no combination of words i could say

So, it feels like a long time since I’ve posted.

I’m sure few of you have noticed. I mean, I am not exactly a high-traffic blog. Instead, I like think of my readers as the noble and stalwart few…those who can navigate the craziness that is my brain with fortitude and a dash of humor.  You few, you mighty few…I commend you.

But I digress.

I have not been around much.

Life has sped up.

A lot.

And gotten pretty interesting.

A lot interesting.

I am not sure what I think about it.  Right now? I’m just taking it moment by moment, trying to keep my wits about me while all the world is losing theirs and trying to be forward thinking.

If I think too much about it, I feel a combination of the kind of giddy excitement that makes you want to dance in the middle of the room at random moments and completely freaked out.

I’m also trying to freaking keep up with my workload. It’s not working very well.  I’m getting there.  I just don’t really know how to manage all of the distractions in my life.

These distractions seem to have seeped into my writing, as well, because I can’t manage to stop digressing.

Really, what I’ve stood in awe of over the past week or so?

How very much my world has expanded.

After I posted all angsty about whether or not a perfect brightness of hope should hurt–I guess that was about two weeks ago, wasn’t it?–I decided that, regardless of whether or not it hurt, I need to have it. I need to not only have it, I need to act with complete faith.  Act as if I already had it, as if my Heavenly Father’s promises were true, as if what I knew about myself–way down deep at my core–was true.

I need to stop questioning and start doing.

So I did.

I mean, it wasn’t a huge change. It probably wouldn’t have even been noticeable if not for the Spirit’s quiet whisperings, which have been with me since that day which featured me not only pouring my heart out to my best friend but also to my Heavenly Friend, and have been pointing these incredible moments out to me.

Like the moments, more often than not, when I believe that I am beautiful and I act as if I am.  I don’t question so much or seep myself in insecurity. I simply believe it.

Or the moments when I realize that I actually do believe that that cute, quality guy would want to date me–and I act as if it’s true.  I don’t live in fear.  I step out of it and move on.

And the moments when I sit, amazed to see that my world has just completely expanded.

Isn’t that an extraordinary thing? When you realize that because you had faith, or because you stepped out of your comfort zone, or because you just decided that what you wanted was worth doing something about, your whole world shifts and changes?

I can’t even articulate it.

But the boundaries and borders that I thought I had in my life are gone.  Not the boundaries and borders that keep me safely on the path that I want to be on, but the boundaries and borders that kept me from being  everything that I am and embracing who I could be.  The fear, the insecurity, the worry…without them being the lens through which I see EVERYTHING, life looks a lot different.

And it’s full of amazing and wonderful and unexpected magic.


2 Responses to “no combination of words i could say”

  1. Hey, that’s really really cool. Sounds like me. Maybe I need to just start believing that I am worth something and I will start to act like it/feel it. It’s not as if my husband doesn’t tell me at least every week that he thinks I’m worth a lot eg. look how many friends I have. But sometimes it’s hard not to take the small slights and make them seem like you’re not worth anything.
    The whole Holy Spirit in you thing definitely makes a difference too. I’m still working on that…

  2. sometimes I feel like I never write when I’m happy because it’s all boring and I don’t think anyone really cares. more and more though, I can’t write when I’m happy because it truly is inexpressable. Words are wonderful, and can say so many beautiful things, but it’s times like these where I wish I painted or wrote music or something, those mediums seem to stretch their fingers to the heavens just a little bit more than words…

    also, YAY HAPPY.

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