be careful about putting someone up on a pedestal or thinking that they’re one of the best people that you know.

when the pedestal cracks, it cracks your heart too.

i ought to know this by now. it’s a mistake i make over and over and over again.

now i’m just wondering how to recover from it.  how do you not look at that person as less than they were, now that they’re not perfect? or now that they’ve screwed up? or now that they’ve broken your heart?

how can i feel the same about that person?

do i look at that person’s resolve to do better as something admirable, and focus on that? it really is rather remarkable.  or do i look at the whole experience as learning and growing and at my disappointment as warranted but unimportant?  it all feels very important, but it ultimately isn’t. how i feel means little in the grand scheme of things.

i guess this is the whole unconditional love thing.  what does it mean to really love someone without conditions and without exceptions?  i’m not sure i’m so good at it.  i don’t think i’m fairweather in my loyalty, so to speak, but i also have really high expectations for people.  when they don’t meet them…not good.

the whole thing makes me really, really amazed at our Heavenly Father’s love for us. if i feel this way, how He must feel!  and how miraculous is the atonement, that it wipes these things clean from His memory?  amazing.  truly, truly miraculous.

i’m not sure why this week has been so hard, but it really has been. it just keeps getting harder, amid the successes.  i guess that means i’m growing, that Heavenly Father has plans for me.  i feel that way–that i’m climbing up a hill not knowing where i’m going or why i’m going there but just dodging falling boulders and attempting to keep from sliding downwards.

it sucks, but darn if i’ll stop.  but i could really use a better week next week.  is that a selfish prayer?

One Response to “cracked”

  1. redundancyinbulk Says:

    Always remember, you have a choice. You can stumble on the stones being thrown at you, or you can use them to step on and attain higher levels. I always found it an amazing experience when the “prefect beings” in my life screwed up…because all of the sudden I knew they could understand my own vulnerability. And when talking to people, realizing how many of them were shocked to hear that I wasn’t the perfect specimen they had thought me to be either – it was an eye-opener.
    Never forget – you never know how amazing people out there think you are. And when you concentrate so hard on watching for those boulders, trying not to let them hit you – you miss out on the wonderful view behind you showing you just how far you’ve really come.

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