double-edged detachment

my previous post indicates most of what i’ve been doing–watching tv and reading and feeling no guilt whatsoever about either.  when i came here, i knew that i could finally have a break. it’s been really nice.

but there’s something really odd about the double-edgedness of being away and completely detached from the life that i have created, from my routines.  i’m finding new, completely idle routines, but i feel really separate from everyone and everything at home.

in some ways, i am saddened by that and in some ways i am liberated by it.

but the ambivalence bugs me. i wish i could just feel one way or the other completely. i seem to feel very ambivalent about a lot of things lately–about people, situations, my own behavior, goals. i’m not committing, i guess, in anything lately–i’m very meditative about everything, mulling it over, trying to figure out what the best decision is.

i yell at people for this behavior. 

but i guess doing something about it really isn’t entirely an option either. i mean, obviously, i could do something about my goals. but i can’t do anything about people. i can’t change situations. they are what they are.  the only thing i can manage to do is to change my attitude towards them. and i try–perhaps that’s where the detachment comes in.  maybe detachment is a choice, a means of coping with things that, normally, you’d be crazy angry about or terribly upset by. 

i wouldn’t characterize myself as a detached person, though. far from it. when i jump in, i’m all in.  but maybe being all in is a choice you have to keep making as well.  no matter what, if you’re all in, you’re all in–even if a person disappoints you or hurts you or there are moments where you feel taken for granted or unappreciated.  i feel like, in some ways, being detached is a way of dipping my toe in the water rather than diving head first.

i don’t know. i’m probably not making any sense. 

nothing new there.

2 Responses to “double-edged detachment”

  1. Sapphire Says:

    coming home is always weird. things are a little different, a picture moved, a new lamp, a family in the ward that doesn’t even know you existed and gives you suspicious looks at church…for me coming home feels like high school all over again, like my life in gainesville never happened. and when I’m in school I feel like my life in Tallahassee is some far off dream. I’m still trying to mesh the two sapphires together. I’m still trying to decide if I want to.

    I’m blogging RIGHT NOW. hopefully it will be something substantial enough to post…

  2. laurawahlquist Says:

    sometimes I feel guilty for for feeling detached . . . no, I really just feel guilty that I enjoyed feeling detached . . .

    I always enjoy your blogs . . .

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