tired of the masses of people that i haven’t met/talked to/seen/heard from/corresponded with in ages and ages, and for whom i feel no real affection if i am to be truly honest, that populated my facebook friends list, i went on an unfriending spree last night.
but it really started with my desire to unfriend, once and for all, my ex.
there’s no drama as there was the last time i unfriended him. i have just felt uncomfortable with the idea that, whenever he wants to, he can just pop back into my life via facebook. when that happens, it catches me off-guard and i feel glimmers of the girl i was circa fall 2007.
in case you’re not keeping track at home, i am REALLY not that girl anymore.
i didn’t like it and here’s the straight up truth: we weren’t going to be friends.
since the bff and i started dating, i had pretty much cut off all contact with the ex. we had been, prior to the bff coming home, exchanging messages weekly. the ex is on a mission too, far far away in the far far east, and i was trying to be supportive and friend-like. for a while, it was fine. we were friends, i suppose, in the way that we ever really were friends which by comparison with my other friendships remained strikingly shallow. in parable metaphor, our friendship consisted of seeds sown in the heat of the day. it worked, but only briefly.
once the bff came back and things started happening as they were meant to happen, thoughts of the ex quickly left my mind–friendship or whatever it was–and he became, as he was meant to be, a distant memory. except when he would pop back in and i would be jarred backward. it felt wrong. the bff doesn’t like him, doesn’t trust him, because of how things went down. i think i probably understand better why things happened the way they happened, but i realized last night, as i considered whether or not to unfriend him, that we were really never going to be friends again–or perhaps it’s better to say that i didn’t ever want to be friends again.
for a while i thought that that was a character flaw of mine–to not be able to redefine the relationship once it changed. last night, i began to think that perhaps it is a strength to be able to see when something is done and to let go of it with grace. i have always hated the part of me that held on too tight when something had clearly run its course. perhaps that part of me, like so many others of late, has changed.
i sent the ex a message, lest he think i was bitter, to explain my reason for unfriending him, to thank him for the blessing of his friendship so many moons ago, and to wish him all good things. i have been on the receiving end of unfriending of late and, if it is done without any real warning, it can be interpreted lots of ways. i really didn’t want that to happen.
i did know, though, that by doing so i was opening the door a crack. i erred on the side of kindness.
he replied tonight by sort of questioning my reasoning for unfriending him, seemingly halfheartedly wishing me good luck, and then telling me that he still wears the ring that i gave him (it was mine, it was a guy’s ring anyways, it was too big, he liked it, i told him he could have it, blah blah blah).
what do you do with that?
i’ll tell you what i did.
i deleted the message.
i recognized the guilt trip implicit in it (something i perhaps should have been expecting).
i let it get to me for a few minutes and then i gave the bff the readers digest version of the whole thing and realized that this is exactly why i made the right decision.
i shrugged and moved on.
i feel inclined, right now, to move on from lots of things. this one? i think this one was important. far more than being about an ex, i think this one was about me recognizing that the choices i make for myself, as long as they are not intentionally harming others, are valid. i think this one was about stepping up and unapologetically claiming what i want.
this one was good.