control freaking

so i don’t like not being in control.

this, i think, is not a mystery once you know me. i do better when i can plan things, when i can control the outcome. i don’t like mystery.

funny how my entire life is mysterious, then, huh? but that’s rather beside the point.

i am finding, strangely, that with my responsibilities come a great need to let go and let people do what they are going to do.

i don’t like it.

but i know that it is a lesson that i really need to learn.  i need to let go, to rest in the Lord.  i try to be patient, but do i really REST in the Lord?

i don’t think so.

being a leader is sometimes hard. to sit back and let people do what they are going to do.  if i feel this way, i can’t imagine how Heavenly Father feels when he watches all of us make stupid, shortsighted decisions every day.

He must mourn so much.

but i hope he takes comfort and joy in those that are valiantly serving him and doing their all. because i do.  it’s such a peace to know that there are people all around me who are standing up and making their lives a living testimony of their devotion to Him.

that’s remarkable and comforting and amazing.

just some thoughts i’ve been kicking around.  i wonder if i’m doing all i can, all i should, all i might.  i wonder if i’m getting the inspiration that i should be.  i wonder if i’m really close enough to the spirit.

i tell my best friend that he is everything that the Lord needs.  i believe that–that we are put in the place that we need to be, and He needs US to be who we are, the best that we can be, so that He can accomplish His works. for whatever reason, we are the people who need to do it.  i really know that’s true. having the opportunity to call people to callings, i see it is true. i can watch it manifested in their works–they are precisely the person that, for whatever reason, is supposed to be there for that reason.  their skills, their personalities, their gifts and ideas–they are all exactly what needs to be there.

i probably need to believe that more about myself.

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