Archive for June, 2007

Posted in etcetera, me on June 28, 2007 by drbolte

Lest I be construed as a plagiarizer (despite the fact that this song hit the Top 10 and was featured on Oprah at least three times–see comments), this is a song made famous by Faith Hill and written by Lori McKenna.  Sheesh. Give me a break, huh? 

Before you met me I was a fairy princess
I caught frogs and called them prince
And made myself a queen
And before you knew me I’d traveled ’round the world
And I slept in castles
And fell in love
Because I was taught to dream

I found mayonnaise bottles and poked holes on top
To capture Tinker Bell
And they were just fireflies to the untrained eye
But I could always tell

Cause I believe in fairy tales
And dreamer’s dreams
Like bedsheet sails
And I believe in Peter Pan
And miracles, anything I can to get by
And fireflies

Now before I grew up I saw you on a cloud
And I could bless myself in your name
And pat you on your wings
And before I grew up I heard you whisper so loud
Well life is hard and so is love
Child, believe in all these things

I found mayonnaise bottles and poked holes on top
To capture Tinker Bell
And they were just fireflies to the untrained eye
But I could always tell

Cause I believe in fairy tales
And dreamer’s dreams
Like bedsheet sails
And I believe in Peter Pan
And miracles, anything I can to get by . . .
And fireflies
And fireflies . . .

Before you met me I was a fairy princess
I caught frogs and called them prince
And made myself a queen
And before you knew me I’d traveled ’round the world
And I slept in castles
And fell in love
Because I was taught to dream

ridiculously fabulous week so far

Posted in friends, Life, me on June 27, 2007 by drbolte

beach without getting horribly burned and with some nice color in my cheeks.

turtle cheesecake from the cheesecake factory.

spending time with some amazing kids.

being told that i was like another sister to someone who i really, really liked at first meeting.

working in the temple.

it’s been a great week so far.

i’m really tired, though.

 
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
 
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
 
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
 

maybe

Posted in Life on June 20, 2007 by drbolte

i didn’t write it…but i hope to embrace it.

  • Maybe…we were supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that, when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.
  • Maybe…when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, oftentimes, we look so long at the closed door that we don’t even see the new one which has been opened for us.
  • Maybe…it is true that we don’t know what we have until we lose it, but it is also true that we don’t know what we have been missing until it arrives.
  • Maybe…the happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
  • Maybe…the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; after all, you can’t go on successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes, failures and heartaches.
  • Maybe…you should dream what you want to dream, go where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of and want to do.
  • Maybe…there are moments in life when you miss someone — a parent, a spouse, a friend, a child — so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real, so that once they are around you appreciate them more.
  • Maybe…the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you’ve ever had.
  • Maybe…you should always try to put yourself in others’ shoes. If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person, too.
  • Maybe…you should do something nice for someone every single day, even if it is simply to leave them alone.
  • Maybe…giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Don’t expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart; but, if it doesn’t, be content that it grew in yours.
  • Maybe…happiness waits for all those who cry, all those who hurt, all those who have searched, and all those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their lives.
  • Maybe…you shouldn’t go for looks, because they can deceive, or for wealth, because even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.
  • Maybe…you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy.

long time no see

Posted in dissertation, friends, Life, me on June 20, 2007 by drbolte

i haven’t written in a while.

not sure why. things aren’t bad.  they aren’t roses and ticker tape parades either, but i’m pretty happy.  the past week or so has been interesting. i’m feeling much less detached than i was, and that’s good.  i’m feeling much more excited about july.  i went through a period of minor freak out about all i had to get done, but i’m feeling good now, ready to work.

i packed six boxes last night. that was fun.  the books are always the first things to go.  i know which books i’ll need and the others? first casualties to the u-haul box gods.  i like the stack that’s accumulating.  i think most people think i’m a little nuts to start packing this early, but they don’t understand how very much stuff i have to go through in other areas of my house (my desk and my closet frighten me) and how much cleaning i have to do in addition to planning all of my daily ENC 1101 classes, keeping up with grading, having a social life, and being out of town at least one of the weekends in july.  oh, and that’s not even counting the dissertation chapter that i have due on august 23rd.

i’ll be lucky if i get it all done. so it’s a good sign that i’m starting this early.  plus, there’s something very therapeutic about doing menial labor.  packing boxes helps me separate my thought processes from the higher-level thinking (what’s percolating in there right now? how do i account of the lingering specter of empire in jane austen’s fiction if i’m saying that she valorizes the sailors who come home and contribute to the development of the middle class?) so that it can stew.  i have to let it stew for a while before anything brilliant occurs.  i also think pressure has something to do with it too–i have to get closer to the deadline before i can really get much done.

the past few weeks have been interesting.  i was brave, didn’t get what i wanted, but didn’t die from it either.  that was new.  i have made some very interesting new friends.  i find that fascinating and other worldly.  i stuck up for myself, got angry, ate crow, and am still waiting to find out how that situation ends up, but i’m not freaked out about that either.

i am, however, going through a bit of a skeptical phase.  perhaps it’s my defensive armor up once again, but i am looking at people askance once more, not sure how to receive them or their comments.  i think i might be playing right now.  not playing at life but for the most part playing on a superficial field right now.

perhaps my heart, like my brain, needs a bit of a rest.

plus, flirting is fun. i have gotten out of practice.

in other news, i am considering sewing a duvet cover for my new bedroom.  i am thinking of doing it in some crazy bold geometric print or something wild.  i don’t know.  it might have to wait until after i move. perhaps after i get the dissertation chapter out of the way, sewing for days on end can be my reward.  ooh. that sounds like good fun.

i’ll blink and july will be gone.  it’s frightening how quickly time passes.

better get packing.

anger

Posted in friends, Life, me on June 13, 2007 by drbolte

there’s something really therapeutic about anger every once in a while. it feels detoxifying, especially when i speak up for myself. and today i did.

i yelled.

well, in text, because that was the medium available to me.

SO THE YELLING LOOKED A LITTLE SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

and i just laid it out there.

there is something truly liberating about standing up for yourself.  i don’t know what it is.  i don’t know if it’s that i never did it before–which is true–or that just the act itself is so empowering.  i really didn’t ever stand up for myself when i was younger.  i think some people are born with the ability to put themselves first and some people have to learn how to do it when it’s appropriate. i skew towards the martyr role–i will give and give and give and certainly wish and expect things in return (not that that’s why you give, but you know…) but when it doesn’t happen, or i feel taken advantage of, i wouldn’t necessarily say anything.

no more.

now, i speak up. now, i tell it like it is.  and most of the time, i feel right about it.

today i did.  no regrets.  i don’t know how it was received.  i’m not sure i care. all i know is that it needed to be said.  and i was the one who needed to say it.

and now i can move on.

it’s amazing how awesome that feeling is.

right and left

Posted in friends, Life, me, The Single Life, yet another reason why i don't understand men on June 12, 2007 by drbolte

i am just ticking people off right and left lately–without even intending to do so.  i have no idea why, but for some reason my good intentions end up being construed as either nosyness (i don’t know how to spell that…i’ll admit it) or me being snarky or obnoxious when i’m really only kidding.

so i’m thinking, for a while, i ought to just give up. i feel myself withdrawing a little into a shell of defensiveness.  i don’t like that feeling.  i had been feeling so confident, so much surer of my own worth, which was good because there have been a few things that have happened in the past few days that could have really sent me into a funk.  but, gratefully, i have not gone there.  but still–i don’t like being willfully misunderstood. and that’s what i feel like right now.

it’s frustrating.  part of me wants to explain and part of me wants to just be “whatever. do what you want. think what you want. and if you think that of me, then you can’t possibly know me at all.”

which is sad when it’s supposed to be your friends, you know?

grr.  talking about this just makes me angrier.  gonna go do some deep breathing and yoga and hope that all the blood rushing to my head will inspire some wisdom.

BAH!

part 4

Posted in Life, me on June 10, 2007 by drbolte

last installment.

76.    the word amazing when it’s applied to me—and i know it is not an empty compliment.

77.    the song “when you say nothing at all.”

78.    laundry day–after everything is done.

79.    serving enough to abandon selfishness.

80.    text messages, especially the unexpected ones.

81.    crossstitching.

82.    the sound of a silent library and the awe that it fills me with.

83.    getting the mail on alternating Thursdays or Fridays.

84.    baby animals in springtime. cliché, but true, especially when i drive by them in the fields.

85.    cherry pull and peel twizzlers.

86.    sand between my toes.

87.    the Rocky Mountains.

88.    jane austen novels. all of them.  there aren’t enough of them.

89.    cranium.

90.    trusting people. it’s not easy for me, so when i get there, it means something big.

91.    being someone trustworthy.

92.    the seemingly eternal search for the perfect purse. it must be how hunters feel.

93.    barbeques and all that comes with them—friends, family, burnt hot dogs, paper plates, everything.

94.    hope.

95.    little kids and everything that goes with them.

96.    lists like these. i learn a lot about myself.

97.    my best friend—and everything that he has taught me and all the ways that i am better for knowing him.

98.    adventures of my own creation, especially when it involves travel.

99.    redecorating, inspired by long hours of inspiring HGTV watching.

100.     my life.  even when i complain, i am a really lucky girl.

through a glass darkly

Posted in Life, me, The Single Life on June 10, 2007 by drbolte

“you’re not the fat kid on the track anymore.”

my mom said this to me tonight, in the context of a conversation about how i need to begin to see myself for what i am instead of what i used to be, to see myself in a clear and honest way untinged by my own concerns.

she’s right. it’s hard though.  it’s amazing to me how much of how we see ourselves–literally SEE ourselves–is filtered through psychology and the internal voices that would have us believe that we are less than we are and cannot ever be what we were born to become.

so i’m beginning to wonder if i ever really will see myself the way others see me.  will i ever realize that i really am cute? regardless of how much i work out, lose weight, and change my look, will i ever really get it?

because if i don’t, does it really matter what i do?  really?

i’m not sure it does.

i get in my own way sometimes. a lot of times, i should say. and i don’t know how to get out of it. i talk a good game about being cute, but most of the time it’s all an attempt to really believe it. there are moments, like friday night, when i can accept that i look really good.  but the moments are so fleeting. i would like for them to stay around a while. i guess i would like this to not be my burden.

of course, i’m pretty sure that it’s every woman’s burden, whether that woman wears a size 2 or a 32. it’s satan’s plan.  that’s just what it is–and it works without us realizing how well a lot of the time.

in other news, i am way brave.  and i am proud of myself for that.

life is puzzling and requires a patience that i do not yet have.

what it’s all about

Posted in Church on June 2, 2007 by drbolte

i had the opportunity to work in the temple again today. i love it there.  there’s nowhere else that i feel the Spirit the way that i feel it there.  nowhere.

i went to the temple today with a heavy heart and burdened mind.  i had a lot to think about.  stuff’s been just not good on a lot of fronts, and i had gotten to the point where i was just tired of it and at my wit’s end.  i tried to prepare myself as much for my service in the temple as i could, through prayer and trying to invite the Spirit. but when i got there, i was still burdened.

that’s not always a bad thing.  sometimes it’s exactly how you need to be to get what you need to get.

i was working as the greeter in the early afternoon, and a teenaged girl came in with about five small children (all under the age of 5).  she was very clearly a babysitting recruit, and the kids were adorable.  shortly thereafter, a husband and wife came down from witnessing a sealing, and the baby spotted her mom.  when she did, she sort of let out this squeal and opened her arms real wide. the teenager let her down and she toddled across the temple lobby into her mom’s waiting arms. her mom was in tears (what mom wouldn’t be?) and later told me that she and her husband had been away for 2 1/2 days and that was the first time they’d seen their kids since.

and i got to thinking, that’s what this life is all about.  our families.  the love in our lives that helps us get to where we need to be.  the people who help us to become better and brighter than we already are.  the people who help us to keep our covenants and to do the work that we are supposed to be doing in this life.

every time i’m in the temple, i realize that.  some of the things that i was burdened with just aren’t important.  some of them are.  but being in a place where the Spirit is so unrestrained for so long, by the end you can’t help but feel lighter and brighter and more hopeful.  at least i couldn’t.

and i walked out of that place today with a smile that has been absent for a while.

i am blessed to be able to serve. i am blessed to know what i know. i am blessed to continue to have experiences that teach me what’s really important.

cracked

Posted in Church, friends, Life, me on June 1, 2007 by drbolte

be careful about putting someone up on a pedestal or thinking that they’re one of the best people that you know.

when the pedestal cracks, it cracks your heart too.

i ought to know this by now. it’s a mistake i make over and over and over again.

now i’m just wondering how to recover from it.  how do you not look at that person as less than they were, now that they’re not perfect? or now that they’ve screwed up? or now that they’ve broken your heart?

how can i feel the same about that person?

do i look at that person’s resolve to do better as something admirable, and focus on that? it really is rather remarkable.  or do i look at the whole experience as learning and growing and at my disappointment as warranted but unimportant?  it all feels very important, but it ultimately isn’t. how i feel means little in the grand scheme of things.

i guess this is the whole unconditional love thing.  what does it mean to really love someone without conditions and without exceptions?  i’m not sure i’m so good at it.  i don’t think i’m fairweather in my loyalty, so to speak, but i also have really high expectations for people.  when they don’t meet them…not good.

the whole thing makes me really, really amazed at our Heavenly Father’s love for us. if i feel this way, how He must feel!  and how miraculous is the atonement, that it wipes these things clean from His memory?  amazing.  truly, truly miraculous.

i’m not sure why this week has been so hard, but it really has been. it just keeps getting harder, amid the successes.  i guess that means i’m growing, that Heavenly Father has plans for me.  i feel that way–that i’m climbing up a hill not knowing where i’m going or why i’m going there but just dodging falling boulders and attempting to keep from sliding downwards.

it sucks, but darn if i’ll stop.  but i could really use a better week next week.  is that a selfish prayer?