brick wall

so i have a question for those of you who read this blog, numbers which i’m sure have declined since i have been less than interesting or entertaining lately. to those of you who stick around, thank you.

at what point is it time to cut a person loose? if your interactions with that person, despite your BEST efforts, always degenerate into mutual snarkiness and inevitable offense on one side or the other–and more often someone is apologizing than not–isn’t that a giant flashing sign that there is something dysfunctional at the heart?

by cut a person loose, i don’t mean be rude or confrontational. far from it, since it’s pretty clear that nobody cares in this situation but me. i just mean stop engaging. entirely. stop talking unless it’s necessary. and, the harder part for someone like me who legitimately wants everybody to like her, stop caring whether or not there is a friendship at all.

i just think i have gotten to the point where i have decided that, really, it can’t JUST be me. i can’t be the sole reason why every single interaction i have with this person is lame and obnoxious. i can’t be the reason why me being uncomfortable and put on the spot is so entertaining. i’ll take my fair share of the blame, for sure–i am way snarkier than i ought to be, but it’s pure defense (and a defensive offense–but i don’t know if that makes sense anywhere outside of my brain). i have tried to be better.

nothing manages to work.

i was talking to my mom about a similar situation–which she termed “childish” and which, though i hate to characterize myself as childish, perfectly describes this. this whole thing now strikes me as so 2nd grade–the class bully who won’t stop pulling ponytails, putting snails in the lunchbox, and catching bugs just to make someone scream, and the girl who whines and stomps and smacks. it’s so completely ridiculous.

my mom couldn’t understand why one side or the other couldn’t just let it go.

i told her, you know, even if you have the best of intentions, if the other person just keeps coming back and won’t just let it die, eventually the other person (being human) is going to react.

so what do i do?

do i just chalk this up to a lesson in patience? in self-esteem? that i am actually worth more than the roles that this particular situation have placed me in? that i actually don’t care so much–at least not enough to be constantly apologizing?

or is the Christian thing to do to keep turning the other cheek? to keep biting my tongue? to keep trying to be a friend?

i feel like, right now, the most Christian thing to do is to excise this whole situation from my consciousness. boy what i wouldn’t give for the male ability to detach and compartmentalize right now.

advice would be good. i’m hitting my head, currently, up against a brick wall–and wondering why i have a constant headache.

brilliant, eh?

3 Responses to “brick wall”

  1. Sapphire Says:

    I forget now what your original blog even looked like.

    also, I HATE giving up on a relationship. I refuse to throw in the towel and say I failed at making something work. But the fact of the matter is, sometimes, it just won’t work. And it’s not your fault. There are several friends I’ve had that I’ve had to realize were not healthy for me, were not going to change, and I was going to have to accept that. There is nothing wrong with saying sorry, but I quit. I am here for you if ever the need should arise, but I cannot tolerate this relationship as is. Well, you don’t have to say it like that, specifically, or at all. Whatev. The point is, you have to look out for yourself. You should always be a friend to this person, yes, but that doesn’t mean you have to be a martyr.

  2. does that mean you LIKE the new blog look? or that you’re tired of me changing it?

  3. Sapphire is so right. You don’t need to be rude, if this person speaks to you, be pleasant but detached. Do not seek this person out. If a conversation arises because they have sought you out, do not continue the conversation if snarkiness starts. Just politely exuse yourself and walk away. Not everyone can like you. I know it hurts to come to this realization, it is one I’ve had to come to terms with too. You have way too much going on in your life to have to worry about this clearly crazy person. Btw, I love the new look. The bridge pic is gorgeous, just like you.

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