choosing my own adventures

there’s this commercial playing on MTV right now–i saw it several times today as i was watching both the tail end of a “made” marathon and the beginning of the antm marathon–encouraging people to get tested for HIV.  it features a serious of brightly colored blocks with text on them–saying things like what you download, what you wear, what you eat, who you flirt with, who your friends are, etc.–all with the intent of communicating how much we have control over.

i am struck by this commercial every single time i see it.

it’s really true–even in the midst of so much that we have no control over, we have so much power in choice.  and, ironically, the greatest manifest power in those choices can often be during those times when we feel powerless. when we feel that, despite the fact that things seem to be tough, that we’re slogging through the perpetual mud, that we’re going up the proverbial hill, that life has handed us the clichéd lemons, we will choose to be of good cheer, to have a perfect brightness of hope, to find a glimmer of gladness in what seems to be at best mediocrity or at worst a great deal of despair.

in those moments, even if they are few and far between, we confront the magnitude of who we really are or, better yet, who we can be.  we decide to fight, to move forward.

we choose and rechoose and choose again the path we want to be on.

it’s an exhausting exercise, this life of perpetual choices.   it would be so much easier if i could just make these decisions once–write it down, in detail, what i want and who i want to be and what i want to do and how i want to do it–and then let it all come to pass.

wouldn’t that just be lovely?

not really, i suppose.  we’d never have the option of course correction, never be able to experience the incredible mercy and bliss of do-overs, really never be able to track how much we’ve changed.  we’d never be able to change, really.

and as much as i fight it and as much as i sometimes bemoan it, i love change. i love that i get to change. i love how much i have changed.  i love that i continue to change and i love that all i want to do is continue to change until i have become what it is that i want to be.

the little details of which will likely change as i get closer to it.

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