Insecurity goggles

Have you ever heard that rather crass term about looking at the world (usually it’s men talking about women) through “beer goggles”? Basically, it’s this idea that, when your perspective is skewed through intoxication, things look better than they are in real life. People are more attractive, stupid jokes are funnier, and the world is a lot better–or so says the sales pitch for all liquor, right?

Well, I’ve decided that insecurity does just the opposite. When I am insecure about something, or when I find myself needing reassurance from people as a direct result of that insecurity, I stop seeing the world the way it really is. Instead of seeing myself as I really am, and the way others see me, I instead see a funhouse mirror, a warped and wavy version of myself that couldn’t do anything but disappoint–especially when taken for truth.
I lose myself, in a way, and forget who it is I really am.

We all have key insecurities about ourselves, even the most arrogant and seemingly impenetrably confident. I’ve had my insecurity goggles on for a long time with regards to one particular situation. I’ve been working on it, and I’ve seen slow progress, but it’s like any positive changes we make in life–at a certain point, just at the end, you have to have the faith to let go of old habits and expectations and let yourself fall into the waiting arms of a Heavenly Father who is anxious to bless you for your efforts. After all, He is the only one who can turn those weaknesses into strengths.
But you have to let go.

I have been clinging on to that last bit of comfortable insecurity for a while now. It made me feel justified in pettiness and woe-is-me-ness. It let me push people away. It let me continue to believe things about myself that are absolutely not true. I am not the same person that I was–physically, emotionally, spiritually, socially– when I started feeling that way. So why would it still be true? Seeing myself through that insecurity, though, made me believe that version of myself, and therefore not truly recognize the blessings that I have been given.

Not recognizing blessings? Being petty? Not recognizing my own divine nature? Who could POSSIBLY want that to be my attitude?

Last night, after feeling frustrated for the 498th time about it (at which point I was more frustrated and annoyed with myself than anyone or anything else, which only exacerbated the problem), I was talking to a friend who shared an experience very close to mine. Her willingness to share it with me made all the difference–it was exactly what I needed to hear at exactly the right time. She is amazing, and I am blessed.

I think I just let go.

Because the truth is, it’s better to be loved than to be constantly reassured.

And, wow, am I loved. In fact, I am loved lately so purely and completely that I wonder why I could possibly deserve it.

But it doesn’t matter if I deserve it. What matters is that it’s true.

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