Less than I am

Life is messy sometimes.

I said this in my testimony on Sunday, and I really mean it.

Sometimes life is all about the crayon going outside of the lines that you’ve drawn for yourself–and realizing that it’s beautiful anyways. Or realizing that drawing with the bronze crayon is okay, even though you’re coloring tree foliage. That somehow, even though it doesn’t make sense, it still looks beautiful when you’re done because you put your whole heart into it.

I don’t like things that don’t make sense.

I like things to go my way.

Why I haven’t learned, yet, in my life that looks nothing like I planned it when I was 18 and wanted to be married by 20 and the mother of 12 kids, that the Lord has a plan for me that I have absolutely NO conception of, I don’t know. I think I might be a little hardheaded.

I am not very good at submitting, without question, to the Lord’s will. I question a lot. I don’t like that–my selfishness coming out and wanting what I want when I want it, even when the still voice in my heart tells me with the loving words of a tender parent that, actually, it’s not the right thing for me. Even when I know that submitting is the right thing, it’s still such a struggle for me.

I wonder if it will ever be different.

I wonder if I will ever be able to cheerfully submit to anything the Lord sees fit to put in my path.

I wonder if I’m any better at it than I used to be.

I hope so.

Right now? I think I’m trying to choose if I’m going to be more or less than I know that I am.

I’m praying for more. It would be nice to rise to the occasion. I actually think I’ve done a lot of that lately–conquered some of my demons and done what I knew I was supposed to do, including swallowing my rather sizable pride, because I knew it was the right thing to do.

Is that submission? I don’t know.

Wouldn’t true submission mean that you never question why?

If it is, I’m not sure I’ll ever get there completely.

Because, sometimes, I would just like to know now rather than later.

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