i’m dreaming…

I had a series of horribly vivid dreams last night that freaked me out.

Normally I dream, and normally I dream pretty vividly.  I actually like that, because I often remember them and can dissect them. My dreams, when they are superclear the morning after, are usually a clear window into what’s going on in my head. Sometimes I need that kind of window.

But last night was a cavalcade of anxiety all smashed up into one Freudian field day.

But the weirdest part about it? Some of them were WEIRDLY realistic.  Most of my dreams skew towards the imaginative. Like they might feature people or situations from my real life, but normally there is some displacement and condensation so that those people or situations  morph into something entirely different.  Something that only remotely resembles the original situation.

Dreams are safer when they do that.

But these dreams? Oh no…it was exactly the people, exactly the situations, exactly the anxieties that I live in my real life.  And in them? All those anxieties came true.

My worst nightmares for those situations were played out.

Now granted, one of these dreams featured a science lab that was cross-breeding hamsters with other animals (one? a hamster bullfrog that liked to jump and stick to the top of his cage in some kind of gravity-defying manuever).  So I’m certainly not saying all of it was real.

But it was real enough.

It was scary enough.

For I truly believe that my worst nightmares aren’t when ax murderers are haunting me in my dreams.

No, my worst nightmares are when the people that I love disappoint me.  Or, worse, when the people that I love decide that I’m actually not worth the effort.  In my mind, there’s nothing more horrifying or more soulcrushing.

Irony? I’m more tired now than I was when I  went to bed.

Angst is exhausting.

Time to break out the dream dictionary.

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