frickin’ brackin’…are you just kidding me right now?

(Many thanks to Brillig for letting me steal her phrase…and by letting, I mean I lifted it and hope she won’t hate me.) 

The playlist has switched. Not listening to “Stronger” by Kanye anymore; no real need for the personal connection to my Good Charlotte ringtone.   Totally moved on.  No more anger.  No more feeling like anything was my fault (because, good heavens, would I be a woman if I didn’t try to make everything my responsibility and, therefore, within my reach to fix?).  No more even wanting anything back.

It was all where I wanted it to be–misty watercolored memories (sorry…nothing else really works) with the tiniest dash of melancholy but mainly just a really healthy detachment with gratitude for the experience attached.   Closed chapter.  Done and done.  All ready for the new year.

All ready to kick the flirtatiousness into high gear and get focused on what matters most to me.

And, let me tell you, it ain’t this old song.

Nevertheless, after a fairly awesome day yesterday (and…yeah…can’t explain how awesome), life just presents it back on my plate today–same song, different verse. It’s as if I’m just going to have to keep choosing to not want this, in its various incarnations, over and over again.

Or, maybe, it’s deeper than that. Maybe the exercise is really in choosing myself.  Choosing to stay in control.  Choosing to be very deliberate about who I trust and realize that I have the absolute right to feel that way.  Choosing to believe that, if I feel that I was not treated well, I don’t have any obligation to do any more than what I want to do and what is best for me.

And that I am the only one who knows what that is.

Because, see, the dialogue in my head goes a little something like this:

Sanity: Stay away. Look how HAPPY you are right now.  Why is that? It’s because you’ve MOVED ON. Don’t let anyone take that away.  The only reason this is happening is because some people always want things on their terms.

Insanity: But…friendship is a good thing. I’m supposed to be friends with everyone, right?  I can be in control here.  Friends on my own terms.

Sanity: Nothing’s different.  You don’t trust this person.  Nothing about this is good.

Insanity: Meh.  Shut up.  I’m tough.

Sanity: Yeah…okay.  Heard that song before.

(…and scene.)

So, yeah.

The weird part?  The harder choice is to choose myself.  The hardest thing is to stand my ground.  It’s not that I care what anyone thinks or that I’m afraid it will turn out to be a bad choice–because I know it won’t.  It’s that it’s a test to see what I really think about myself.

Am I good enough to be treated well? Or am I someone’s beck and call girl?

Does someone have to earn my friendship, because it’s worth that much?  Or do I just give it away like a free sample of something that can’t be offloaded in stores?

I think I know what I want to do.

Do I have the courage to do it?

That seems the real question that needs answering.

One Response to “frickin’ brackin’…are you just kidding me right now?”

  1. I’m pretty sure Brilly won’t mind 😀 I’ve stolen it too.

    Darling girl, I’m reading a lot between the lines here since you are so frickin’ brackin’ vague all the time (HA!) but if I’m reading right, I’ve been in your shoes before and let me tell you, friendship has to be two sided and it seems this other person only wants you as a friend in certain situations.

    Be strong love! Do what’s best for YOU!

    Many thanks, lovely Kateastrophe. I am vague because I have a multitiered readership. If it were just my bloggy friends and my roommates reading, the dirt would be dished and how. I know the vagueness is annoying…alas, that is my life. 🙂

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