Self-editing

I deleted my last post.

Too revealing and, I think, probably a little bit misleading.

Nothing huge happened, except in the sense that I keep learning stuff about myself that opens my eyes to the fact that I don’t have any idea how other people see me. Or, I should say…I don’t believe people when they tell me how they see me.

Me, amazing? Pfft.

Awesome? Suuure.

Cute? Hot? Beautiful? Guffaw.

I have had this running negative dialogue about myself in my head for so long that it’s pretty hard to change the script now. I know it frustrates my friends when I don’t believe them when they tell me things–sorry, guys.

Lately, though, my trial has been to believe the good things about myself. I’m sure a few of you will scoff and wish that you had this kind of growth experience to suffer through–I’m supportive of you in the “gosh, that must be so difficult for you” sarcasm. But it’s still really abnormal for me.

It’s comfortable to continue to hold on to the belief about being the proverbially ugly duckling if it’s what’s been around the longest–and it has–rather than to dare to believe that you might be something better, grander, and more beautiful than that.

So, I’m working on it.

<>It’s turning life upside down a little bit, and that upside down creates a distinctly different perspective.

<>But it’s a much nicer one, because I am literally in awe of my life right now and the sheer magnitude of love that exists in it.

<>So, I’ll keep editing the script. Maybe someday I’ll really believe it.

One Response to “Self-editing”

  1. so i’m very intrigued by what your last post was…
    i have faith in you carrie! you’re great! and i’m glad you’re moving in the right direction. love ya!

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