out of sorts

I woke up this morning just not really feeling myself. I didn’t feel bad–I had gotten enough sleep last night, woke up in plenty of time to cute myself up for church, and wasn’t late or anything.  But I just, throughout the day, felt progressively less and less good about myself and about things. I mean, I’m sitting here with tears for NO GOOD REASON.

And lest we immediately blame in on PMS, it’s not.  I know it’s not.

I think I’m just sad. I don’t think there’s anything particularly wrong with that.  I’m stressed out, definitely, and I’m worried about moving–let’s be honest, I’m pretty much freaked out about the whole thing. I’m really excited to live with the girls that I’m living with, but I’ve never done the roommate thing before. What if I am terrible at it? What if they end up hating me?

These are all things that I’m thinking.

Through no fault of my own, I ended up sitting by myself in church today.  Is that a huge deal? No.  I don’t go to church to be surrounded by admirers. But it felt lonely…and I felt put on the spot because I was sitting close to the front and I just in general felt uncomfortable.

It’s how I would best describe my feelings right now–uncomfortable and, as the title suggest, out of sorts.

I wonder where that phrase came from, out of sorts.  It, like so many weird phrases in English, has no inherent logic.  But I like it.  It totally explains how I’m feeling.  Strange.

One reason for this might be that I miss my mom.  I never realize how much I miss her until it hits me, all at once, usually shortly before I get to go home. I’m going home for about 10 days right after classes end for Summer B.  I haven’t seen her since the end of May.  It will be really good.  I am excited about that, but I just miss home and comfort and no stress.   I miss the peace that comes with home.

I think I am just sad about a lot of things, and then I got a text message that basically chewed me out–totally unexpectedly–from someone I thought was a friend, and that was sort of the last straw. I was already fighting back tears in church–for what reason, I know not–and then I got called up to play 72 hour kit Price is Right (awesome idea, guys…seriously) and had to fake enthusiasm (and, yes, I cleaned up. I should seriously be on that show).  And then I sit down and WHAMMO.  Somebody digitally yelling at me.  Splendid.  Gee, thanks for that.

So now I’m going to watch a movie (I originally typed move…funny Freudian slip about what I’m REALLY thinking about), maybe eat some barbeque chicken and mashed potatoes, take some Vitamin C, and try to remember why it is that I love Gainesville.

Because I am NOT feeling the love right now.

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2 Responses to “out of sorts”

  1. Sapphire Says:

    so…confused..can’t…navigate…AHH.

    wait, okay. I think I’ve figured this out.

    kinda…dreary for you though isn’t it? I mean yeah, all ten or so of my xangas in the past were gray black or some blend thereof, but it’s not what I’d expect from you.

    also, I like deliberately sitting in the very front not next to anybody, so it looks like I am there to be enriched and not there to see who is saving me a seat/going to sit next to me. And I am there to be enriched, so not giving myself a chance to worry about the silly stuff helps with that. Although sometimes I wonder what would happen if I sat in the middle, who would slump next to me. Who would scoot over and wave me down to sit next to them if I was late. But it’s not important. not really.

    also, why do people send mean text messages on sunday? every part of that action was wrong.

  2. Ahh, hon. I think you’re right. It’s okay to feel like this sometimes. Still, I hope you feel better soon. And I’d love to throw eggs and rotten tomatoes at some people if it would make you feel better…

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