Archive for September, 2006

Friday Fives

Posted in etcetera on September 29, 2006 by drbolte

I’m bored. I love these things. And I’m just vain enough to think that you’d care! 🙂 If you like them, you can find these here.

Broken.

1. What’s the last thing you broke?

My standing lamp. I’m bitter. I need to replace it. I’m glad it was only $10.

2. What’s the most expensive thing you’ve broken?

My iPod, although I contend that I did nothing to “break” it. Well, and I ran into another vehicle, so I guess I broke my $500 bumper.

3. Do you consider yourself clumsy or graceful?

Graceful lately, but boy do I have my clumsy moments.

4. How much money do you have in your wallet right now?

$3, I think. I rarely carry cash, hence why my credit card bill is so high.

5. Someone asks for change while you’re walking down the street — what do you do?

Probably ignore them or say I don’t have any, which is probably true. I should be more charitable, but I don’t like getting hit up for money. I’ve given before, though–once at a rest stop, the story of which horrified my mother who already worries about me travelling so far alone.

Just the facts, ma’am.

1. Where were you last night?

Uhm, I’m already defensive. I feel like this is not a good sign. At 7, I was at the mall buying adorably cute clothes in sizes so small that they astounded me because I haven’t seen them in reference to me in, I don’t know, 15 years? At 8:30, I was at an awesome friend’s house watching The Office. Then I was at home.

2. Did you speak with anyone?

Yes. Of course. How does one do all that without speaking? I’m not a mime.

3. What were you wearing?

Jeans and a t-shirt and flip-flops–and then workout pants and a t-shirt and no shoes.

4. What did you eat or drink?

Uhm, nothing other than water and some grape Gatorade. Sheesh.

5. Can anyone verify your whereabouts from midnight to 5am?

Sadly, yes. I was on AIM until about 3.

<>Friday Fill-in.

1. When I’m angry, I _shut down and don’t talk_. It’s only been recently that I have been able to fight effectively. Sounds like an oxymoron, but it’s not.

<>2. The first time I _fell in love___ I also _got my heart broken___. Enough said, I think.

<>3. I was born in _the middle of a nurse’s strike. __ My poor mom got no attention whatsoever, except my grandma, who realized that she’d better get a doctor soon…

4. My favorite _day___ is _my birthday___. I am often disappointed because I make such a big deal out of it, but nothing makes me happier than birthday affection.

5 I laughed so hard when _I was talking to my friend in Wyoming the other day as he told me that he got fed at his home teaching appointment.___ Doesn’t seem funny out of context, but it was flippin’ hilarious. I laughed for like 10 minutes straight.

Hide her away from the rest of the world.

1. When is the last time your phone rang in the middle of the night?

Define middle of the night. There’s only one person who ever calls me past midnight, and that was Sunday.

2. Who makes you yell?

Idiot drivers. Myself. People who push my buttons on purpose.

3. What do you do for fun?

Watch TV. Hang out. Go to movies. Socialize at various predetermined activities.

4. What hours do you work/go to school?

It varies. I’m on campus every day. Working is such a relative term, though.

5. Who is number one in your life?

I would like to say the Lord, but I probably don’t act like it much. After that, my mom. I would do anything for her.

Last Firsts.

<>1. What was the last new song you discovered?

<>When You Were Young by The Killers

<><>2. What was the last new dish you tasted?

<>Sounds pedantic, but Cabo Chicken at Quiznos. YUM.

<><>3. Where was the last place you visited for the first time?

<>Hmm. Tampa/Clearwater? I’m going to NYC for the first time in two weeks, though.

<><>4. Who was the last new person you met?

<>Do clients at tutoring count? If so, then a man named John. If not, then I can’t even remember. Someone at church, surely.

5. What was the last new toy you played with?

<>Pretty sure it’s this blog. And Facebook.

Insecurity goggles

Posted in Church, Life on September 29, 2006 by drbolte

Have you ever heard that rather crass term about looking at the world (usually it’s men talking about women) through “beer goggles”? Basically, it’s this idea that, when your perspective is skewed through intoxication, things look better than they are in real life. People are more attractive, stupid jokes are funnier, and the world is a lot better–or so says the sales pitch for all liquor, right?

Well, I’ve decided that insecurity does just the opposite. When I am insecure about something, or when I find myself needing reassurance from people as a direct result of that insecurity, I stop seeing the world the way it really is. Instead of seeing myself as I really am, and the way others see me, I instead see a funhouse mirror, a warped and wavy version of myself that couldn’t do anything but disappoint–especially when taken for truth.
I lose myself, in a way, and forget who it is I really am.

We all have key insecurities about ourselves, even the most arrogant and seemingly impenetrably confident. I’ve had my insecurity goggles on for a long time with regards to one particular situation. I’ve been working on it, and I’ve seen slow progress, but it’s like any positive changes we make in life–at a certain point, just at the end, you have to have the faith to let go of old habits and expectations and let yourself fall into the waiting arms of a Heavenly Father who is anxious to bless you for your efforts. After all, He is the only one who can turn those weaknesses into strengths.
But you have to let go.

I have been clinging on to that last bit of comfortable insecurity for a while now. It made me feel justified in pettiness and woe-is-me-ness. It let me push people away. It let me continue to believe things about myself that are absolutely not true. I am not the same person that I was–physically, emotionally, spiritually, socially– when I started feeling that way. So why would it still be true? Seeing myself through that insecurity, though, made me believe that version of myself, and therefore not truly recognize the blessings that I have been given.

Not recognizing blessings? Being petty? Not recognizing my own divine nature? Who could POSSIBLY want that to be my attitude?

Last night, after feeling frustrated for the 498th time about it (at which point I was more frustrated and annoyed with myself than anyone or anything else, which only exacerbated the problem), I was talking to a friend who shared an experience very close to mine. Her willingness to share it with me made all the difference–it was exactly what I needed to hear at exactly the right time. She is amazing, and I am blessed.

I think I just let go.

Because the truth is, it’s better to be loved than to be constantly reassured.

And, wow, am I loved. In fact, I am loved lately so purely and completely that I wonder why I could possibly deserve it.

But it doesn’t matter if I deserve it. What matters is that it’s true.

Because my friend Beth is amazing…

Posted in etcetera on September 27, 2006 by drbolte

..she sends me all of these really cool emails. The first is called ABCs, and it was too much fun to fill out. I’ll share it because, well, I want to and I do think it is illuminating.

ABC’s (updated for today)
A – AVAILABLE: Too, too true…

B – BIRTHDAY: October 9 (HELLO! Coming up fast…)

C – CRUSH: Yes…one I’ll admit and think I have a prayer with and one that I won’t because it seems hopeless 😉

D – DAD’S NAME: Donald…but I’ve never met him, so does it count?

E – EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO: Mom

<>F – FAVORITE BAND: Right now? The Killers. I LOVE them.

<>G – GUMMY BEARS OR GUMMY WORMS: Haribo bears…but I don’t get them very often

<>H – HOMETOWN: Raleigh, NC

I – INSTRUMENT: flute, in middle school

J – JUGGLE: I juggle life events…not balls or knives

K – KILLED SOMEONE: Uh..heck no!

L – LONGEST CAR RIDE: California to North Carolina, over 4 days

M – MILKSHAKE FLAVOR: Chocolate, always, although Cookies and Cream @ Chick-fil-a is darn good

N – NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: 0

O – ONE WISH: To be married in the temple to my best friend

P – PERSON WHO CALLED ME LAST: Called me? Brandon.

Q- QUICKIE: Ugh. No…not even quickie make out sessions.

R – REASON TO SMILE: I made a sweaty fool of myself at Salsa–and didn’t care

S – SONG YOU LAST HEARD: Rascal Flatts “What Hurts the Most”

<>T – TIME YOU WOKE UP: 10:00 a.m. (after going to bed at 3)

<>U – UNKNOWN FACT ABOUT ME: I dislocated my kneecap in a bathroom in Barstow when I was 15. Hot paramedics came and rescued me.

<>V – VEGETABLE YOU HATE: Brussel Sprouts

W – WORST HABIT: Eating too much of junky food

X – X-RAYS YOU’VE HAD: Teeth, knees, finger, lungs (several times, actually…)

Y – YOUR NUMBER OF CONTACTS ON MYSPACE/FACEBOOK: MySpace? 0 Facebook? 75 (WOW! I went from 30 to 75 FAST…and from 67 to 75 since Friday)

Z- ZODIAC SIGN: Libra. I am a quintessential Libran. Look it up here if you’re interested. Just as a disclaimer–while I find it fascinating that this is so true of me, I think of horoscopes like magic 8 balls–if they tell me what I want to hear, I like them. Otherwise, it’s just a frivolous toy.

Stupid girl

Posted in Life on September 26, 2006 by drbolte

The definition of appreciation is “gratitude, thankful recognition” or “the act of estimating the qualities of things and giving them their proper value.”

How do I show that I am estimating that the people around me are of great worth? Can people value other people in such vastly different ways that the valuing isn’t even apparent?  I think that must be true.

Will I ever stop being insecure about this?  I hate, more than anything, to feel like I am the annoying kid on the outside of the circle, looking in and being snarked at from the kids on the inside.  That’s my horrifying social nightmare.

Argh. I’m such a girl.

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I have a secret…

Posted in Church, etcetera, Life, The Single Life on September 24, 2006 by drbolte

I love Post Secret.

If you’ve never gone there, go. The link is to the right.

This is my favorite of this week’s crop:

It’s genuinely true. I would add, also, that the other best part of getting older is really understanding myself. I finally feel like I can recognize–and arrest in its early development–my pettiness and drama-creating tendencies. I have found myself striving to do that this weekend, and it makes me happy.

To know oneself, I feel, is the greatest freedom of all. Especially when with that knowledge comes a recognition of one’s divine potential. It makes me want to strive for something better–to walk a little taller, to act a little more kindly, to embrace the best in myself and stifle the rest of it.

It’s been a good weekend. I’m exhausted, but I have more friends. I didn’t get any work done, but I spent time with great people. I have confidence that, in the grand scheme of things, I have spent my time wisely.

That’s a good feeling.

Blackberries, Jim, and shooting ex-husbands

Posted in etcetera, Life on September 22, 2006 by drbolte

Two posts in one day? What could it be other than procrastination?

I have an unnatural affection to blackberry Yoplait yogurt. I heart it with my whole being. It’s the only thing worth eating for breakfast. Cereal is for other times of the day…even though I catch a lot of crap from certain people when I tell them that a) I mix my cereals and b) I eat cereal for dinner. I can cook. I just, at times, choose not to.

The Office premiere was last night. It was great. Fabulous–although it was far too Jim-uncentric. I love me some Jim Halpert, and it was horrible having him be at another office. And darn the Office writers for making me now like Roy and Pam too! ARRGGGHHH! Another love triangle…as if I needed that in my life. 🙂

ER was also excellent. I was surprised how good it was. It’s gone through rough patches, but I genuinely think that ER, more than any other show, has done a fine job of developing storylines and characters that make you almost forget that Dr. Ross or Dr. Greene ever worked there. Carter who? I’ll take Luka any day.

Although, I will admit, when I was watching Abby in the operating room, I was having flashbacks to Carol’s delivery of the twins. Can we not recycle a different storyline? And I called the shooting too. I’m excited about John Stamos…bring on the hotties!

And, no, I did not watch Grey’s Anatomy. The finale was on again last night and because there was nothing else on, I watched parts of it again. I found myself, as I did when I watched it the first time, disgusted and angry.

Thus, I will not watch Grey’s again. I’m going cold turkey.

I’m seriously excited about Veronica Mars and Gilmore Girls coming back…

And have I mentioned lately that my birthday is in 17 DAYS?!?

WHOOO!

Hmmm…

Posted in Church, Life on September 22, 2006 by drbolte

I have been surprised by a couple of things this week.

The first has been some budding friendships that I didn’t expect. I love that–when you get to talk to people that you don’t expect and the conversations are good and interesting and engaging. I am especially surprised when people trust me enough to confide in me. Don’t get me wrong–I am trustworthy, I feel–but it just sometimes surprises me when people that I don’t expect to trust me do.

That keeps happening to me.

A couple of those friendships are genuinely surprising and not really initiated by me. That’s even more cool. The unexpected rocks.

Unless of course it’s a crazy dream. And then it’s just…disconcerting. But nice. But weird. Dreams are amazingly powerful–testifies to the power of the imagination, I suppose.

And then there is the surprising part of me that really misses a friend of mine. I don’t really understand why I miss my friend so much–I just do. I sometimes don’t like being that connected to somebody, because it strips me of my independence. I like to think that I can handle everything, that I don’t need anything…but it’s totally not true.

I really don’t like admitting that.

Last surprise, and certainly not as emotionally vulnerable an announcement, is that I get to go to the Gator game on Saturday. I’m excited. Of course, the game is at 7:45 and the RS Broadcast is at 8.

Um…does that make me a bad RS president? If I promise to watch it on the Internet the next day? Or read it as soon as it gets put up?

I’m going to Enrichment earlier that day…does that count?

Ugh. Sometimes it’s surprising how much I can worry about things as well…

good hair = hotness?

Posted in Life, The Single Life on September 20, 2006 by drbolte

I have good hair again.

I worship at the altar of my hair guy.

I trust him like I trust few others–I put my fate in his hands and let it roll. And I’m never unhappy.

My new picture has gotten quite the reaction on Facebook–I was called gorgeous and “hott”–something I never thought would happen to me!

My reaction? How can I be this cute and still SO single?

Maybe this hair will send me over the edge. 🙂

straws and some seriously overwhelmed camels

Posted in Church, etcetera, Life, School, The Single Life on September 18, 2006 by drbolte

I lost my mind yesterday.

And I did the typical girly thing–I called my mom and cried for two hours. Not a pretty cry either, a few glistening tears and a quivering chin. Oh no. This was the batten-down-the-hatches, call-in-the-EMTs-because-she’s-about-to-hyperventilate sobbing that only happens when you’ve truly reached your limit.

It was deeply cathartic. Mom knows me so well, and can talk me through almost anything.
So why the freak out?

I am responsible for a lot right now–more than I ever have been. I feel that really deeply. And I have a more complex, well-rounded life–work, school, church, social life–than I ever have before. I am deeply grateful for that, of course, because it means that I’m doing something right. Unfortunately, I feel really unequal to the challenges that brings into my life lately. My mom tells me that I do everything 180% all the time–I’m 180% there for my friends, 180% dedicated to being perfect in my work, 180% committed to my callings, 180% desiring to do my best in everything that I can do.

When you’re trying to do 12 different things, all of which you feel really strongly are important and essential to your life at that moment, at 180%…well, you get it. The math just doesn’t work.

So I wallowed for a while. And then, because she’s amazing, Mom and I worked out an action plan.

(Let me just stop here and say that any amazingness that I display in a crisis must certainly be genetic, because my mom is a rock star. Actually, any amazingness at all must be because of her…)

Mom used a great analogy that I really like but had never even thought of before. She said that I have all of these projects on my plate, so, just like any other “job,” I need to ask my Boss which ones I should prioritize. I love that idea–it seems so simple (by small and simple things…), but I’d never thought of it.

So I did that today–I asked Heavenly Father, who is the best, most loving Boss ever, which projects I should focus on today.

And I got an answer.

And I followed it.

And today is a better day. I don’t feel overwhelmed. I still feel weighted, a little, but not nearly as much as I did. I feel focused, and directed, and like I will be given everything that I need to succeed if I just keep asking.

And yesterday, when I was freaking out?

I got a lot of support from the quietly amazing people in my life who make me grateful every day that I have friends like them. Everywhere, amid the loud buzzing of my own frustration, were quiet voices expressing confidence in me, letting me know of their love and consideration, and giving me support. It came from surprising sources, in some circumstances, and continues to be quietly and unobtrusively appearing in my life.

It makes me know, more than ever, that my Heavenly Father loves me. He must love me to bless me with all of those people, you know?

So I’m managing today.

That’s worlds better than yesterday.

the meek…shall stay home on Friday night

Posted in The Single Life on September 15, 2006 by drbolte

So I’ve decided something.

The girls are taking control.

I’m so everlovin’ tired of waiting for the guys in our ward to ask girls out. It’s preposterous. They don’t do it–it’s a one-stop expressway from hanging out to deep relationship, and what is that about? I don’t like it. I want to get to know lots of guys. I want to keep my options open.

So, a few of us took control. We planned a group date. We asked the guys. We’re planning everything.

It’s going to be fun.

I’m done with this whole waiting around junk.

I’m amping up my game. I’m flirting when I want to flirt and I’m planning what I want to plan. Our RS presidency wants to plan a cheesy speed dating activity to encourage a new attitude–mainly, that dating doesn’t have to be such a flippin’ big deal. According to some of the guys that I’ve talked to, they like it when girls share some of the burden of the dating initiative.

What’s the worst that will happen?

I highly doubt that anybody’s going to think that I’m a stalker for asking them to do something with me, so the worst that will happen is that they’ll say no.

Okay. Big deal. I can handle that.

I’m hoping tonight will be silly fun. I can guarantee that I’m going into it with no expectations except to have fun. Usually, when I have no real expectations, things go well.

Girrrrl power!