teetering

have you seen storypeople?

it’s lovely. go there. it makes you think, and some of the quotes get me where i live. this one especially struck me today, as i think it describes better how i’m feeling than i could myself.

Most people she never tells about the tightrope because she doesn’t want to listen to their helpful comments from the ground.

do you ever feel like you’re walking a tightrope and, rather than hear suggestions about foot placement or balance, you’d like to just hear some cheerleading? or maybe some sympathetic “ooh!”s and “wow!”s?

that’s how i’ve been feeling.

nothing bad’s happened. life is still amazing and magical.

but i have a lot to do. and not a lot of it seems to be getting done for the running around like a crazy person that i seem to do every day.

case in point: yesterday.

it was my temple wednesday, which i was alternately grateful for and wishing was another week. more gratitude than wishing, though, lest you throw rotten fruit at me. so, i was up at 5 and driving to orlando (about a 1 1/2 hour drive one way) by 5:30. i worked until about 12:45, then had to run to walmart, then drove home, then talked to my mom for about a half an hour, then helped my roommate with a project for some departing missionaries that we adore (stupid transfers!), then had dinner with the missionaries, then stayed home from institute ostensibly to get some much-needed sleep but ended up working on the project some more until i begged for mercy at 10 and went to bed. where i ended up not being able to fall asleep until like 11. and then i woke up at 5:45 to go to breakfast this morning.

yeesh.

yeah, i know that everybody’s got crappy schedules, and my world of singleness and fun and running around doing crazy things is probably not at all seeming like it’s rough.

but when all i want to do is sleep, read a freaking book that i need to read, or clean the house and i can’t manage to get any of that done, it’s deeply frustrating to me.

i feel time ticking by and i wonder if i have much to show for it.

right now, more than ever, i feel like my life is a tightrope. a rich, rewarding, fabulously fantastic tightrope, but a tightrope nonetheless.

and weeks like this, where it all seems to be crashing in on my head, my sleep-deprived, perhaps whiny head, make me want a cheerleading section.

this week, when i tried to get people to cheer me on, they all sort of shrugged and went back to concentrating on their own busy schedules. it makes sense.

but at times i want to say, “excuse me, do you freaking REALIZE everything that i’m handling up here? do you realize how gravity-defying this is? do you UNDERSTAND that at any moment i could plunge, head over feet, onto the concrete below…but that i’m managing to not?”

i realize, though, like storypeople says, that sometimes it’s better to not call attention to the tightrope.

if nobody else sees it, maybe it’ll be easier to walk.

or that’s what i tell myself, anyways. but sometimes i’d just like the people that i love the most to notice it on their own. and give me a hug.

maybe i’ll start doing that for the people in MY life instead.

it will certainly help me keep my balance.

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One Response to “teetering”

  1. THREEDAYWEEKEND.

    It could’nt’ve come at a better time. see? God does look out for us.

    I feel like I have so many things I was supposed to do this week that I still haven’t done. I have a list of things I was supposed to do and there are still some empty check boxes. and there are so many nonvital things I want to add to this list that I feel like I will never do, like paint words on the ivory parts of my bed frame, like volunteer at shands or the animal shelter. like write the great american novel. and really, above all of those things, I mostly just want to sleep. and now I finally can.

    I think things will be better come sunday. sundays seem to have that effect.

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