dissertation flip out moment no. 372

i am officially flipping out.

scared i won’t be able to get all of this done.  desperately afraid of failing, and looking at that failure staring me in the face like a big ugly gorilla or monster or something else ugly not so far from me, just friday afternoon and about 1000 pages away.

there’s a voice, down deep, that tells me not to limit the Lord.  that i tithe my time, my energies, my everything to Him. i drop things to take care of others, i try to be kind, i do my best.  He will take care of me.

but then days like today happen where, although nothing extraordinarily bad happened, i felt over and over like i was being reminded that i was alone in this and that it was going to have to be me and only me.  that’s not necessarily a bad thing–sometimes we all need moments where we have to dig deep and prove it to ourselves that we can do something–but i really wish someone else could take the load.

i guess i need to pray that exact prayer–that the burden that accompanies the workload, the fear, and all the other associated freak-out girl emotions, will be lifted so that i can do the work.

that’s a good thing.  i’ll do that.

i am ready to go home. i am ready for this to be over. i sincerely predict that i may spend the first 24 hours of my visit home sleeping, having returned to the tarheel state nothing more than a brainless pile of goo.

so if you see me, and i randomly look like i’m about to lose it, please understand why. and if you ask me how i’m doing, in that wonderfully concerned voice that my friends who know what’s going on have, and i start to tear up, don’t be alarmed.  it’s how i deal with stress. any excess emotion comes out in tears.

and i’m not sleeping much, so that makes it worse.

i was reading in the ensign today, and i came across this little snippet of something (i can’t even remember what it was) that talked about how this girl got through the rough times in school–she said that she just told herself that finals would be over in three weeks, that Heavenly Father loved her, that her family loved her, and that that was enough.

so, i’m trying to take that good advice.  this horrendous part will be over on friday evening.  my Heavenly Father DOES love me so much–and makes that manifest in so many amazing ways.  my family is totally rooting for me and loves me, warts and all.  and i have a lot of people in my corner.

that’s got to be enough to get me through the next 72 hours.

back to work.


One Response to “dissertation flip out moment no. 372”

  1. HANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG IIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNN THERE.. YOu can do it.. I really gotta root for you now, since I’ve learned you’re a Tarneel Gal.. EVEN though I hate Carolina, the team not to much the state. LOL..

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