Archive for October, 2007

i bow at the feet of the velveteen mind

Posted in blogging, friends, holy smartness batman, Life on October 25, 2007 by drbolte

Please read this.

You won’t regret it.

bungee cords are for sissies

Posted in etcetera, Life, me, The Single Life on October 25, 2007 by drbolte

So, I’m old.

I mean, I’m not old, but I’m old enough to have been batted around by life a little.

It’s not a bad thing. It’s just a fact.  When you live life, and try to live it well (by which I mean not holed up in your apartment watching Lifetime and trying to live vicariously through a 1980s miniseries by Judith Krantz), you get knocked down a few times.

It’s been good for me in lots of ways.

But it has made me a wee bit wary.

I mean this in the best possible way. I don’t consider myself a pessimist at all–in fact, I really try to see the sunnier side of life on most days, and it drives me crazy when people are perpetually negative. I want to be like “listen. seriously. we’re all so blessed.  move on already!”

But I also have learned to see the greys in life.  I used to be a strictly black and white thinker–something was either this or that and nothing inbetween, something that would drive my mom crazy.  She told me that I would think differently when I was older, and she was right.  While I believe in the black and whites of life–sometimes, things are either right or their wrong, fair or unfair, good or not good–I can also see the nuances when nothing seems to quite fit.

(It may also be the Libra in me, who often sees both sides of a situation equally well.)

Because of being knocked down and around and getting back up and in the fight, I think I’ve developed some life callouses.  Do you know what I mean?

You get punched in the same place enough times, you start to build up a tolerance.  Either that, or you guard a lot more vigilantly to protect that bruised and battered part.

(Wow. Could I use more metaphors? Oy.)

There comes a time, though, doesn’t there, when you have to let your guard down a little bit? When you can only grow so much before you have to get way vulnerable to grow some more?

I don’t like that at all.

I keep things guarded a lot.  It’s a defense mechanism born of experience.

But I don’t want to be that guarded anymore.  I don’t want to be impenetrable and tough. I want to be seen, known, loved for exactly who I am.

Crazy. Flawed. Strong. Beautiful. Smart. Funny.  Amazing.  Kind. Snarky.

And every other contradictory and fascinating element that makes up me.

But I think it’s interesting how much of that is a choice.  How much control we actually have in how vulnerable we are.  Everything, really, is a choice.   You can’t really fall unless you choose to leap.

But standing there, at the edge of that cliff, all safe and secure and protected? It seems like a huge risk.  I could land hard. It could be rough. Or it could be amazing.

I think it’s worth it.  Don’t you?

Posted in blogging, etcetera, Life, me on October 19, 2007 by drbolte

i have no words.

seriously.

and that’s new for me.

when somebody thinks of carrie, rarely do they think “quiet…retiring…shy.”  i mean, i am shy in certain situations. and i have moments when i completely keep to myself.  but, in general, i am not a person without words.

often, i speak too often about too much that i know too little about.

but now…?  i have no idea what to say.

it’s amazing how sometimes life is much bigger than the words there are to describe it.

that’s how i feel right now.

it’s really good.  and weird.

i’m out of my element.

the arrested development of my horrible, terrible, no good very bad day; or, why i now understand why they call it the curse

Posted in etcetera, friends, Life, me, mirror mirror on the wall, you have to be a chick to understand on October 15, 2007 by drbolte

PMS just sucks.

i mean, really and seriously sucks.

do you remember that episode of the series “Roseanne”? where the kids and the husband look at the calendar and start freaking out because apparently their wife/mom has been possessed by the spirit of a demon from hell?

yup. that’s me today.

not so much the irrational rage and homicidal tendencies, but crazy insecurity and a way large tendency towards misinterpreting almost anything as somehow reflecting negatively on me.

i was having one of those days today.

it started out good.  i mean, i had a backache when i woke up, but i had slept well and i was going to institute, so it was all good.   i got the chance to break some pencils in institute class–broke like 6 of them together.  it was part of an object lesson, and i’m fairly certain that i wasn’t supposed to be able to do that, but i did it anyways.

maybe that should have been a sign?

then i got to talk to one of my favorite people.  i did some stuff that i had been meaning to do for a week.  i was all set to be way productive.

and then the day got derailed by the demon insecurity and it went a bit like this:

person 1: hi, carrie.

person 2: hey.

person 1: how’s it going?

person 2: [insert crazy sniveling whining fit here, brought on by nothing much at all]

so, ladies, you’ll understand this.   it just happens. and, guys, you understand it too.  girls are just crazy a little bit sometimes.  and while it annoys the ever-loving crap out of me when every emotion expressed by a girl is attributed to PMS by guys, for me? insecurity, whining, and craziness? almost always the result of the demon.

but here’s where my day gets worse.  or at least it started to get worse.

i felt really, really stupid about the whole thing. we hadn’t been talking about the weather or about the latest issue of InStyle. we’d been talking about something of consequence, and my lame reactions to it made what might have been an otherwise fine conversation be way more drama-filled than it needed or should have been.

commence the “stupid!stupid!stupid!” inner monologue.

[remember how i’m feeling]

see, i don’t like to be told what to do, how to act, or what to feel.  i don’t like to be human.  i mean, that’s just the truth. i would, if i could, be the superwoman caretaker of all, always in control of my own emotions, always appropriately sympathetic with a splash of spunky humor, always ready with words of wisdom from the times when life has knocked me down and broken my heart in private.

i do not like to show to other people, especially people that matter to me, that i am not as together as i aim to be.

but worst of all? i don’t like to feel like i messed up something.  i don’t like to feel stupid.

and, boy howdy, was i feeling stupid.

and then, not fifteen minutes after this all went down and i realized that i was, perhaps, the stupidest person on the planet and would have given just about anything to be able to push a rewind button and just scrap some semblance of reason together and act like a NORMAL PERSON instead of an irrationally crazy girl, my phone rang.

a friend of mine had called for no other reason than she’d been thinking about me and felt like she needed to call me right then.

cue the waterworks, which had been threatening for at least half an hour probably.

so i told her that i had been having a no good terrible rotten awful bad day.

and she listened to me talk about how crazy i thought i was and about how i wished i had done it all differently.

she told me that i was human. and that that’s okay to be human. and that she loved me.

and she, just by being her and being an instrument in the Lord’s hands when i needed her to be, reminded me of who i am.

i am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who must love me something fierce to bless me so hugely.  He must know me so well to know what EXACTLY He could do to succor me at a time when, honestly, all i would have done was beat myself up for being a freaking idiot.

instead, i got to remember that, in fact, i am amazing.

and definitely human.

and seriously flawed.

but amazing nonetheless.

and that it’s okay for me to be less than perfect sometimes because the people that love me the most love me despite those crazy flaws. in fact, some of them, i think,  love me more because i show those flaws sometimes.

because when i do, i show that, even though i can take care of other people, sometimes i need to be taken care of as well.

i show that, in this armor, there are quite a few chinks. i just hide them well.

we all do, don’t we?

in the process, i think i regained some perspective.  i think i realized some things about myself.  i’m always afraid that the people who see all of the parts of me–most especially the bad parts, or the parts that i don’t like–will decide that i’m not worth the effort.

i’m pretty sure that’s my greatest fear.

but the tiny voice inside of me–the one that’s nearly always right–tells me that, actually, those are the things that make me even more extraordinary. and maybe that me worrying so much about that does more to push people away than just being who i am and embracing it.

crazy days and all.

so, my horrible, terrible , no good very bad day has actually turned into something quite beneficial–perspective.

i needed some of that.

what i really don’t need?

any more of this crazy.  seriously. we’re all full up here.

sheesh.

and wow.

[and i’m cracking myself up here, so that must be a good sign, eh?]

hitch my wagon to a star

Posted in Life, me, mirror mirror on the wall, The Single Life, you have to be a chick to understand on October 14, 2007 by drbolte

I’m watching Hitch.  I think I might need it.

Not that I am without mojo, because when I am on my game, I am unstoppable. I really believe that.

See earlier post about my lack of confidence right now, and its reason.

Man, sometimes it sucks to be a girl.

Until I get to wear cute tweed skirts and black heels and philosophy lip gloss.

Then, it pretty much rocks.

It also doesn’t suck when you get called beautiful.  It really, really doesn’t.

yeah. so.

Posted in Life, me, roommates, you have to be a chick to understand on October 12, 2007 by drbolte

i have a blister on the bottom of my foot the size of a quarter. stupid birkenstocks betrayed me. old navy flipflops would have been better.

i am, right now, consumed by doubts when i had no doubt before and am seeing criticism where there is none.

i miss the girl who walked fearlessly into the future with faith and hope.   wondering where she went, and feeling as though these feelings fit nothing about my life right now, i looked at the calendar.

OH.

hello, PMS.  i wondered when you’d rear your ugly head.

so, in an effort to remember that girl who is amazing and, if not fearless certainly brave, and full of hope, i present to you one of the gifts i got on my birthday–a list of 30 Reasons to Love Carrie, created by one of my roommates.

I was so surprised–and I love it.

1. She loves using big words and defines them for me when I don’t understand them.

2.  She eats ice cream for breakfast and cake for dinner.

3.  She knows how to laugh and then be completely serious a millisecond later.

4.  She quotes Roger Rabbit: “I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way.”

5.  She can turn any bad situation around and make it positive.

6.  She loves ribs…a lot…

7.  She is daring.

8.  She is kind.

9.  She is snarky yet lovable.

10.  She likes British comedy.

11.  Her favorite movie is Clue, need I say more?

12.  She is bea-u-ti-ful!

13.  She is always there to ehlp.

14.  She makes her own bread.

15.  She has orange and blue toenails.

16.  She is one day going to write the Great American Novel…Go Gators!

17.  She is not afraid to speak her mind.

18.  She is slowly rubbing off on me.

19.  She cleans like a fiend.

20.  She makes enchiladas that are to die for.

21.  She always knows just what to say.

22.  She is not afraid to tell me when I’m being stupid.

23.  She brings me out of my shell.  I get funnier when she’s around…or after 11 p.m., whichever comes first.

24.  She loves to laugh even if it’s at herself…but especially if it’s at me.

25.  She loves giraffes.

26.  She is a grat friend.

27.  She always knows how to make me smile!

28.  She rocks my ever-loving socks off!!

29.  She is one of the most amazing people ever and one day she will be ranked as one of the most amazing people ever on VH1.

30.  She will laugh at me making a list of 30 reasons why I love her!!!  And know that it was hard to stick to 30…

I’m trying to remember that girl…the daring one. I think it’s time to put on some lip gloss, a smile, and fake it until it’s true again. That, and do something productive that makes me feel good about myself and my life.

playing small

Posted in Church, family, friends, Life, me on October 9, 2007 by drbolte

 

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some; it is in everyone. And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others. –Nelson Mandela

I have been thinking a lot about choices lately.

The choice to be happy versus the choice to avoid hurt.

The choice to be vulnerable and growing versus the choice to be tough and impenetrable.

The choice to embrace everything in my life versus the choice to fight what’s clearly meant to be.

The choice to believe that I am everything that I am versus the choice to continue to believe that I am less than I actually am.

The choice to take the giant leap of faith versus the choice to remain behind.

Basically, I’ve been deciding whether or not I want to live small and safe or live big, proud, and magic-filled.

I’m choosing big, proud, and magic-filled. I’m choosing to surrender.

(Even if that means that, at some point, I’m going to have to accept the fact that I have big hips and always will. Find the magic in that, will you please, and let me know?)

Do you know how liberating that is? To decide, really and truly, that no matter what happens–the frustrations, the disappointments, the hurts, the broken hearts, the days without justice–you are going to embrace the perfect brightness of hope?

Surrender is in no way giving up. In some ways, I think the moments that I surrender are the moments when I can truly begin to exercise my agency.  Until then, I’m just fruitlessly banging my head against the wall.

The thought process that has led up to this decision has been an incredible one. And changing my attitude has truly led to a great deal of happiness.

So, here’s the thing I want to say today on the day that I turn 30…I’m amazing.

I say this not to be smug or self-righteous, cocky or arrogant.  I say it not in false bravado or a desire for others to pay attention to me.

I say it because it’s true.

I say it because there’s nobody like me here on this earth.

I say it because it’s the way Heavenly Father feels about me.

I say it because it’s the way my family feels about me.

I say it because it’s the way that countless others, close to my heart, feel about me.

I say it because it’s true.

One of my goals for this birthday was to make a list of 30 reasons why it’s amazing to be 30…and to believe them. The longer I think about this, the more I think that there’s really only one reason why it’s amazing to be 30.

I know who I am…and I dig her.

That’s the biggest gift a girl could ask for.

(But I’ll still take whatever you got…so hand over the loot!)