utter contradictions

i saw a commercial today that got me thinking about the contradictions that i have in my life.  i said, in my 100 things about me, that i am at heart a very contradictory person. that’s not to say that i’m not genuine, nor that i am putting up a front. i guess i just sort of see myself as a collage–made up of many different parts, all distinct but overlapping to form what it is that everyone knows as me.

for example…

i like stripper shoes and angel wings. they both truly make my heart sing.

i depend on people far more than i ever articulate, yet i believe i am often viewed as a distinctly independent person.

i am shy, strangely, at the heart of my supersocial self.  it takes real effort for me to be as social as i am, especially in large groups.  few people really know me–or so i think. it’s true that rarely does anyone crack the inner core.  when they do, i am most afraid of what will happen.

a lot of people seem to trust me–more than i would really expect–but i trust few.

i really like naps.  not sure there’s anything contradictory there, but i just wanted to say it. really love them.

i love attention, but i worry about being the subject of conversation.  i inevitably assume that people are speaking ill.

i find it strange…and these are just off the top of my head.

on a completely different topic, i was driving today and the sun was hitting the highway in the way that it does to create that false mirage/wet pavement look.  when i was looking at it, such an amazing effect, and realized that i would never get any closer to it than i was right then, i began to think of it as a metaphor for the warped sense of perfection that we all strive for.  you know–to be a certain size, to have a certain look, to be a part of a non-existent (or, if existent, ridiculously cliqueish) in-crowd, to make ourselves into the “best”.

it’s impossible. it’s this crazy mirage that has us believing that there is such a state, that it’s just ahead of us, that if we just keep working and keep doing what we’re doing, we’ll get there. but we won’t.

perfection can’t be solely attained through our own efforts.  superwoman complex that i have, i sometimes think i can work my way into anything that i want–a phd, a family of my own, a happy social life, exciting experiences–on my own.

it’s as false as that mirage.

none of us can do it on our own–and when we try, we end up chasing a ghost.  it’s only when we realize that we need the Savior–that we need the atonement and His understanding arms to buoy us up–that we can get anywhere.

i don’t remember that enough.  sometimes i think i just get in my own way when i don’t.

just some things i’m thinking about lately.

One Response to “utter contradictions”

  1. Ahh I understand. It think it stems from society wanting a definate answer of where you stand. We are either this or that, Yes or No. You’re right what about overlapping, evolving and adaption. It’s hard looking at yourself from the outside, from another’s POV.

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