unaware of your own blindness, even while seeing.

that is how i feel.  i feel surrounded by everything and nothing, as weird as that sounds.  protected and loved, for sure, but absolutely being pushed onto a road that i have never walked before.

i am scared.

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.–Eleanor Roosevelt

i realized the other day that i have terrible posture.  i still sort of slump into myself, a habit born of years of wanting that to actually happen–wanting no one to notice me.  it’s not a position of strength. actually, it begins to hurt my back after a while.

it’s time to square my shoulders, isn’t it?  stand up straight?

yeah, i think so.

Don’t waste life in doubts and fears; spend yourself on the work before you, well assured that the right performance of this hour’s duties will be the best preparation for the hours and ages that will follow it.–Ralph Waldo Emerson.

i’m going to the stadium now, to walk up and down some stairs for an hour and think of nothing except why i have a really unnatural affection for chris brown and why my heart wants to explode when i climb stairs.

then i will come home and read some research and take some notes.  and then i will do church things. and then i will read some more.  and tomorrow, i will do something somewhat similar.  and the day after that.  and the day after that.

and i will live my way into my answers.

right?

only real nerds need apply.

i’d marry any one of them and their crazy a cappella star wars antics.

(and yes, i do understand that it’s the same guy in four different shirts. i’m crazy, but not stupid. yet.)

mania. part one. surely bound to be followed by sequels that rival even the worst horror movie.

things that have perplexed me in the last twenty four hours:

• why on earth the roofing company that is working on the roofs (why do i want to write rooves?) of two buildings near ours decided to park the ginormously obnoxious skip (sorry…british slip…dumpster) catty corner ACROSS THE THREE PARKING SPOTS RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR BUILDING. in a parking lot already devoid of extra spots.  oh well. bob on TBL would call it accidental exercise.  but i get angry every single time i see it.  it’s just stupid. and inconsiderate.
• why all of the sudden the boys at the front desk of the gym want to smile and say things to me when i have been systematically ignored by the poor beleaguered student workers for…uhm…five months.  one of them caught me so by surprise yesterday morning that i croaked out a ‘good’ in response to his smiling ‘how are you?’ and realized that he was the first person i’d spoken to that day.
• why do i always look perpetually pissed off during exercise?
• how it is even possible that someone could say, and mean, that every single time they see me i look thinner.  they see me once a week.  it can’t be that miraculous.  really.  and if it’s the case WHY CAN’T I SEE IT TOO?!? good grief, it’s like there’s some sort of magical password and i don’t have it and i want it and i want it right now.
• is there some sort of gremlin rule related to research for a dissertation chapter, like you can’t read after 11 p.m. or you mustn’t think that you are close to finishing because THAT’S when your entire world will explode with paper and books and things that you MUST. READ. NOW. or is that just me and my process?
• why i must fill out an affirmative action form for EVERY. SINGLE. JOB. I. APPLY. FOR. i am white and a girl.  good enough?
• how is it that i have spent like $50 at the grocery store in the last week and yet feel as though i have NOTHING to eat?  that can’t actually be true, right?  what am i missing?  and why can’t black bean burgers be free?

that is all.  have a kickin’ weekend everybody and GO GATORS!

i cried.

this is the outer pillar outside the Los Angeles temple of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, picture courtesy of this article outlining what has been going on there.

you may not know about temples. you may not understand why this would be a big deal.  let me share my experience, as much as possible, with you.

i grew up in Los Angeles.  my mom often traveled the miles from our home in the san fernando valley downtown to attend the temple, but because i was a child, i did not go with her. sometimes i stayed with my grandparents as she would travel with other church members, always returning with a smile and shoulders carrying fewer burdens.  as i got older, i went with her. i didn’t go inside.  i spent my time reading books–shocker–on the grounds.

it didn’t matter what i did.  read. wander. sit. think. wait. regardless, whenever i stepped onto those grounds, the world went away.  the temple sits on very busy santa monica boulevard. you cannot imagine, unless you frequent large cities, the noise.  it’s a huge, busy, ever-bustling thoroughfare with the traffic, pollution, and commercial enterprises to prove it.  but when you turn onto the street that leads to the temple grounds, and then enter the temple grounds, that noise goes away.

it is replaced, instead, with the peace of the Spirit, meant to uplift and edify.  the temple grounds are open to anyone who wishes to visit. there is a visitors’ center for those who desire to learn more.  visitors may walk around. while they may not enter the temple, as it is a sacred space set apart from the world, they may enjoy the peace that i did as a child.

i have never been to a temple grounds where i was not met with a smile. the temple has always been a place to go to have my burdens lightened, to be able to serve, to feel that peace that is unavailable among the hustle and bustle of the world.

to see this? vandalism on the temple grounds?  it breaks my heart to now see what is happening to this place that i love so much.

i am not afraid.  the Lord’s work will not be frustrated.

but my heart hurts for this place of peace that is now the focus of so much turmoil.

not.

she’s the cool kid, so i’m jumping on her bandwagon.

i am not afraid of challenges, though i am afraid of failing at them. i am not stoic, much as certain circumstances make me wish i was. i am not difficult to read. i am not often at a loss for words, but lately that comes with greater frequency. i am not a believer in sitting by and waiting for life to happen, although i used to be.

i am not likely to be up early, ever, unless that early morning errand is followed by a nice nap.  i am not averse to making my own bread, learning to make my own clothes, or otherwise living by a pioneer standard; however, i do not have time to do that right now.  i am not frequently zen-like; i am almost always thinking of something that has me stewing.  i am not sure what no stress feels like anymore. i am not a fan of dishes, laundry, or mopping floors, although i feel ridiculously productive once i’ve finished those chores.  i am not sure i can marry someone who won’t agree to take out the trash.

i do not believe any aspect of life will ever be truly easy; that’s why i’m always surprised by them when they come around. i do not often believe in my own work until i see evidence that it isn’t the crap that i make it out to be.  i do not wear heels very often, but the more often i do the more i love them. i am not a girly-girl, but i also don’t ever want to pee in the woods.  i am not afraid to sweat like a crazy person during workouts anymore–if someone has a problem with that, that’s theirs and not mine.  i am not afraid of questions.

i am not kidding when i say that i bleed orange and blue, although i am a bit surprised about how that all happened.  i do not feel out of my element talking about college football, although i have a lot left to learn. i am not looking forward to fall saturdays outside the swamp. i am not amused by arrogance, which is why i don’t like professional sports.  i do not think there will ever be an era of gator football like this one, because tebow is truly one-of-a-kind.

i will not eat cottage cheese, under any circumstance. i am not going to listen to your complaining without suggesting ways to fix the situation. i do not have patience with people who refuse to do something to change the things that don’t work in life.  i do not ever want to be a stereotypical anything, but i rebel against those that critique others for, in the course of being who they are, fit into those molds. i do not understand why i have such vivid memories of some things but have whole years that are foggy and seemingly unimportant.

i am not afraid of my family history of breast cancer. i am not inclined to get genetic testing, even though my mom may do it.  i do not believe in chasing trouble, nor do i believe that such information would do anything other than inspire a lifetime of freakouts.  so, i am not delusional, but i do what i want.  i will not live my life in fear.

i do not work well without some sort of pressure. i do not make deadlines very often–i usually am off by a week or so, which i hate.  i am not usually early to places anymore, which invites more anxiety than necessary.  i am not like my mother in so many ways–i fill my gas tank when it’s almost empty, i pay my bills on the day that they’re due, i stay up obscenely late, i buy clothes that she would never look at–but i am not ignorant of the fact that when i bang dishes around the kitchen in a passive-aggressive demonstration of bubbling frustration, i am exactly like her. i do not have a problem with that weird balance.

i will not be in a band, although i’d like to be in my secret hearts of hearts.  i will not have twelve kids, although i once wanted that many. i will not travel the world, more than likely, because i would rather spend my money on something closer to home.  i would not be surprised if my future family involves children that i adopt.

i do not want to live here forever, but i don’t want to leave.  i am not usually the one who understands her own potential; more likely than not, i am the girl looking back and saying ‘what the heck…look how far i’ve come.’ i do not know who i would be if i hadn’t come to florida, hadn’t gone to graduate school, hadn’t grabbed my life and made of it what i wish.  i am not a fan of regrets and wishing for do overs.

i am not who i once was.

what are you not?

an open letter to my muscle groups.

dear major muscle groups including the brain,

i just want to apologize in advance to you.

you sort of know, from today’s 3.25 mile jaunt in the morning and punishing crossramp interval session not twelve hours later, what’s coming. yeah, it’s going to be one of those weeks.

pure exhaustion. seeing how hard we can work. i have kicked it into high gear physically, and am aiming to kick it into high gear mentally tomorrow too.

i know.

i am sorry, but my will trumps your whining.  advil masks that pretty well.

just so you know, this should last approximately two weeks. then, if you need to, we can collapse a bit.  but for the next two weeks, please bear with me. give it all you’ve got.  let’s see how awesome we can be together.

my will and your strength.

it could be amazing.

love,

the determined one.

reasons to love today.

i bought new makeup and a new haircolor in a box (nothing drastic…just a little more golden) and got to hang out with one of my fashion icons and fun favorite people while doing it.

i found a little item going on my christmas list. and another.

i tried on the HOTTEST pair of frivolous shoes that i have no use for whatsoever but that still looked AMAZING on. (how is it that shoes can make your butt look better?)

i ran for three minutes straight, twice.  not counting the two 1.5 minute sets that came inbetween. that’s the longest i’ve gone and i was totally surprised that it wasn’t as horrible as i thought it would be.  i’m excited to see what i can do next week.

mondays are usually suckage. today, i win at life.

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cxv: so i put on my devil may care attitude and humiliated myself on the blogosphere.

i don’t know if it’s the late night, the fact that the entire lower half of my body is screaming at me from the crossramp intervals i did tonight at the gym, my lingering high over the fact that i almost fit into jeans at buckle even though that’s like where real girls shop, or the fact that i am shamelessly in need of some validation for my efforts, but here we go.

remember how i told you i had before and after pictures? but that i wasn’t sure if i wanted to share?

i’ma doin’ it.

(mainly because i’m studying about courage and this takes some and i’m all about embracing those opportunities right now.  see earlier comment about going to buckle.)

august 2004.

(please remember: worst picture ever taken of me ever ever ever. i had just moved my entire house in in the blistering florida heat. but…yeah.)

november 2006.

(that’s the best friend, btw.  last time i saw him.)

october 2008.

i’m in the middle. you know, in case you didn’t know.

october 2008.

and me on the left.  you know.  in case you didn’t know…again.

so there you go, adoring internets.  it’s hard for me to see the difference, especially between the 2006 photo and the 2008 ones.  but i hear tell that there’s quite the difference.  whatever.  i find the weirdest thing about this whole thing how my brain can’t catch up.

someday it will.  that’ll be a good day, i think.

maybe it’ll be the day that i buy $80 victory jeans at buckle.

we’ll see.

tiny update.

sometimes, i love people.