i don’t know

what do you do when you know that someone is just tossing their life away? making bad decisions? and they’re apparently no longer willing to listen/talk/acknowledge your presence? i have this feeling that a friend of mine–well, someone i at least used to call a friend–is mad at me and i have no idea what i could have done beyond simply being me.

i mean, i certainly wasn’t the best friend that i could have been, but i haven’t done anything worth ignoring me for. i honestly think the only thing i’ve done is become some kind of unwitting symbol of all of the things that the person is turning from.  i’m okay with that, i guess–i mean, i guess it’s a good thing–but it hurts my heart so much to know that the choices being made are bad and long-lasting and that there’s NOTHING that i can do about it.

is there anything i can do?

how do people deal with this kind of frustration? i just don’t know.  it hurts my heart.  so much.

i know i have no control over other people’s decisions–and i know that i am not the contributing factor in this situation at all–but i can’t help but feeling that if i had somehow done more, been more, been a better version of myself, i could have helped.

i suppose that’s arrogance to think that i am that powerful or have that kind of effect in the lives of others, but…i don’t know.  i guess it’s my control freak nature.  i want to have some kind of control over the things that are honestly up to the individual.

what do i do?

i don’t know.  i really just don’t know.

and i don’t like that answer.  so if you have any others, feel free to share them.

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