Archive for January, 2007

things i don’t understand…

Posted in etcetera, Life, School on January 30, 2007 by drbolte

so i’ve been thinking a little…

–while i do recognize that it is a tragedy, and i really do feel sad that he had to be euthanized, but why, oh why, is the lead story on nightline the death of barbaro, the horse?  we are at war. we are nearing a presidential election. we have homeless people, health care problems, and a multitude of other social ills that could be discussed.

to me, horses aren’t one of them.  think ill of me if you must, but i just don’t get it.

–is it just me, or are these people on mtv’s my super sweet 16 (or whatever the crap it’s called) just the most ridiculous wasters of money? i watched 2 minutes of an episode yesterday, and it featured a whiny little 15 year old begging her dad for a RED $96,000 JAGUAR.  i shudder.  i literally shudder. i don’t understand what is going through these parents’ mind.  do they really think that this is how to successfully raise contributing members of society?

–why is baking so fun?  and why is it nearly impossible for me to bake without substantially sampling what i have made?

–why, when i am a speed reader, is the reading of theoretical works so slow? i can breeze through a novel, but it’s like slogging through mud to read that stuff.  and i nearly die.  and i have 11 more to go.


all right. enough of this.  enjoy your tuesday, everyone!

hilarious…and sad

Posted in blogging, etcetera, School on January 29, 2007 by drbolte

so gmail gives suggested links for you based on the content of your email or folder.

this is the one that i got for my spam folder.

i think that’s so funny. and ridiculous.

i’ve read 13 pages so far of the 200 that i need to read. i read for a half an hour and then fell asleep for an hour.  i’ve moved locations in my house, in the hopes that sitting at my desk will encourage work more than sitting on my couch did.

bah! i hate being exhausted and cold when i have work to do!

i am pathetic, hear me whine.


Posted in blogging, etcetera on January 28, 2007 by drbolte

i’m procrastinating a task right now.

i find it fascinating that i am procrastinating it.  it usually isn’t something that i procrastinate at all. in fact, i think i usually look forward to it.

i think i’m tired, on a lot of levels.

i’m even avoiding my phone.  maybe i’m just antisocial.

my bread turned out well today.  a nice mix of whole wheat and white.  the bread itself even looks a little marbley in places.  it’s good. i ate entirely too much of it.

i’m considering baking cookies next, but i don’t think it will happen.  i don’ t want them in my house, for one thing (see earlier comment about eating entirely too much of the bread), and i can’t face more labor right now.

besides, i have stuff yet to do (visiting teaching routes, to mention just one) and i really just want to go to bed.

wow, this was a boring and whiny blog entry.  my blogs are never poetic like other blogs that i read (you know who you are).  my blogs rarely capture so concretely what i’m thinking and feeling.  i guess i am inhibited, in some ways, by the knowledge that other people are reading it.

i didn’t do that with my 100 items list.  it was a little liberating.

i have nothing more interesting to say.

tomorrow, i hope, will be better.

100 things about me

Posted in etcetera, Life on January 26, 2007 by drbolte

1. i am an only child.

2. i was partially raised by my grandparents.

3. i was a latch-key kid and I think it was good for me.

4. i started babysitting when I was 11. i also think that was good for me, although it may explain why i wanted 12 children at one point in my life.

5. i am a quintessential Libra. look it up.

6. i was born nearly a month late. my mom was in labor for 72 hours.

7. even then, the incompetent doctors thought I wasn’t ready to be born.

8. uhm, i am stubborn. see 6, 7, 9, 43…

9. i despite cottage cheese and have since i was a baby. chunky dairy products make no sense to me.

10. when i was young, i wanted to be a lawyer like matlock or a hairdresser.

11. my back-up dream job now is pastry chef. too bad i know that i would be crap at it.

12. i can read very quickly. it is the only way i have gotten through school without dying.

13. magazines, therefore, are a frivolous expense because i finish them too quickly.

14. ribs are my favorite food. the only good ribs, in my opinion, are from outback. i’ve done research.

15. my mom is the only person who really understands me–besides my Heavenly Father.

16. i have never met my dad. i now have no desire.

17. i have never been out of the country–no, not even to mexico or canada.

18. this brings me a tiny bit of shame.

19. my mom is my hero. she is also the person who can drive me the nuttiest.

20. my biggest dream is to be a good wife and mom.

21. my biggest fear is that i will never get to do those things because i am somehow flawed.

22. i have really eclectic musical tastes. lots of people say that, but for me it’s true.

23. i am a weird idiot savant about pop cultural information.

24. i can sleep, hitting my snooze alarm every 9 minutes, for hours.

25. i love giraffes. they are regal and sweet and awkward, all at the same time.
26. i love ladybugs.

27. daisies are my favorite flower. i like to quote meg ryan’s line from you’ve got mail that they are the friendliest flower.
28. when I’m upset, I eat ice cream. when i’m really upset, it’s chocolate.
29. i bake my own bread when i have time. and it’s good.

30. i aspire to pioneer domestic skills like quilting.

31. my favorite movie is the goodbye girl, from 1977.

32. people who quibble about the mysteries of God bother me. i just don’t think it matters.

33. i have never broken a bone, but i dislocated my kneecap in a bathroom in barstow, CA in 1993.

34. when i had my first surgery, i was desperately afraid that i would be awake and feeling it all. i wasn’t.

35. i’m not sure i’ve ever really been in love.

36. i have to have noise in my house—often the tv—or else i can’t get anything done.

37. i hate the phrase “in due time” when it relates to me—which is why it relates to me.

38. when i realize that certain people really do love me, i’m not sure why they do.

39. i love the smell of vanilla more than almost anything else.

40. i hate to clean,but ironically nothing makes me happier than when my house is perfectly clean.

41. in the last year, i have been loved more and hurt more than i have been in my life.

42. i don’t like it when i can’t charm people and win them over.

43. this doesn’t happen very often, but when it does, it becomes almost a vendetta.

44. i love books of all kinds. i love the smell of them, the idea of them, their presence in my house.

45. i aspire to one day own all of the Nancy Drew and Agatha Christie books.

46. my mom sang to me as a child, complete with Rodgers and Hammerstein songbook, rather than reading to me. i think that’s deeply cool.

47. my favorite compliment ever was “you are good at life.”

48. it is still an honor for me to be my best friend’s best friend.

49. i hate frogs. i like them in theory, but if they are in my house, i freak out.

50. the same goes for mice.

51. i am the bugkiller in my family. especially spiders.

52. i believe that when the persnickety cats love you, it is the best kind of acceptance.

53. i love the feeling of being bundled up in blankets on a cold morning.

54. i hate, however, the house being cold when I’m coming out of the shower.

55. i think i am a fairly contradictory person. i think most people are.
56. i would like to be mysterious, but most people can read every emotion or thought on my face.

57. my favorite everyday word is snarky.

58. my favorite academic word is ostensibly. or penchant.

59. when I re-read what I’ve written, i am always amazed at how smart i sound.

60. i never, in a million years, thought i would be a PhD someday.

61. my favorite drink is caffeine free diet dr. pepper but they don’t sell it everywhere.

62. i have too much credit card debt.

63. i have a list of things i want to do before i die.

64. i wanted the list to be 50 things, but i’m only up to 27. i’ve accomplished two so far.

65. i like younger men. i like older men. the men my age…meh.

66. i have a phobia of escalators. it’s an inconvenient phobia.
67. i have never been athletic and don’t think i ever will be.

68. nothing thrills and energizes me more than teaching well.

69. i get a perverse kind of pride out of telling people how long my dissertation will be. the look of shock alone is enough.

70. i really fear failure. the future is a bit scary too.

71. i hold people to really high standards and don’t like it when they don’t meet them.

72. arrogance drives me insane.

73. i genuinely consider it a modern-day miracle every time a man and a woman are married in the temple.

74. most people think i am at least five years younger than i am.

75. i once worked in hallmark store for two days. i quit.

76. i worked, in my first year of college, as a receptionist for perhaps the most psychotic doctor i’ve ever met. it was my best and my worst job.

77. i know that, were she here, my grandma would be really proud of me. i hope she’s proud from where she is.

78. my favorite jam is blackberry.

79. i am both a cat and a dog person.

80. i am a good cook, but i don’t practice enough.

81. my favorite thing at taco bell is a baja chicken chalupa.

82. i made my own curtains. from scratch. without a pattern.

83. i am a good friend. if you screw me over, i hold a grudge.
84. my favorite color is green, now. it used to be blue.

85. i have big feet.
86. i’ve never felt more like an independent, sophisticated adult woman than when i went to new york city.

87. when I was in 8th grade, i shaved the bottom half of my head. i always regretted it, until i learned that one of my best friends decided i was cool when she saw it.

88. i took six years of Spanish, can read and translate it really well, but can’t speak it enough to give someone simple driving directions.

89. i have been accused, frequently, of being a grammar nazi. i do notice, but i try not to correct.

90. there are, however, no reasonable excuses for errors in publications.

91. i am fiercely for the underdog. i believe in justice. but i also believe that life isn’t fair and people should stop whining.

92. my birthday is my favorite holiday.

93. i love facebook, but i am not obsessed.

94. i have a goal to live in every region of the country. i’ve done west and mid-atlantic and florida.

95. i can eat pizza for every meal for days without getting bored.

96. the idea that i am popular now is both surreal and amazing to me. i have always been a dork. i still am.
97. my front door is most often littered with shoes. i take them off as soon as is humanly possible.

98. i am inordinately thrilled when i can completely finish a newspaper crossword puzzle—in pen. i have a crossword mind.

99. i am politically independent, and believe that any candidate who wants my vote better earn it. i am strangely swayed by libertarianism recently.
100. i have only recently blossomed into the carrie that most of you know. i like her. i think I’ll keep her around.



Posted in Church, Life on January 26, 2007 by drbolte

can’t sleep. need to, but can’t. that’s going to make my insanely boring job tomorrow even worse.

yeah, i know. way to go with the positive thinking, carrie.

it’s not been a positive thinking week.

i would be able to sleep better, you know, were i tired, if there weren’t what sounds like 400 helicopters outside doing a loop around my neighborhood. i mean, i know i live conveniently close to the ghetto, but really. at 2 am? they better be stalking the next son of sam or something.

of course, i do live relatively near shands as well, so i am hoping i am not begrudging lifeflight their work. because, you know, if they need to fly incessantly over my house to get people where they need to go, more power to them. i’ll buy some earplugs.

but i’m pretty sure it’s the cops. and i’m pretty sure that they better be chasing somebody good. perhaps the rapist who has been plaguing gainesville? that wouldn’t suck. then i wouldn’t be perpetually worried about the girls in my relief society who seem intent on putting themselves in harm’s way. bus at 9 pm. walking at 2 am. gonna give me a heartattack.

but, even if there weren’t helicopters passing every five minutes (there’s another loop), my thoughts would keep me up. i seem to have an endless loop of carrie underwood’s “before he cheats” in my head, along with the deeper, more emotionally exhausting thoughts that i’ve been dealing with all week.

the good news is that i think i have achieved a kind of submission to whatever happens. i want to understand it, but in tonight’s prayer i just asked that one of two things would happen–the situation would change (obviously what i would prefer), or i would change so that the situation doesn’t bother me as much as it does now.

these seem like good desires to me, so i’m pretty sure something will happen.

of course, me being the ever-patient carrie, i’m sure it will happen soon. ha. not likely.

(and there’s the helicopter again. for the love of quiet airspace…)

what i don’t like about this situation is that it seems tailor-made to cement every bad or negative impression i have of myself, all born of past experiences that, while learning experiences, were not all that positive. well, positive in the sense that they didn’t work out the way i thought they would/should. now i look back and see that it was positive in the sense that it helped me to become the person that i am, but that’s with a whole lot of growth and like years of perspective.

self-fulfilling prophecies suck.

there’s this little voice inside of me (which has to speak loud over the helicopters that are circling again) that tells me that if i believe that the situation is all negative, if i choose to interpret it that way, i will make it into something negative. that i will make choices that will most certainly ensure that things go badly.

instead, i think i’m supposed to remember who i am, remember what the situation really is, and have a little faith in people and their ability to be the best that they can be.

can i do it? can carrie be perfect brightness of hope girl?

i think i can.

but it’s going to require sleep.

que es esto?

Posted in etcetera, politics on January 26, 2007 by drbolte

yeah, i’m watching univision.

i’ve been slipping into spanglish more and more lately, particularly when i’m looking for something or annoyed.  instead of “where is it?” under my breath, i find myself saying “donde esta…?” a lot.

it’s weird.  i like it.  i’m glad that my six years of spanish are worth something.

the reason i stopped is that they were doing an interview with bill richardson, governor of new mexico, who has apparently announced that he, too, is running for president.

it was a good interview, from what i could translate, and told me more about him than i knew.

i’m looking forward to 2008.

anything’s gotta be better than now.

have you heard about this brilliant idea to make taxable the benefits received from your job? the amount, i’m sure, will be entirely fair, despite being arbitrarily and governmentally determined. then, apparently, everybody who has to pay out of pocket for health insurance would get a tax credit.


i shake my head at this.  is bush kissing up to the democrats in order to get them to let him do what he wants in iraq?  it’s like “ooh! look at me! look over here! i’m being magnanimous to the masses! look at the shiny tax credit plan!” while he’s siphoning off more money for a war that we’re not winning.  not that we should just pull out either–it’s a mess. we ought to clean it up.

i’ll admit–i voted for him.  i couldn’t vote for kerry.  i would have voted for edwards, and i would have voted for mccain.

too bad one was out and one was just pretty-boy, southern tag-along baggage for kerry’s wooden and emotionless train to electoral destruction.

yeah, i voted for bush. i’d probably do it again, too.  i have a few hot-button issues that drive me insane. morally, i feel an obligation to ensure that the people that i vote for will stand up for those issues.  just because i voted for him, though, doesn’t mean i don’t get to complain a little.

at least i voted.

but, seriously?  does this guy listen to anyone?

i mean, i think we’ve pretty much exhausted the whole military option in iraq. it’s not working.

but have we really exhausted ALL our resources?  our scholarly ones? maybe we could talk to some people who actually know the middle east.  our diplomatic ones? is there someone else, maybe, besides a woman (i mean, i’m all for chick power, but i’m pretty sure that the fundamentalist muslim community is not going to be all that happy taking orders/negotiating with a woman)?  someone they respect? maybe someone…i don’t know….not American?

but i digress.

i’m looking forward to 2008.  not looking forward to hillary, but certainly to barack, to bill, to milt, to john mccain, to dear country-boy john edwards, and to the scrappy political streetfight that will ensue. the more the merrier. maybe i’ll find someone i actually would like to vote for.

may the scrappiest, smartest, and most moderate win with a mandate from the people.  and may s/he actually listen to his/her advisors and not think that s/he knows everything singlehandedly.

and can we talk about the fact that it’s freaking time for a woman vice president, if not president?

and, please, please, please…can that person NOT be hillary clinton?  oy.  heaven help us all if i have to listen to her pontificate for four years.

this post has not been approved by my publicist

Posted in etcetera, Life on January 25, 2007 by drbolte

so the guy from grey’s anatomy has apparently entered rehab.


apparently there is now a rehab program for being a bigoted jerk with no common sense or propriety.

i had no idea.

while i actually think that the guy should be formally reprimanded in his workplace (can we say hostile work environment, everyone?), and possibly fired (since this is the second time he’s done it, and is apparently very, very stupid), i really think that rehab is going a bit far.

or maybe ANNOUNCING the rehab is what i have the problem with.

it smacks of…pandering.

…of the desperate attempts to get the scent of his blood out of the water that is the tabloid press.

…of the public plunging of a man who sees his professional life circling the toilet bowl.

here’s hoping it takes…one less idiot in the world is okay by me.

flames, flames on the side of my head

Posted in Life on January 24, 2007 by drbolte

don’t read this if you don’t want to have your opinion of me fundamentally changed. i’m about to spew venomous frustration, and if you’re not ready to handle that, go read one of my warm and fuzzy entries.

i am mad.

really mad.

it’s actually pretty rare that i get mad. you know, the kind of mad that sort of churns in the bottom of your stomach and makes you react before you think. i get annoyed a lot, but that’s momentary. it leaves pretty quickly. but to get angry? it doesn’t happen very often, but when it happens, it comes on fast and pretty powerfully.

i am freaking tired of being nice.

i am freaking tired of being kind.

i am freaking tired of putting myself out there, time after time, and getting jack back for it.

i am FREAKING tired of being passive-aggressive. sometimes i’d like to feel welcome to be aggressive-aggressive. i don’t have the guts to do it. that, too, makes me mad.

i just go off to the corner to lick my wounds, all content with my righteousness and that i rose above the temptation to be the lesser person. i sit there in the corner, wanting people to read my mind and realize that i am unhappy and come seek me out. i am martyr carrie in the corner, suffering in silence.

screw that.

what makes me madder? that the churning anger lasts for like three minutes, and then i cry like the girl that i am. because, really, i just get angry when i get hurt. like a snapping turtle. but the snap doesn’t last very long, and that makes me mad. because if i still had my tough outer shell, i’d be fine.

funny. i didn’t even mean to continue the metaphor, but i did anyways. can’t escape the englishness even when i’m just spewing.

as i’m writing this, i’m hearing all of the really rational things that answer these kinds of things in my head. you know, that i really do aspire to be kind. that i really do want to serve. that it’s all worth it in the end. that i’m getting rewards and blessings that i don’t even recognize.

and then the guilt sets in, for the reactions and for the thoughts that somehow being the bigger person is the bad option.

now i just feel bad. am i not allowed to be mad? am i not allowed to feel shafted a little? am i not allowed to indulge myself in just a few minutes of raging fiery irrational female anger?


selling out

Posted in blogging, etcetera on January 23, 2007 by drbolte

apparently, according to some kind of obscure logorithmic formula i happened upon, my blog is worth $1100 and some change.

i should annoy the elders quorum presidents i know for an explanation. they’re business guys/economists.  it has something to do with the number of clicks you get…how many people read you.

no offense to those of you who read and enjoy this blog, but i would sell you out in a hot minute to get my hands on that kind of cash.

what i wouldn’t do? compromise the artistic integrity of the blog.  actually, i really just wouldn’t put advertising on my  page. it’s ugly. it’s annoying. i hate it.


oh well.  i guess no $1100 for me.

but if i get my numbers up, both in blogstats and in value, you may see movie trailers at the top of my screen soon.

everybody’s got their price.

embracing the girly

Posted in blogging on January 23, 2007 by drbolte

so, yeah, i changed my blog theme.

i think i may try a few out to see which one i like the best.

if you, dear reader, prefer one over the other in terms of readability, just let me know. i see something entirely different than you do, so i can defer to you (or at least take your desires into account).

i sure don’t want to chase off the 10 readers i have. 🙂