from a message that i wrote to a friend, and then another message i wrote to a different friend, all from the past twelve hours:
…I sometimes think that the Lord works in mysterious and wonderful and awe-inspiring ways that I will never understand. I sometimes look at my life, at the person I am now compared to who I was before, and shake my head in wonder at how it all came to be that way.
And then I realize that I had nothing to do with it, and that it was all the Lord.
And then I’m really amazed. He has infinite faith in my potential. When I can’t see it, He does. He thinks that I am far more brave, awesome, and capable than I do. So He puts me in situations that I think I absolutely can’t handle, that I don’t feel ready for, that are calculated to teach and try and refine me. Sometimes I feel ready to buckle. Sometimes I feel ready to fall.
But I never do, if I’m letting Him carry me. That’s not to say that I don’t fail–heaven knows I do that too often–but when He’s carrying me, when I ask to be put in the hollow of His hand? I cannot fall, nor can I really ever fail permanently. Just the little failures (which though they seem huge at the time) that do all the work on me that He needs to have done. Smooth out the rough edges and knock away the chips on my shoulder. You know how it goes.
You may think that I’m talking about you, about what you have before you. I’m actually not, although I can see how you might see yourself in that scenario. That’s just what I thought of when I read your message. And I felt inclined to share.
Life is good and hard right now. Scary on a level that it hasn’t been in a while. Lots of things I don’t know about, lots of future I can’t foresee. I think you probably understand this far better than anyone else I know. For a while there, I trembled. Let it get the best of me. Thought the worst of myself and of what might happen. Let Satan chatter in my head as he so often likes to do.
I don’t tremble any more. I just repeat my constant prayer for peace and direction, and know that I am safe when I am traveling on the Lord’s paths. It’s weird. Awesome, in the truest sense of that word. Being led is wonderful, but you have to learn how to be a good follower. I think I am being taught that lesson. I am trying VERY hard to be a good student.
…i genuinely sometimes think that i will never figure these things out. but other times, times like now, i just have to CLING…and i literally do mean cling…to that which i know to be true. to the impressions that i have gotten that were so strong at the time. to the feelings of peace that at times are only memories, but even as memories are still powerful enough to pick me up and push satan out. i feel like that clinging is the strongest act of faith i can muster at times. sometimes i think it’s the hardest thing ever. because you’re not having that feeling of peace right then–you are remembering that answer that you got before. you are having faith that the answer is still the same, that the blessings are still in force, that the covenants you made have power to take you out of whatever trial you are in, or at least to help you weather the storm with grace and courage.
i think it’s powerful precisely because it’s so hard. i think it’s powerful because it’s taken me this long to figure out how to do it. i think it’s powerful because i am literally, every moment that i do it, placing myself in the Lord’s hands and asking Him to do with me what He will.
i’ve been giving lots of advice lately. i do that a lot actually, though i find it fascinating lately that the advice i am giving ought really to be directed at me.
“is it scary? of course. is it what you want to do? yes? then do it. you’ll never be really ready. just do it. life is not about wondering ‘what if?’ that’s too hard.”
“you can do ANYTHING. if you don’t believe it, believe me until you do.”
it’s so easy when it’s someone else. it’s so easy when it’s not you, staring down the barrel of a future undefined, wondering where you’re going to go. it’s so easy to see clearly for the people you know so well and love more.
for myself? not so much.
i spoke a while back about feeling like i was walking in a fog. i think i still do feel that way, really, if i think about it, but maybe now i’m realizing that it’s a rather crowded fog. people are there who love me, support me, admire me, have confidence in me. most importantly, i have the hand of my Father who is leading me, ever so gently, down whatever path it is that i can’t see. sometimes i forget He’s there. sometimes i don’t know if i’m still on the path. but if i ever lose my bearings, He reminds me that He’s there, and i try to just keep following.
i’m not sure that anyone else will understand what i mean. perhaps this is just me speaking into a void because i need to speak the words that are true for me. but if you, like me, are wondering where you’re going and what you’re going to do, if the fear that faces you sometimes seems calculated to knock you flat, know that i understand. i really, truly, completely understand.
you’re not alone.
even though you feel like it, you’re not.
reach out and grab someone’s hand. they’re all around you.
we just forget, that’s all.
