logic makes no sense

How is it that finally being free from a situation that, at the end, only brought a great deal of pain or angst be both so amazing and so empty feeling at the same time?

It’s a strange sort of adjustment.

I am a yo-yo right now. Less now, this week, than in the past few…so much less that it’s hard to articulate the positive difference…but still I find myself moving from a great giddy excitement about all of the possibilities that the world offers me right now and a sense of melancholy poignance about when things were good and great and exciting that I think anyone who has loved and lost knows.

I want, somehow, to make myself make logical sense during this process.

You know the drill…Logic rears its ugly head with the line of bunk that basically begins with “if you were a stronger person, you would be able to…” or the train of thought that begins with imposing time limits on life lessons and derails about the point when I realize that it takes as long as it takes to learn whatever I’m supposed to learn or the comparisons to other people who seem to be fine with whatever comes their way.

In those terms, I seem to fall miserably short.

But none of that really works for me in this particular situation, because nothing about the whole thing ever made any kind of logical sense.  Why would the end be any different?

Do you know the film Never Been Kissed? At the end, when Drew Barrymore’s character has to write her soul-baring, career-saving article about her journey? And she says that she left high school the first time with a lot of regrets, but that second time, her regrets were down to one?

I feel that way as well.  I really just have very few regrets.  It’s nice.  Even when the situation is still so close, with true distance and perspective months yet away, I see the whole thing as for my benefit, even though it ended so much worse differently than I predicted.

(Emotional tumult is also an excellent diet. I will say that I was rather pleased with the way the jeans were fitting tonight.  Who knew of such side benefits?)

So, I’m moving on, my eyes trained very clearly ahead and not behind.

I feel almost catapulted into action, on both spiritual and academic levels, and perhaps that is precisely what I’ve needed. I know where I am is where I’m supposed to be, on this path and focused, for the moment, on actually finishing my dissertation. It’s been on the back burner for far, far too long.

But you’ll forgive me, I’m sure, if I take a few glances back every once in a while.

I think it’s only natural.

Even if it doesn’t make any sense.

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