Archive for May, 2007

huh?

Posted in friends, me, The Single Life, yet another reason why i don't understand men on May 31, 2007 by drbolte

in my continuing quest to understand the male mind and my ridiculously cursed dating existence (or so it seems at this moment), i had a very interesting interchange with a new friend last night.  he asked me some questions about who i was interested in, and i told him of my continuing problem of being “just friends” with everyone i manage to have any interest in.  i’m not sure why i felt free to be so…well…free with my opinions, but it was nearly 1 a.m. and that might have been part of it.  he told me that it’s bad to be in the friend zone, and i asked him for some advice on how to stay out of it.

it was a long reply and rather thoughtful–i was impressed–but the basic conclusion was that with friendship comes a lack of mystery and that lack of mystery kills any romantic possibility.

this is fascinating to me.

because i think it’s exactly the OPPOSITE with girls.  the more i get to know somebody, the more i love them. mysterious adorable guys are great, but they’re eye candy.

i just don’t understand this.  i don’t know if i believe it’s really true. is it? is the thing that is killing my mojo the fact that i am apparently easy for guys to befriend? i don’t get it.

bah.

please educate me–especially if you’re a man.  is this guy right?

part 3

Posted in me on May 30, 2007 by drbolte

51. bright ties. ties with personality. ties that say “i’m not afraid to stand out and make a statement” but are still classy.
52. black and white photography.

53. big, graphic, bold colored flowers on fabric.

54. falling asleep on the couch.

55. macs.

56. haribo gummy bears, especially the clear/white ones that taste like pineapple.

57. the messages on taco bell sauce packets. i get joy from them. i’d like someone to propose to me like that. they have them, you know. the ones that say “will you marry me?” so cool.

58. virgin pina coladas. actually, any drink that could be alcoholic but isn’t.

59. men who treat women with respect.

60. fun and revealing late-night AIM conversations.

61. perfectly painted toenails.

62. the long phone conversations that made last summer amazing.

63. people who are willing to express their love.

64. the perfect chicken chimichanga.

65. the sound of crickets.

66. vanilla candles. vanilla lotion. vanilla room scents. vanilla.

67. daisies.

68. working in the temple. i love the temple, but i also love my job at the temple so much.

69. the color combination of blue-green and chocolate brown.

70. the way i feel when i’m reading the book of mormon.

71. british accents. australian accents. new zealand accents. anything that sounds like a british accent.

72.  the word “gobsmacked”. the phrase “might could”. the letter r.  the number 9. and the fact that those last two things reminded me of sesame street.
73.  the fact that i kill at wheel of fortune and am decent at jeopardy.

74.  mix cds.

75. the pacific ocean.

well, it’s official

Posted in friends, Life, The Single Life on May 30, 2007 by drbolte

i’ve reached an antisocial state.

i can only think that this is because i have been gone and some of my friends are gone and there are all of these new people and because i am not relief society president anymore, i don’t compel myself to go meet people.

i need to do it anyways, but i don’t know what’s wrong with me.

it’s like i’m suddenly shy. actually, tonight in institute, brother jansen made a joke about me being bashful. it normally would be a joke, but lately…not so much.

for some reason i feel not confident or comfortable here. i’m sure i’ll get used to it again once i settle back in, but it still all feels very foreign to me. and i’m not sure how much energy i have to force myself into having fun.

making my own fun is difficult.

and, honestly, there’s really a part of me that’s screaming “nobody wants to hang out with you anyways, so what the heck does it matter?!?”

sigh.

the whole arranged marriage thing is really looking attractive. i wish i could just look at a guy’s resume and be like “yeah, you’re great.  how about we just get married and be happy forever?”  because i think it could happen.  maybe that’s my silly thinking, but maybe not.  of course, he’d have to look at my resume and think the same thing–and i guess that’s really the problem, isn’t it?

ugh.  this is going nowhere. feel free to comment–on antisocial behavior, on gville in the summertime, on change and how it throws you for a loop that’s hard to recover from, on how ridiculous i am being and how i need to suck it up…whatever.  i’m up for it.

miracles happen.

Posted in Church, Life on May 29, 2007 by drbolte

so i was freaking out about how poor i am, freaking out on a level that i haven’t experienced lately. somewhere in the back of my mind i knew it would all be fine, that i would be taken care of and have sufficient for my needs, but i was still panicking. i don’t get my next check until mid july–stupid summer employment system–and that’s a LONG time for my small checks to stretch, especially when there’s two months worth of rent and a whole heap of gas to buy for the multiple trips to orlando i have to make in the meantime.

mom’s got my back, and that’s amazing, but it doesn’t make me feel any less of a utter and complete money idiot and failure.  i’m learning–that’s the good news–but i still have so much left to learn. i need to marry someone who is good with money, because i just am not. i am excellent with people, great with organizing things and lives and managing to get stuff done when it seems impossible, but money? forget it. plus, i’m cute. maybe that will make up for my utter and complete lack of any fiscal sense.

anyways, i was praying about it last night. that kind of praying where you’re just at your wit’s end and it doesn’t seem like it’s all going to come together. that kind of prayer that’s out of worry and fear and not out of faith and trust.  so i realized that i just had to have faith. and i got some impressions about some things to do, and they kept coming this morning. so when i went to sleep, it was with the idea that i had to have faith.

when  i woke up, i woke up peaceful. i knew everything was going to be okay.

and then the miracles started happening.

some of you may not attribute these things to miracles. i suppose that’s your option.  but to me, they were reminders, one right after the other, that i will be okay.

miracle number 1: my apartment building is going to let me stay until my other apartment is ready. my lease ends july 31st, and there’s no reason that they would let me stay. i have heard many a story about other people whose communities kicked them out as soon as their lease was up.  had i had to do this, i would not only have had to load my truck four days early (thus draining my available resources of strong, willing men who will help me move) and slept on beth’s couch, but i would have had to rent the truck for like five days. hello, expensive!  it would have worked out and i would have been fine, but i was hoping (and praying for weeks) that it would not come to that.

and what do you know, my community is letting people stay until the 5th–the day after i can move into my other apartment. absolutely amazing.

miracle number 2: my haircut was cheaper than i thought it would be, and i think it might last me longer than i had expected.  hooray.

miracle number 3: when i went to get my oil changed and my tires rotated (i know…irony of needing to get all of this maintenance stuff done when i have no money!), it was a buy one get one free sale. and i didn’t even have to mail in the coupon–they did it for me. so soon i will have in my mailbox a free oil change.  hooray.

miracle number 4: i got this idea that i should email my second job boss (the tutoring center) and see if there was any chance that i might be able to pick up some hours during summer a. i’m already working during summer b, but since i’m around and just working on the dissertation during the week, i thought it couldn’t hurt. what’s the worst that could happen? he’d think i was an idiot and/or he wouldn’t have any hours?  pfft. worth the risk.

turns out there might be some hours for me. really just about three a week, but that’s $60 bucks every two weeks, and that’s a very good thing.

anyways, i have been rather in awe of things today. i’ve managed to be really productive and have been seeing all of these many manifestations of my Heavenly Father’s love for me.  He knows that i’m here and is blessing me.  it’s such an awesome thing to recognize. i think too often i pray for things and then don’t pay any attention.  i pray for people and i pray that things will happen, but do i really take the time to enumerate all the different ways in which those prayers are answered? no. usually i’m just whining about the next thing that i want or need or have to do.

i am really blessed. it’s amazing.

i hope you are blessed too. take a minute. they’re there.

part 2

Posted in blogging, Life, me on May 29, 2007 by drbolte

26. the feel of clean sheets.

27. the little stuffed lamb that i sleep with, raggedy as it is.

28. sleeping late with no guilt (something that doesn’t happen very often anymore).

29. answered prayers being clear to me. they are miracles.

30. raspberries. blueberries. blackberries.

31. holding my grandma’s hand. i have good memories and sad memories of that, but i love them all.

32. the gospel of Jesus Christ.

33. witty quips, especially when they come out of my mouth unexpectedly but with perfect timing.

34. school supplies–notebooks, pens, paper, the smell of new vinyl, the sales, the whole sections in stores, the whole thing.

35. wedge heels.

36. fall leaves on maple trees.

37. my dream of going to europe. it may never happen, but i still hold it dear.

38. teaching, especially in those moments when i know i’m doing it well.

39. frozen eggrolls, the world’s most perfect food.

40. being confident enough to be me with no regrets or fears.

41. facebook.

42. law and order.

43. dark chocolate m&ms.

44. the geico gecko. those are the few commercials that truly awe me about advertising.

45. being in the loop, so to speak.

46. blueberry pancakes.

47. instyle magazine. it is the only one that doesn’t feel like a waste to me since it takes me ages to read it and i love every minute of it.

48. baking. it’s such a stress reliever.

49. sass. i define this as the confidence to say what you mean when you mean it and the spunk to get away with it without hurting anyone.

50. playing on swingsets.

i have better things to say…but i can’t say them yet

Posted in blogging, me on May 28, 2007 by drbolte

so until i find a way to articulate them (or the courage to do so in such a public setting), here you go.  thanks to my roomie sapphire for the idea and for her willingness to let me steal it.

100 things i love, part 1 (of 4):

  1. cats on my lap.
  2. my family, around the dinner table, joking and snarking and laughing.
  3. mint oreos.
  4. feeling beautiful, for it is a rare thing.
  5. being the center of attention on my own terms.
  6. target.
  7. sitting in the hairdresser’s chair.
  8. rollercoasters.
  9. listening to the waves.
  10. giraffes.
  11. my mom.
  12. the freedom i feel to sing at the top of my lungs in the car by myself.
  13. books.
  14. the temple.
  15. summer nights just after the sun goes down.
  16. painting the 34th street wall.
  17. taking silly pictures.
  18. dairy queen blizzards.
  19. my eyes and their crazy color-changing effect.
  20. flip flops.
  21. the fact that my nails always look good, no matter what i do or don’t do to them.
  22. TiVo.
  23. being competitive.
  24. pizza for breakfast.
  25. my birthday!

lethargy

Posted in Church, friends, Life, The Single Life on May 27, 2007 by drbolte

i seem to have lost all motivation for much of anything.  i try to get some enthusiasm, i get a shred, and then it’s lost in this overwhelming sense of blah.  i’m not sure if it’s habit at this point–i have spent the last three weeks doing absolutely nothing (punctuated by frantic bits of activity)–or what but it’s annoying.

i have grand goals and plans for this summer–i really do.  right now, though, i’m just not sure if i can get them done.  it feels nearly impossible.

and, per usual, i am returning from my summer hiatus (brief as it was this time) with trepidation. i always wonder if i’ll still have a place, if life will have moved on without me, when i return.  i always wonder if i’ll have reentry problems, to borrow a term.  it may seem stupid to those of you reading this, but i’m always nervous. it doesn’t help that an hour after i return, i’m going to the bishop’s party.  we’ll see how it goes.

but, to be honest, i’m lethargic about my social life too.  there are certain things i wonder, certain things i’d like to figure out, about this summer, but i have no will to make them happen right now. i a little bit don’t care what anybody thinks of me or whether people like me. 

could i actually be approaching antisocial?

this is not good.  it’s so not me.

maybe it’s just a phase. i think i’ll know tomorrow, when i roll up to the memorial day festivities.  we’ll see how it goes.

stay tuned.

double-edged detachment

Posted in friends, Life on May 18, 2007 by drbolte

my previous post indicates most of what i’ve been doing–watching tv and reading and feeling no guilt whatsoever about either.  when i came here, i knew that i could finally have a break. it’s been really nice.

but there’s something really odd about the double-edgedness of being away and completely detached from the life that i have created, from my routines.  i’m finding new, completely idle routines, but i feel really separate from everyone and everything at home.

in some ways, i am saddened by that and in some ways i am liberated by it.

but the ambivalence bugs me. i wish i could just feel one way or the other completely. i seem to feel very ambivalent about a lot of things lately–about people, situations, my own behavior, goals. i’m not committing, i guess, in anything lately–i’m very meditative about everything, mulling it over, trying to figure out what the best decision is.

i yell at people for this behavior. 

but i guess doing something about it really isn’t entirely an option either. i mean, obviously, i could do something about my goals. but i can’t do anything about people. i can’t change situations. they are what they are.  the only thing i can manage to do is to change my attitude towards them. and i try–perhaps that’s where the detachment comes in.  maybe detachment is a choice, a means of coping with things that, normally, you’d be crazy angry about or terribly upset by. 

i wouldn’t characterize myself as a detached person, though. far from it. when i jump in, i’m all in.  but maybe being all in is a choice you have to keep making as well.  no matter what, if you’re all in, you’re all in–even if a person disappoints you or hurts you or there are moments where you feel taken for granted or unappreciated.  i feel like, in some ways, being detached is a way of dipping my toe in the water rather than diving head first.

i don’t know. i’m probably not making any sense. 

nothing new there.

what i’ve done with the last week of my life

Posted in Life on May 18, 2007 by drbolte

watch tv.

that’s pretty much it.

i mean, i’ve done some other stuff. i went to a softball game for my mom’s office. that was good times.  made me realize that being a gator fan has made me fairly rabid in cheering. i like the sassy, so that was a nice surprise.  i’ve done some laundry.  you know, the usual. 

but mainly, i’ve been sucking the TiVo dry.

and i’ve loved it.

i watched the ultimate betrayal on survivor and was thrilled to see the guy get NOTHING (if by nothing you mean $100,000 instead of a million).  i’ve caught up on the ultimate coyote ugly search. i’m pretty much on pins and needles about that one.  *read sarcasm here*  i finished a season (or cycle–sheesh, how pretentious can a show about idiot supermodels be?) of america’s next top model without caring much who won.  that was a first.  i experienced the end of gilmore girls–i think they did a pretty good job.  i feel like loose ends are tied up, though predictably and rather pedantically.  caught up on medium.  found ace of cakes–which is now my secret pleasure because, honestly, it’s what i wish i was talented enough to do.  marveled that they would cut tabatha from shear genius when she’s so bloody brilliant, but cheered that tyson went with her.  watched the season ending of the office–good, funny, up to par–and of grey’s anatomy–just for the sheer cultural capital it gives me and the fact that i could, and it was lame and predictable and convinces me that i need not EVER watch that show again.  watched the penultimate episode of lost.  meh. it was good. best thing about it were the charlie flashbacks, which david accurately noted were actually happy rather than a carnival of familial dysfunction like they usually are.  worst thing was the wimpy juliet.  lame.  she just bugs me now.  bah.

you know, the more i write the more pathetic i sound.

but actually, considering the fact that my first publication as an academic stems directly from my avid TV watching–and analysis–i probably need not feel badly about my habits.  i love TV–even bad TV.  it makes me happy. it kills a boring day.  it lets me do other things while also feeling like i’m not alone in my house. latch-key kid syndrome, i suppose. but since i am a serious pop culture savant–seriously, test me–it also keeps me feeling like my finger is on the pulse of American culture.

sometimes i think that culture is coding, but nevertheless…it’s ours.

and because i’m home, i get satellite, which means i get BBC America…and that means Trinny and Susannah and Gordon Ramsay…that makes me ever so happy.  much as i love Clinton and Stacy, they spend too much time doing all that they do. has america never heard of a half hour reality show?  oy.

vacation days are great. 

freud would have a field day, i’m sure

Posted in blogging, friends, Life on May 14, 2007 by drbolte

i woke up this morning–not long ago, in fact–feeling like i had spent the night dreaming one long, disconcerting dream. have you ever felt that way? like there was a narrative going on in your subconscious that was so elaborate, so detail-filled, that you spent much of your sleeping hours fleshing it out?

that’s the way i feel.

it wasn’t a nightmare in the traditional sense, nor was it something that disrupted my sleep. 

it was just…disconcerting.  and disappointing.

i found out some things last night about someone that i love very much that disappointed me.  i understood why they happened and even think that they’re not really happening anymore, but it still made me feel as if i know very little about this person when i really should know much.  like maybe that person isn’t the person i thought.  like maybe, after everything, i was wrong.

surprise, surprise, guess what my dream was about?

it was a genuinely weird dream–where apparently everyone that i knew or had something to do with was there.  it was an unexpected narrative for me–it was all about standing up for myself and confronting something that i knew was wrong. it was all about me being clear about who i was and what i wanted instead of feeling like i was desperately clinging on to something that i didn’t want to change.  i guess, in that way, it was good. but it was also about loss and disillusionment and feeling as if everything that i know in my heart was ultimately a lie.

you can understand why i woke up seriously disconcerted.

it’s funny, though, how disappointing information can sometimes be exactly what you’ve been asking for. i find it really interesting how Heavenly Father answers my prayers–in ways that, if i wasn’t paying attention, i wouldn’t realize were,in fact, answers. but, of course, where doors close, sometimes more confusing windows open.

sigh.

i know i’m being very enigmatic–i apologize for that, but there’s no other way around it in a public forum.  i guess the bottom line is, this morning i’m wondering if what i know is really true.  if my faith in people is warranted or if i am being naive.  dreams have a way of sending me into deep introspection and some serious dream symbol searching (did you know that being in a library signfies the search for knowledge or answers? duh.).  and leaves me not a little worried–dreams can be warnings and messages. they can also be a message that coffee cake right before bed is not a good choice.

i guess, in my heart of hearts, i know that my faith in the people that i have faith in is not wrong or misplaced.  i guess now i just want some reassurance. 

is that wrong?