Archive for April, 2007

i don’t know

Posted in friends on April 27, 2007 by drbolte

what do you do when you know that someone is just tossing their life away? making bad decisions? and they’re apparently no longer willing to listen/talk/acknowledge your presence? i have this feeling that a friend of mine–well, someone i at least used to call a friend–is mad at me and i have no idea what i could have done beyond simply being me.

i mean, i certainly wasn’t the best friend that i could have been, but i haven’t done anything worth ignoring me for. i honestly think the only thing i’ve done is become some kind of unwitting symbol of all of the things that the person is turning from.  i’m okay with that, i guess–i mean, i guess it’s a good thing–but it hurts my heart so much to know that the choices being made are bad and long-lasting and that there’s NOTHING that i can do about it.

is there anything i can do?

how do people deal with this kind of frustration? i just don’t know.  it hurts my heart.  so much.

i know i have no control over other people’s decisions–and i know that i am not the contributing factor in this situation at all–but i can’t help but feeling that if i had somehow done more, been more, been a better version of myself, i could have helped.

i suppose that’s arrogance to think that i am that powerful or have that kind of effect in the lives of others, but…i don’t know.  i guess it’s my control freak nature.  i want to have some kind of control over the things that are honestly up to the individual.

what do i do?

i don’t know.  i really just don’t know.

and i don’t like that answer.  so if you have any others, feel free to share them.


Posted in blogging, friends, Life, School on April 27, 2007 by drbolte

so i have been annoyed over the past week or so.  at what makes little difference, but the point is that i really have no right to be annoyed.  it’s not the first time i’ve been annoyed at this situation, and it certainly won’t be the last, but i realized last night that to choose to be annoyed and to feel taken for granted is the wrong choice. one that i will be accountable for if i let it fester.

so now i’m trying to figure out how to get over it.

it’s not as easy as it might seem.  which also, ironically or not, annoys me.

i figure we ought to be able to simply choose to either feel something or not feel something.  you know, flip the switch when our agency deems it necessary. i don’t think that’s asking too much, nor do i think it’s a complicated solution.  they’re my feelings. i ought to be able to reason my way out of them. simply decide that i will no longer feel as if i am repeating a cycle of bad choices. no longer feel like i am putting myself out there for no good reason.

<>too bad that doesn’t work, huh? it never does.  not alone anyways.

<>instead, i get to learn from the experience, try to figure out what’s really going on and why i’m really feeling like i’m of little worth to anyone, and muddle through.

<>that sucks.

<>in other news, i am so done with this semester that i could scream.  truly.  i will herald the death of this semester of stress and turmoil with a dance and a song and perhaps some housecleaning.

i truly don’t understand how my life is so busy all of the time. what am i DOING with all of my time?  perhaps this is why i look so forward to the week after next–classes will be over. grades will be in.  people will be GONE, home visiting or home for the summer.  life will be still and glorious and full of me being productive (and quite possibly tan!).  it will be lovely.

one more week.

can i make it?

if i’m not who i am

Posted in Church, dissertation, friends, Life, School, The Single Life on April 24, 2007 by drbolte

things are changing everywhere.

doors closing.  doors that i thought might be opening are pretty clearly not even ajar.  i’ve slammed some doors shut, finally and happily, and cracked a window instead.  some doors seem to be opening again, but it feels really like this time right now is the end of a chapter of my life.

it’s a strange feeling, but one i’ve experienced before. but this one feels more…sad…than others.

so much of who i have been for the past year has been wrapped up in what i was doing–the responsibilities that i had, the assignments i had to complete, the exams that i had to pass, the article that needed to be edited, the conference that i was presenting at.

but now, all of that is done or darn close to it.  it’s odd.  i have all of this wide expanse of time and stress-free living in front of me and my reaction is pretty much fear.

isn’t that strange?

i guess i’ve grown comfortable with the way my life was defined.  it stressed me out. i’m burnt out.  i’d like to learn to be something else.  i’d like to have time to wash my car and clean my house and hang out with my friends whenever i feel like it.  i’d like to work in the temple more often if i feel like it, and i’d like to get a dissertation chapter done. i’d like to feel that exercising is a priority.  these are all things i’d like to do.

they’re all things i can do now, or so it seems.

don’t get me wrong–i don’t begrudge the time i spent being stressed out and busy. i have learned and loved and grown more in the last year than i think i have in any other year of my life.  it’s been incredible.  i’ve accomplished so much–on so many levels, personal, professional, spiritual–and i am so happy for that.  i can only look back at this time in my life with fondness and happiness.

maybe that’s why i feel like i’m walking out into the dark, not knowing what’s coming. because sometimes when you’re ready for a change–when you’re just trunky and done and wanting to move on–it’s a lot easier to jump into the next chapter, the next experience.

i don’t really feel that way. i’m ready for the change, but i feel a little bit like it will be a big one. like this next chapter of my life will be teaching me things i’ve wanted to learn for a long time, things i’ve asked for, but that i still fear a little bit.

there’s a time and a season for everything, and i know that we are always prepared for those seasons in our lives.  but still.  it’s a little daunting.

so, i welcome the summer. i’m looking forward to all that it will bring me.  and i’m working hard to be comfortable in my own skin and to be myself rather than trying to impress anyone with anything.

i’m nervous and excited and hopeful.

i guess i get to be whoever i want to be.  that’s cool.

such a lovely thought…

Posted in Life on April 17, 2007 by drbolte

this site is lovely and wonderful.  if you can’t make it to a candlelight vigil (as i couldn’t because i’m sick), you might consider taking a moment to light one online.  it’s strangely comforting.  just a thought.

light a candle for the victims 

today, we are all hokies

Posted in blogging, gators, Life on April 17, 2007 by drbolte

i have been affected by the virginia tech tragedy in much the same way, i would imagine, as many of the college students and faculty around the country have.

it could have been us.

there’s a universality in academia that we pride ourselves on, i think.  a student is a student, and while we may claim our colors and mascots and defend them fiercely on the field of sports and spirit battle, we are all the same.

we are far too addicted to our email, facebook, and text messages.  we don’t get enough sleep, and we eat terribly.  some party too much and have the pictures to prove it.  we love our friends, who become the surrogate family that replaces the people who are too far away.  we make goals and work hard and envision a future filled with promise.

so when something like this comes–something so senseless, so seemingly random, so horrific–it hits deep in every heart.

Norris Hall became any hall on any campus–any place where many students could take a class from a teacher passionate about the subject–and those classrooms became any classrooms.   those students and teachers lost became our community’s loss as well.  the world of academia is suddenly smaller today–and every institution has become one with virginia tech.

today, we are all hokies–in every good way and in every bad way.

i am horrified and filled with sorrow.  i feel helpless and wish there was more that i could do.  i am doing what i can, in filling my heart with prayer and good wishes not only for the friends, family, and community of the victims but also for those who must now work to put the campus and community back together again after the shattering tragedy that occurred yesterday.

but it doesn’t feel like it’s enough.  i wish that there was more that i could do.

to that end, i pass on this link, which expresses this universality and loyalty more than i ever could.  vt, you’re not alone.

“the worst thing i have ever seen”

Posted in Life on April 16, 2007 by drbolte

these were the words of the virginia tech chief of police, wendell flinchum.

the worst thing i’ve ever seen? the question that followed shortly thereafter, which accused that fine man and the president of virginia tech, charles steger, of being “dispassionate.”

while i recognize that my watching cnn for hours during press conferences feeds this frenzy, i find this question horrifying. anyone with the tiniest bit of compassion or understanding could look at both of those men and know that they were not only in shock but in pain, but pushing through it in order to get their jobs done.  instead, what do we get? a bunch of vultures asking them the same questions over and over (“why didn’t you tell students earlier?”) and putting them on display like little puppets.

give me a break.

the whole thing is horrifying, and i suppose it’s natural to try to find a scapegoat immediately. makes sense–everybody wants an answer.  but the reality is, i can’t see how they could have done much differently.  if the same thing happened at the university of florida, i’m not sure the campus authorities would do anything differently.  if it seems like it’s contained in a dorm–if it truly is a domestic dispute–why cause panic elsewhere in the community?

hindsight is 20/20, you know? and i agree with the pundits who say that, in our increasingly technologically savvy times, every school should have a text messaging system for their students. i agree with that. it’s the best way to notify students about cancellations, etc.  but the problem about cell phone overload is a valid concern. i don’t know what the answer is.  i think that’s the problem.

there is no answer.  because there is no logic. there is no sanity. there is no rhyme or reason to this, nothing that allows us to consider it carefully or manage our feelings about it.

there is simply visceral reactions–fear, blame, doubt, panic, grief, sadness, and shock.

i’m not going to lie.  this scares me a lot.

but i simply don’t believe that blame is going to get us anywhere.

i will be keeping the victims and their families in my prayers, but i will also add those police officers and first responders to my list.  because they are as much victims as anyone else–they, too, will have to deal with the aftermath and the questions, and, unfortunately, with the criticisms lodged by an increasingly vicious and blame-seeking 24 hour news cycle.

what has happened to our world?


Posted in Life, The Single Life on April 16, 2007 by drbolte

i am always a little bit surprised when i become a posterchild for something–i guess i fancy myself somehow different, somehow unique, so that things like the flu or my own idiocy would manifest themselves in different ways than the norm.

but, nope.  i got a blinding headache.  then a got a fever.  then, when i stepped off the plane in gainesville, i felt a kind of exhaustion that really did feel like i was walking through mud.  or a haze. or like my nervous system wasn’t quite connecting with my limbs.

strangely surprising.

i am really sick.  but i’m not sick enough not to be bored my daytime tv or annoyed by how messy my house is.  i’m just sick enough to not be able to do anything about it.  that’s annoying.

and my idiocy? well, that keeps manifesting itself in a multitude of ways, including being interested in the absolute wrong guys.  i’m not sure why i keep doing that.  i think i might swear them off for a while.  i’m so tired of the whole thing.  really, i am.

speaking of tired, i’m losing the will to stay upright.  and i hate fevers, just for the record. i’m glad that i don’t get them very often.

peace out.

a note to the kentucky board of tourism

Posted in Life on April 13, 2007 by drbolte

lexington sucks.

i don’t mean any harm–i’m sure that you intended it to be hip and urban with an accessible suburban vibe.  i’m sure that you thought that by painting downtown walls with vibrant murals and by putting sort-of cool sort-of vegetarian restaurants downtown that all would be wooed.

i’m not.

it’s april 13th, and it feels like winter.  there’s nowhere to park.  walking anywhere requires bundling that i haven’t had to do since christmas in north carolina, and i am pretty sure that your wind scarred my larynx.

i’m tired, i’m headachy, this hotel downtown that you advertise as the best is pretty much a craphole (and i’m pretty sure i’m allergic to it), and i want to go home.

and if i get sick from this, i will NOT be pleased.

i’m SO tired, and i have to present in less than an hour. my hair’s not done, because we had to go eat and housekeeping is still not finished with our room.  my makeup’s not done either. so, basically, i look like crap.  all i want to do is go to sleep or go home, but since i flew, the latter’s not an option.  despite spending $70 to be here, i care not if i attend one session other than my own. cheesy, yes. do i care? not really. 

i’m done, is the basic message here, and i’ve been here less than 24 hours.


where’s my bed?

thoughtful interjections

Posted in friends, Life, The Single Life on April 10, 2007 by drbolte

a couple of statements have been rattling around my head for a little while, and in an effort to get them out of my head, i put them here. i hope you will tell me what you think of them. i’m not sure what i think.

i was watching the movie the perfect man. as the daughter of a single mother, it made me happy. it was a hilary duff movie–it wasn’t oscar worthy. but it was cute, and one line made me stop and really think because it’s exactly what i believe and what i’m looking for: love is friendship on fire.

is this really true? being the novice that i am–or that i think i am, for i sometimes believe that i have loved far more than i think i have–i wonder. we’re fed so much the hollywood formula of being swept off of our feet. this idea of friendship on fire seems so much better, so much more like what will really work.

the second idea came as i was talking to a friend about being second choice. i have always worried about being second choice, being the fallback girl. this insecurity reared its ugly head lately with a particular situation, and i was telling him that i didn’t like that idea and didn’t want to compete. life’s too short to compete–or so i said.

his response? “you might be second choice now, but you could become first choice.”

i’d never thought of this. seems ridiculous, right? i guess i always assumed that if i was second choice at first, i would always be second choice. it never occurred to me that being me might persuade someone to forget someone else, to choose me. i’m not fishing–just serious. it honestly never occurred to me. and now i wonder if that’s true.

can being second choice at first be a good thing? can being the dark horse work? or would you always wonder if the person wished it had worked out with the first person? that’s what i worry about…always being compared. couldn’t handle that.

and somewhat connected to that, i read in alma 5 tonight “will ye persist in supposing that ye are better one than another [?]” and, in my mind, i wondered if the reverse was true.  is it as bad to continue to believe that you are less than another, consistently and as your first instinct, as it is to stubbornly hold on to the belief that you are better?

and how do you begin to believe that you’re not any less than anyone else? i say connected, because this, i think, is at the heart of my fear of being second choice.  as if, somehow, i’m just not good enough to be first.

so…tell me what you think. my muddled mind offers little analysis.

deja vu

Posted in friends, Life on April 9, 2007 by drbolte

i miss my best friend something fierce.

it feels like it’s been forever already, and it hasn’t even been six months.  there’s a long time left.  i did the math.  it’s like 600 days.  84 weeks or something ridiculous like that.


i’ve already done this whole thing.  it was hard enough the first time, and they weren’t my best friends.

sometimes i wonder why i have to keep giving things up in life, even if it’s for a relatively short time.  i don’t like it.

this sucks.

the end.