freud would have a field day, i’m sure

i woke up this morning–not long ago, in fact–feeling like i had spent the night dreaming one long, disconcerting dream. have you ever felt that way? like there was a narrative going on in your subconscious that was so elaborate, so detail-filled, that you spent much of your sleeping hours fleshing it out?

that’s the way i feel.

it wasn’t a nightmare in the traditional sense, nor was it something that disrupted my sleep. 

it was just…disconcerting.  and disappointing.

i found out some things last night about someone that i love very much that disappointed me.  i understood why they happened and even think that they’re not really happening anymore, but it still made me feel as if i know very little about this person when i really should know much.  like maybe that person isn’t the person i thought.  like maybe, after everything, i was wrong.

surprise, surprise, guess what my dream was about?

it was a genuinely weird dream–where apparently everyone that i knew or had something to do with was there.  it was an unexpected narrative for me–it was all about standing up for myself and confronting something that i knew was wrong. it was all about me being clear about who i was and what i wanted instead of feeling like i was desperately clinging on to something that i didn’t want to change.  i guess, in that way, it was good. but it was also about loss and disillusionment and feeling as if everything that i know in my heart was ultimately a lie.

you can understand why i woke up seriously disconcerted.

it’s funny, though, how disappointing information can sometimes be exactly what you’ve been asking for. i find it really interesting how Heavenly Father answers my prayers–in ways that, if i wasn’t paying attention, i wouldn’t realize were,in fact, answers. but, of course, where doors close, sometimes more confusing windows open.

sigh.

i know i’m being very enigmatic–i apologize for that, but there’s no other way around it in a public forum.  i guess the bottom line is, this morning i’m wondering if what i know is really true.  if my faith in people is warranted or if i am being naive.  dreams have a way of sending me into deep introspection and some serious dream symbol searching (did you know that being in a library signfies the search for knowledge or answers? duh.).  and leaves me not a little worried–dreams can be warnings and messages. they can also be a message that coffee cake right before bed is not a good choice.

i guess, in my heart of hearts, i know that my faith in the people that i have faith in is not wrong or misplaced.  i guess now i just want some reassurance. 

is that wrong?

One Response to “freud would have a field day, i’m sure”

  1. Well, it wouldn’t be faith at all if you needed evidence to back it up 🙂 Disappointment is a part of every relationship. Allowing for that is what separates the good from the bad.

    I shouldn’t set too much store by dreams. Though their nature will react to your circumstances, their content is hardly editorially unbiased, if you follow me…

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