Archive for February, 2007

wha?!?

Posted in blogging, Life, School on February 6, 2007 by drbolte

61 hits today on the blog.

but what?!?

i’m going global.

i have no idea how i feel about that.

in other news, i woke up sick. i think i’m taking the night off, and then going to work all day tomorrow no matter what.  even if i am dying, i’m still going to be reading about the Picturesque in British Romanticism.

sigh.

i can do this, right?

words can’t express

Posted in Church, Life on February 5, 2007 by drbolte

i am more happy than i have been in ages.

it’s a gleeful sort of giddy happy, occasioned by a really unexpected surprise from one of the people that i love most on this earth. i am loved.  more than i know.  and it’s nice to be reminded every once in a while.

it was perfectly timed, demonstrating not only how in tune this person is with the spirit, but also how well the Lord knows us and is involved in our lives.  it wouldn’t have meant as much if i had gotten it any other time…

so, perhaps this will temper the temper tantrum that i threw in my earlier post–although i am totally standing by that.  but, lest anyone think i’m manic, i had sort of gotten over that anyways.  life’s too short. but it’s nice to vent.

love, love, love the Lord.  love His timing, even when it annoys me.  love, love, love His tender mercies.

life is good.

done. and done.

Posted in etcetera, Life on February 4, 2007 by drbolte

i am so over being the target of meanspirited teasing and people’s wrath. i am over being disliked for no good reason and yelled at because i am around and apparently easy to yell at.

i am done with being taken for granted, unappreciated, and feeling used.

i am tired of being offended and unintentionally giving offense when all i am trying to do is my job.

i am tired of guys who want hot girls instead of quality. i am tired of girls who sit in corners and embrace bitterness instead of moving on with their lives and making something beautiful out of the mess before them. i am tired of people who are in it for the glory instead of for the effort. i am done with people who shirk their duties, who make excuses, or who try to make themselves feel better by dragging other people down.

i am tired of the one-liners, the easy targets, the superficial friendships.

i am done with feeling inadequate and spread entirely too thin.

i am so embracing the people who trust and love me for no good reason except that i am worth it. i am loving the relationships where i can be myself and have no worries that someone will come along, one day, and decide that i’m not worth the trouble.

i am in love with people who see beauty in the mundane, who speak their minds, who are teddy bears underneath a chewy exterior. i love the people who stand up, dust themselves off, and start again. i know two in particular right now–and they are my shining examples of courage. i am in awe of people who stand up and show up when it hurts to do either. i get chills when i witness amazing acts of kindness from people who make it their business to be kind.

i am me. i’m not perfect, but i skew towards generous, funny, and kind.

don’t like it? fine.

move out of the way for someone who does.

and with that, i’m done.

how i (normally) lose my mind in five easy steps

Posted in Church, Life, School on February 4, 2007 by drbolte

there comes a point, when i’m stressed out, where all of my anxieties start to bleed into one another. it’s like what happens when a really ignorant, inept person does laundry for the first time–hot water (because hot’s always better), no sorting, whites with reds and blues.

result? a big mess.

i’ve realized this only lately, which seems strange to me because i’ve been through some stratospherically stressful times.  the masters thesis, also known as the carnival of terror, comes to mind.

this downward spiral usually begins with …

step one: the dreams.

lately, it’s been dreams of me serving a mission.  badly. or about people who are currently serving missions apparently doing it badly.

i’ve decided that the dreams are not ACTUALLY about serving a mission or the people who are serving missions, but instead about the really important work i’m currently doing.  yes, i refer to the ever-looming dissertation.  i mean, granted, it’s not saving souls, but it’s the biggest things i’ve ever done and it’s the thing that i’m most freaked out about doing badly. it feels like something of real consequence, something that will affect my life forever.

but no pressure, right?

i am way more freaked out about my exams than i let on. i think anyone who really knows me probably knows that i am, but i am completely squashing all of the anxiety.

hence the dreams.  this actually happens so frequently in my life–that my anxiety is manifested in my dreams–that i would be freud’s poster child. although i’m sure that most of them are not about sex, so that would probably frustrate freud a little. i also have no desire to be a man, which he was also certain was the main malady of women. so, yeah, maybe freud wouldn’t love me.

so about the same time as the dreams comes …

step two: the crazy sense that i am not doing enough.

my internal dialogue goes a little something like this “i should be a better relief society president, i should be a better friend, i should be better at managing my money, i should be _____________” (fill in the blank, because i have definitely thought it and mentally castigated myself for the apparent multiplicity of failures that make up me).

oh yeah, that’s bound to make anyone feel better, right?

this usually leads to…

step three: maniacal activity cramming.

these usually take the form of self-improvement activities, at a time when i’m already completely stressed out.  when this inevitably fails (because, in case you don’t know this, when your schedule is insanely full already is NOT the time to start adding new practices in),  i head back to step two with renewed evidence for my apparent lameness.

and then there’s my personal favorite…

step four: the woe is me chapter.

oh i am a party when this happens.  this is usually when i start vocalizing all of the thoughts from step two, but i really believe them.  i begin to see my life as distinctly half-empty, certainly not recognizing my blessings and, worse, not believing that i’m worth blessings.

today in church, several people talked about how the Lord will bless us with everything we need when we need it if we are doing all we can to follow Him.  i completely believe that–i know it.  my problem? i often believe that i’m not doing enough and, so, don’t know that He will help me as much as i need. i totally get that this is flawed thinking–and something that satan would really love for me to truly embrace–but it’s really a part of my step by step process to stress-induced insanity.

and…finally…

step five: the “AAARRRGGHHH!” chapter.

this is, ironically, the healthiest chapter.  this is when i can’t take anything anymore and i lose my mind for a moment. it is at this point that i realize two things: 1) i have been losing my mind for a while now and not realizing it and 2) i am entirely capable of dealing with whatever stress is before me as long as i make use of all of my resources effectively.  this is also when i usually cry to my mom on the phone and she tells me to schedule my time, that i’m doing good, and that all i have to do is put one foot in front of the other.

what’s weird is that, lately, i’ve had a sort of detached awareness of my slow freak out. i see it coming.  i wake up from the dreams and sort of say to myself “oh…that’s what that was” and move on.  i recognize that i’m irrational at times about certain things, or that my self-deprecation is more a product of stress than truth.

it’s been strangely nice to recognize it.  it’s like heavenly father is giving me time to arrest its development before the full freak out completely derails my work.  instead, i just keep putting one foot in front of the other, hoping that eventually i’ll get where i need to go.

i will.  but seriously, i could use some prayers.  i’ll need it over the next few weeks as i work hard to prepare for exams.  they’re scary. i’m not sure i can do it–and i say that very honestly for those of you who may be shaking your heads thinking i’m nuts–and the prospect of failing really horrifies me.

and it’s the last thing i have to really pass before i can just do what i like to do.

it’s the last formal hurdle before the dissertation really gets underway.

so, if you pray, please pray for me.  i’ll keep you updated on the specific dates, but even just now…some prayers for brilliance and stamina and courage would be good.

thanks.

really belated NYC lessons

Posted in etcetera, Life on February 2, 2007 by drbolte

so it’s been more than three months since i got back from my adventure in NYC, but i found this list of lessons that i learned in the course of looking for a scrap of paper to plan my Saturday on, and i thought i’d post them for posterity before they are lost.  they’re better than i remembered.

lessons i learned in nyc:

1.  i get cranky when i don’t eat.

2.  i actually travel pretty well–as does my hair.

3.  i can now shop in nyc without difficulty. yahoo!

4.  subways are perhaps the coolest and best form of public transportation ever.  i would never own a car in a city like that.

5.  cab drivers are insane.

6.  my hips hurt when i walked as much as i did this wekeend–but the upside is that i get to eat whatever i want. it’s a good tradeoff.

7.  i am bossy.  i like things done my way–and i tire of trying to make everybody happy all of the time.

8.  the empire state building looks NOTHING like it does in Sleepless in Seattle.  the Staten Island Ferry looks exactly like it does on tv, and it’s weird to watch Project Runway reruns on the day that you’ve just gone everywhere they show.

9.  everywhere we went, i had a Law and Order moment, for which i thank TNT’s 96 hour marathons.

10.  soho sucks. i’m not down with chinatown.

11.  broadway theaters are a lot smaller than you’d think.

12.  when all else fails, just keep walking. getting lost on the way to fao schwartz led to some of the coolest sights ever.

13.  bass boots are the absolute best.

14.  people dress up to fly.  why?!?

15.  sightseeing often feels like being herded like cattle.

16.  i am way tougher than i give myself credit for. and scrappier.

17.  i am covetous.  there’s a story there, but i’m not sharing it.

18.  i hate people who cause drama or difficulty–and i really hate high school kids on tours. they were everywhere.

19.  i am both more and less patient than i thought i was.  i don’t like when people are indecisive or trying to placate me, but i am patient with long lines and long waits at restaurants.

20.  i love diversity. i woudl like to raise my kids in a community that values it too–i think it wil help develop them into tolerant and caring people.

21.  i am way more confident than i thought–and the hard rock cafe really does bring out the rock star in everyone.

22.  times square at night looks like day.  it was literally a physical sense of awe when i realized it.

48 hours

Posted in blogging, Life, School on February 1, 2007 by drbolte

i’m freaking out about the amount of reading i have to do for exams and the amount of time i have to do it in…so i’m exiling myself for 48 hours.

i’m going to try to dive in, move at warp speed, go fast and furious towards putting a serious dent in some seriously important theoretical works.  (i’m now trying to think if i’ve excluded any other hackneyed cliches that might work well here…i can’t think of any)

it’s the sprint time of the race.  seriously.  i’m aiming to have exams done before spring break, which means that i have until february 15th to have my theoretical works read and dissected and analyzed and incorporated into my new and improved prospectus draft.

i can do it. i just may not sleep much.  it frustrated me to no end this morning to realize that i had wasted my morning sleeping.  i don’t try to do it…i just can’t manage to get up.

so i may exile myself to the couch as well, in the hopes that i won’t sleep as well and thus won’t sleep as much.

i may be dead by sunday, but it’s at least a plan.

i think this also might involve not checking facebook or the blog for the 48 hours.  we’ll see.  i love coming back from a long day and seeing that people loved me enough to comment/post.  isn’t that ridiculous?  makes me feel special.

i think i’m going to hole up in the library. i can’t concentrate at the institute. i like too many people and too many people like to infuriate me for sport.  the library is quiet, comparatively, and no one knows where i am.  man, if they had vending machines, i would be set for life because the only problem with long hours in the library is that i get hungry.  wait…aren’t there vending machines outside? oh boy.

i may never return.