Archive for May, 2007

bloom where you’re planted

Posted in Church, friends, Life on May 6, 2007 by drbolte

i suppose i like this phrase. i suppose i always have, although at times when i know that i am not blooming where i am planted, i tend to rankle at it and internally say “i do what i want!”

but i know it’s true. we all have the responsibility to do the best with what we have and to make our circumstances into what we want.  nobody likes a constant complainer–although i am all for complaining when you need to–or someone who never sees the beauty and majesty of their blessings.

so i get it. i try to do it.

but what do you do when all the other flowers in the garden seem to be uprooting and moving away? and you’re feeling like the lone daisy left, buffeted by the wind?

it’s been a bit of a strange week. a friend of mine got married, which was awesome and good for him but brought change.  he won’t be in my ward anymore. he won’t be around anymore the way he used to be, and he is one of my favorite people.  he’s been a good friend to me, although i doubt he knows that he has, and i’m going to miss that.  i’m SO happy for him, though, and i don’t begrudge him any of his joy at all. it’s just me being selfish.

a good friend of mine is leaving too–off to law school and bigger and brighter things than gainesville. i know we’ll stay in touch–facebook is AWESOME for that–but it won’t be the same. once she leaves for provo, she’ll be gone.  i’m adult enough to realize that, although it makes me more sad than i can say. she has been an amazing friend to me–has said things to me at times when i needed it that could only be directed by the Spirit. she has, literally, answered my prayers more than once and i have learned so much from her. i love her–she’s amazing.

and she’s leaving.

a few other friends are leaving, getting married, or moving on in the next few months. i myself am moving from the only apartment i’ve ever lived in in gainesville , so i guess it’s pandemic.

but i’ve been thinking about why it is that these changes are bothering me THIS year. why is it that i am somehow discombobulated by all of this change now?  i mean, it’s not like tons of people didn’t get married last year. may and december bring weddings in the college world, and that was true last year too.  what’s different?

i think i’m the one who’s different.  i’m invested in people that i wasn’t invested in before. i am no longer safely distanced from these changes–these changes affect me.  i guess, to continue with my flower metaphor, all of my roots are now entangled with all of their roots, and so when one of them leaves, i have to find my place again.

it’s sad. and it’s happy. and it’s odd. and i’m not quite sure what to make of it.

i have this feeling–and i’ve had this feeling for quite a while now–that this upcoming year will bring much good change into my life. i am looking forward to it, i suppose, the way that i look forward to anything that the Lord brings into my life–with faith, with hope, and with a tiny bit of trepidation at the prospect of jumping out into the dark with no knowledge ahead of time of where i’m going or where i’ll land.

but i’ll jump.  i couldn’t NOT jump.  it’s what He wants me to do, so it’s what i’ll do.

i’ll put my roots down again, and i’ll bloom again.

it’s what i do.

on my way

Posted in Church, friends, Life, School, teaching on May 1, 2007 by drbolte

i should be in bed right now.  i’m headed in that direction.

but i ended up here because i feel like i haven’t blogged much lately. that usually happens when things are okay and/or i’m just too busy.  i am really busy–even after exams, i’m still nutty busy. i had to cancel something last night simply because i couldn’t handle spending EVERY SINGLE NIGHT doing something.  i need some carrie time.  plus, i need to grade at some point.  sigh.

i feel like i might be in the eye of the storm, that time when the wind is still blowing a little and the rain is still coming down,  but you can feel that it’s about to end for a while.  it’s a nice feeling.  i’m tired in so many ways.  it will be nice to go home to my mom, where i can serve her and get my head out of my own life. and now, without the responsibilities of being relief society president, i really can just relax without feeling guilty about not being here.  it’s a good thing.

i got my paperwork for my exams the other day.  that was a cool feeling. i was reading it as i walked from turlington to library west to meet with students, and i realized how incredible it was that i held in my hand the paper that says that i have met all of the requirements to be admitted to candidacy. it was a moment, right there in the middle of the plaza of the americas, that i hope that i never forget.

i wonder, often, what the Lord has in store for me. i know that i am so ungrateful for what i have–always clamoring for more, always asking why i don’t have exactly what i want exactly when i want it.  there is no but to that. i am less grateful than i should be.  i know the Lord keeps His promises, so why should i worry or fret or fear? i know that i am doing what He wants me to do–i feel it at random moments, when i talk to someone or when i am able to accomplish something (however small) that is good and worthwhile.  if i am doing what He wants me to do, what should i worry about?  nothing–that’s the answer.  nothing at all.

my house is a mess and i have papers to grade. those are my goals for this week–grade papers.  meet with the sisters tomorrow after getting my paperwork signed.  finally take care of this ridiculous apartment stuff on thursday.  help throw a FABULOUS party for laura–i’ve got to bring out the party carrie. go see a good friend get sealed.  go party it up at the reception.  go to the beach. go see laura graduate.  clean my house and feed the missionaries in there somewhere.

sigh. even writing it makes me tired.

but then i’ll be done.  then all i have to do is submit my grades, clean my house some more, and pack up and leave.  it will be good.  i will be glad.  maybe i’ll leave on tuesday instead of on wednesday.  mom would be so excited if i just showed up a day early.  maybe i could leave early and then surprise her at work.  that would be SO exciting!

well, this is boring.  i am boring right now.  but i guess that’s a good thing.

the end.