playing small


Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some; it is in everyone. And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others. –Nelson Mandela

I have been thinking a lot about choices lately.

The choice to be happy versus the choice to avoid hurt.

The choice to be vulnerable and growing versus the choice to be tough and impenetrable.

The choice to embrace everything in my life versus the choice to fight what’s clearly meant to be.

The choice to believe that I am everything that I am versus the choice to continue to believe that I am less than I actually am.

The choice to take the giant leap of faith versus the choice to remain behind.

Basically, I’ve been deciding whether or not I want to live small and safe or live big, proud, and magic-filled.

I’m choosing big, proud, and magic-filled. I’m choosing to surrender.

(Even if that means that, at some point, I’m going to have to accept the fact that I have big hips and always will. Find the magic in that, will you please, and let me know?)

Do you know how liberating that is? To decide, really and truly, that no matter what happens–the frustrations, the disappointments, the hurts, the broken hearts, the days without justice–you are going to embrace the perfect brightness of hope?

Surrender is in no way giving up. In some ways, I think the moments that I surrender are the moments when I can truly begin to exercise my agency.  Until then, I’m just fruitlessly banging my head against the wall.

The thought process that has led up to this decision has been an incredible one. And changing my attitude has truly led to a great deal of happiness.

So, here’s the thing I want to say today on the day that I turn 30…I’m amazing.

I say this not to be smug or self-righteous, cocky or arrogant.  I say it not in false bravado or a desire for others to pay attention to me.

I say it because it’s true.

I say it because there’s nobody like me here on this earth.

I say it because it’s the way Heavenly Father feels about me.

I say it because it’s the way my family feels about me.

I say it because it’s the way that countless others, close to my heart, feel about me.

I say it because it’s true.

One of my goals for this birthday was to make a list of 30 reasons why it’s amazing to be 30…and to believe them. The longer I think about this, the more I think that there’s really only one reason why it’s amazing to be 30.

I know who I am…and I dig her.

That’s the biggest gift a girl could ask for.

(But I’ll still take whatever you got…so hand over the loot!)

2 Responses to “playing small”

  1. I love your philosophy and seizing your life – you will have a happy birthday, I am sure.

    I got a baby for my 30th – wouldn’t have it any other way – but am still finding all the new bits of the inner me to celebrate my 39th!

  2. why yes I do like to pull amazing quotes out of my butt in hopes that carrie will later use them in a blog post, why do you ask?

    hips= better for pushing out them babies. duh.

    God helps those who help themselves. whether in love or gardens, self esteem or buffet lines. we are not helpless dangling creatures, our nature does not dictate that we automatically drift towards heroism.

    also you are amazing because you take care of my sickly dog! other stuff too, but you don’t know how grateful I am to have roomies who put up/help out with ash. brat that he is.

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