reinvention

I am embracing the overwhelming desire to reinvent myself, my life, my world.

Don’t grow concerned–I’m not in the midst of a full-on identity crisis.  In fact, I think it may be just the opposite.

When I came home this Christmas, my grandpa said that, since he saw me at Thanksgiving and now, he knows that I have found myself. I’m not sure I knew that I was lost, per se, but I’m also not sure he’s wrong. My grandpa tends to wax philosophical about my returns–I guess he sees that I have changed every time I return after a few months away; honestly, I think my mom sees the same thing, and I’m the only one not seeing the changes–but this time, I think he might be right.

It’s a nice idea, anyway, that I am coming into my own.

I usually end up making my hair a mirror of my quest to find myself–quite honestly, my hair has been a chameleon over the past two years, changing with any whim of mine or when I needed a boost of confidence.  I don’t know that what I’m doing can really rate as anything truly dramatic–a new shaggy, shorter layered look with some sassy funky appeal and a dark brown/chocolate brown color–but maybe it’s the combination that feels like reinvention.

Or maybe it’s just my attitude about it.

A friend of mine said, just after she chopped her hair off again this week, that she pictures all of her troubles and worries in that hair that’s being chopped off and so she feels liberated.  Something about that thought rang really true to me.

We all need those moments when we feel that we are shedding all of the worries and weights of the past and moving confidently forward, with purpose and direction.  Isn’t that the hallmark of this time of the year?

To be honest, I don’t usually buy into the whole New Year’s nonsense.  I mean, I’ll admit that I’ve started a diet or five when the New Year rolled around, or aspired to work out more, but really?  I don’t make resolutions on that day because I feel like resolutions ought to be made all year round.   Goals are goals.  Resolutions seem made to be broken.

So I guess I feel like a bit of a hypocrite to be feeling the reinvention bug now, a day before the New Year rings in.  Last year I did it too…but it was my apartment instead of myself.  I redecorated my living room–made new curtains, completely changed the color scheme, and in so doing felt like I had righted my world.  Nevertheless, I don’t think I had connected it to New Year’s.

See, in my world, with January comes a brand-new semester.  This one seems more full of promise than any other.  My dissertation is on a really good track. My director told me that I am writing with more confidence than ever and I am infused with a great excitement and motivation to make it amazing.  I’m going to be teaching a class that I’ve never taught before–the first class that will make me feel, actually, as if I am a real professor.  A real professional.  I’m already planning my wardrobe choices, to be honest.  You know if I’m planning what I’m going to wear already, it’s important.

I feel like I have this great opportunity to start anew.  To approach things differently. To cultivate and concentrate on the relationships that matter.  To create adventure.  To learn to love the parts of me that I’ve never liked, even as I try to change them for the better.  To accomplish the things that I’ve so wanted to accomplish but haven’t had the courage yet to really run after with true zeal.  To stop being scared and start being me…with no apologies.

That’s a lovely, hopeful feeling.

I hope it lasts.  Hope is an amazing motivator.

It might even get my larger than I’d like butt onto the treadmill come January 8th.

THAT would be amazing.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: