funk

I’m still in a funk.

I still don’t know why.  I’m beginning to wonder if I am getting sick or if I’m still tired or if I’m just overwhelmed at being back.  Adulthood and responsibility, after almost a month of basically none, is for the birds.  I’m wondering if my expectations were far too high. I’m wondering if these challenges of insecurity and discouragement are meant to take my eye off the prize–the two goals that I came back to attack. I was all ready to do them. I had confidence that I could slay those two beasts.

Now I’m having trouble thinking about anything other than the things that I don’t want to think about at all.

I’m a little pissed off that I had to deal with the drama right when I got back.  I guess I’m glad that I could do what I was supposed to do–and, yeah, I was supposed to talk to that person and that person was supposed to recognize responsibility and take some measure of accountability, of that I am certain–but I’m not happy about how it opened the door again to something that I was so much happier not to have in my life.  Now I’m wondering how to close the door again.  I’m wondering why it is that I have to keep closing this door.

What am I supposed to be learning?  Whatever it is…it’s exhausting.

I’m a little ticked off that I am mad at the person I shouldn’t be mad at.  It doesn’t make any sense.  I really don’t like being upset at this person and it makes me feel all out of sorts.  Truly. That’s the best way that I can describe it–I’m completely out of sorts.  Being upset at this person makes me feel like I’m betraying them in some way–isn’t that weird? I should be completely grateful and feel closer and more connected…and all I am is…angry and detached.  Of course, if you are angry, you are not at all detached.

That’s probably the problem.

I was thinking about this last night, and I realized that it felt like well-timed waves of challenge that are hitting me.  Just when I get clear, when I find my footing again, when I feel like things are going well and I’m completely happy, something else hits me.   Something that requires a great deal of strength, of discernment, of spiritual understanding.  Something that just requires a great deal of thought and pondering–or something that at least elicits a lot of that from me. I have been caught up in my head a lot lately.

I guess that’s life, right?  And I was oddly grateful for that fact when I realized it.  If I wasn’t being hit with all of these challenges, I wouldn’t be growing and progressing as much as I hope that I am.

I don’t know.

I’m just tired.  So tired.

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