if i’m not who i am

things are changing everywhere.

doors closing.  doors that i thought might be opening are pretty clearly not even ajar.  i’ve slammed some doors shut, finally and happily, and cracked a window instead.  some doors seem to be opening again, but it feels really like this time right now is the end of a chapter of my life.

it’s a strange feeling, but one i’ve experienced before. but this one feels more…sad…than others.

so much of who i have been for the past year has been wrapped up in what i was doing–the responsibilities that i had, the assignments i had to complete, the exams that i had to pass, the article that needed to be edited, the conference that i was presenting at.

but now, all of that is done or darn close to it.  it’s odd.  i have all of this wide expanse of time and stress-free living in front of me and my reaction is pretty much fear.

isn’t that strange?

i guess i’ve grown comfortable with the way my life was defined.  it stressed me out. i’m burnt out.  i’d like to learn to be something else.  i’d like to have time to wash my car and clean my house and hang out with my friends whenever i feel like it.  i’d like to work in the temple more often if i feel like it, and i’d like to get a dissertation chapter done. i’d like to feel that exercising is a priority.  these are all things i’d like to do.

they’re all things i can do now, or so it seems.

don’t get me wrong–i don’t begrudge the time i spent being stressed out and busy. i have learned and loved and grown more in the last year than i think i have in any other year of my life.  it’s been incredible.  i’ve accomplished so much–on so many levels, personal, professional, spiritual–and i am so happy for that.  i can only look back at this time in my life with fondness and happiness.

maybe that’s why i feel like i’m walking out into the dark, not knowing what’s coming. because sometimes when you’re ready for a change–when you’re just trunky and done and wanting to move on–it’s a lot easier to jump into the next chapter, the next experience.

i don’t really feel that way. i’m ready for the change, but i feel a little bit like it will be a big one. like this next chapter of my life will be teaching me things i’ve wanted to learn for a long time, things i’ve asked for, but that i still fear a little bit.

there’s a time and a season for everything, and i know that we are always prepared for those seasons in our lives.  but still.  it’s a little daunting.

so, i welcome the summer. i’m looking forward to all that it will bring me.  and i’m working hard to be comfortable in my own skin and to be myself rather than trying to impress anyone with anything.

i’m nervous and excited and hopeful.

i guess i get to be whoever i want to be.  that’s cool.

One Response to “if i’m not who i am”

  1. Hello there, new reader. I too am a Floridian, not all that far from UF in fact.

    Just stopping by to say hello =)

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