today we got our marriage license.
as we were sitting there, signing documents and giving social security numbers and attesting to the accuracy of the information we had provided by raising our right hand and swearing that it was all true, i realized that this is the one time i’ll do that.
that was cool.
tomorrow marks the beginning of the big move. because of a series of what can only be described as hilarious timing debacles, i have to turn in my keys for this apartment by noon and can only pick up the keys to the new place at noon. so we’ll be loading all of my earthly possessions, save a few essentials and my mattress, into a uhaul cargo van tomorrow night.
i had been a bit worried about the move. there’s nothing like smashed toes and heavy boxes to bring out the very best of your personality, you know? but we had a heap of stuff to take to goodwill today, in the death humid hot, and we did it cheerfully. my beloved bff doesn’t even seem to mind my procrastination or my need to do things my way and in my timeframe. in fact, he seems to understand it and quickly falls into whatever helpful role i need him to fill.
it’s been wonderful.
i opened my wedding dress garment bag last night and saw, right before my eyes on the bodice, a small stain. the stain saga with my dress has thus far been confined to the sash, which is a really long story not worth rehashing because my future mil picked it up and said it’s perfect now, but now apparently there is one on the bodice of my perfectly white dress. it’s smaller than a pencil eraser and is tan, not black or red or anything absurd. it would probably not even be noticeable.
but i noticed.
and i cried. in fact, if i have cried hard about anything related to problems, stress, and misunderstandings related to the wedding, it was this. as the bff held me and i cried for my two minute freakout, i said “i just wanted one thing to be perfect–and it was my dress.”
you well know that i am trying very hard not to sweat the small stuff about the wedding. but i wanted my dress to be perfect–at least for those initial moments that he sees me, that we take pictures, that we bask in the fact that we are now married forever and for always, no ifs ands or buts. i don’t care about much anything else. if it rains, okay. we’ll figure it out. if something goes wrong with the sound system, we’ll figure it out. if the cupcakes are hideous, we’ll figure it out.
but my dress. ohmydress.
so i freaked out a little bit. he let me. and then he told me that he was absolutely sure that i was going to be exquisitely gorgeous and that we’d figure it out. he’s right about the last part. mom comes on tuesday, i talk to her on sunday, and we’ll figure out what i should do.
or maybe i’ll just forget about it and realize that it, like me, is a bit flawed but nonetheless perfect for him and for that day.
i wanted to write a deep post about leaving and moving on and the strangeness of a house that is now in transition, about going by the new apartment and seeing that it’s empty and beginning to picture us there and thoughts of flower boxes and decorating, about moving on and moving out and moving closer to the rest of my life, about how strange it will be to be the last one in my apartment, the last night of my old life essentially, about how awed i am by the generosity of people i don’t even know, about how all of my fears are systematically being eliminated because of faith exercised so often and begun so long ago that it is now as familiar and subtly essential as breath.
but i can’t really do that yet. maybe when i’m sitting in an entirely empty apartment, those thoughts will coherently come to me. but right now, like the rest of my house, they are sitting in heaps and piles, to be sifted through and organized.
so much is happening. so fast. and yet the miracle is that time has slowed just enough for me to do an insanely ridiculous amount of work in a short, short time. but the true miracle is that i am recognizing all of the big stuff amid the petty chaos.