circling

can’t sleep. need to, but can’t. that’s going to make my insanely boring job tomorrow even worse.

yeah, i know. way to go with the positive thinking, carrie.

it’s not been a positive thinking week.

i would be able to sleep better, you know, were i tired, if there weren’t what sounds like 400 helicopters outside doing a loop around my neighborhood. i mean, i know i live conveniently close to the ghetto, but really. at 2 am? they better be stalking the next son of sam or something.

of course, i do live relatively near shands as well, so i am hoping i am not begrudging lifeflight their work. because, you know, if they need to fly incessantly over my house to get people where they need to go, more power to them. i’ll buy some earplugs.

but i’m pretty sure it’s the cops. and i’m pretty sure that they better be chasing somebody good. perhaps the rapist who has been plaguing gainesville? that wouldn’t suck. then i wouldn’t be perpetually worried about the girls in my relief society who seem intent on putting themselves in harm’s way. bus at 9 pm. walking at 2 am. gonna give me a heartattack.

but, even if there weren’t helicopters passing every five minutes (there’s another loop), my thoughts would keep me up. i seem to have an endless loop of carrie underwood’s “before he cheats” in my head, along with the deeper, more emotionally exhausting thoughts that i’ve been dealing with all week.

the good news is that i think i have achieved a kind of submission to whatever happens. i want to understand it, but in tonight’s prayer i just asked that one of two things would happen–the situation would change (obviously what i would prefer), or i would change so that the situation doesn’t bother me as much as it does now.

these seem like good desires to me, so i’m pretty sure something will happen.

of course, me being the ever-patient carrie, i’m sure it will happen soon. ha. not likely.

(and there’s the helicopter again. for the love of quiet airspace…)

what i don’t like about this situation is that it seems tailor-made to cement every bad or negative impression i have of myself, all born of past experiences that, while learning experiences, were not all that positive. well, positive in the sense that they didn’t work out the way i thought they would/should. now i look back and see that it was positive in the sense that it helped me to become the person that i am, but that’s with a whole lot of growth and like years of perspective.

self-fulfilling prophecies suck.

there’s this little voice inside of me (which has to speak loud over the helicopters that are circling again) that tells me that if i believe that the situation is all negative, if i choose to interpret it that way, i will make it into something negative. that i will make choices that will most certainly ensure that things go badly.

instead, i think i’m supposed to remember who i am, remember what the situation really is, and have a little faith in people and their ability to be the best that they can be.

can i do it? can carrie be perfect brightness of hope girl?

i think i can.

but it’s going to require sleep.

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