through a glass darkly

“you’re not the fat kid on the track anymore.”

my mom said this to me tonight, in the context of a conversation about how i need to begin to see myself for what i am instead of what i used to be, to see myself in a clear and honest way untinged by my own concerns.

she’s right. it’s hard though.  it’s amazing to me how much of how we see ourselves–literally SEE ourselves–is filtered through psychology and the internal voices that would have us believe that we are less than we are and cannot ever be what we were born to become.

so i’m beginning to wonder if i ever really will see myself the way others see me.  will i ever realize that i really am cute? regardless of how much i work out, lose weight, and change my look, will i ever really get it?

because if i don’t, does it really matter what i do?  really?

i’m not sure it does.

i get in my own way sometimes. a lot of times, i should say. and i don’t know how to get out of it. i talk a good game about being cute, but most of the time it’s all an attempt to really believe it. there are moments, like friday night, when i can accept that i look really good.  but the moments are so fleeting. i would like for them to stay around a while. i guess i would like this to not be my burden.

of course, i’m pretty sure that it’s every woman’s burden, whether that woman wears a size 2 or a 32. it’s satan’s plan.  that’s just what it is–and it works without us realizing how well a lot of the time.

in other news, i am way brave.  and i am proud of myself for that.

life is puzzling and requires a patience that i do not yet have.

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