battle weary

It’s 2:45 a.m.

For about the fourth night in a row, I am awake far later than I want to be only because I can’t. go. to. sleep.

It’s definitely not for lack of trying. Last night I was in bed, blissfully asleep, by 8:15. No, I’m not 7. Just so tired of this whole cycle that I thought that I would stop it. That plan was derailed by my waking up at 12:00 and not being able to get back to sleep for, oh, FOUR AND A HALF HOURS.

I figured tonight I wouldn’t be quite so ambitious. Maybe I would just, you know, go to bed at midnight. It would still give me 8 hours but wouldn’t run the risk of me being awake, cursing my fate, in the middle of the night.

So, here I am. I’m doing all of the things that I should be doing.

Fan is on. White noise and comfortable temperature achieved. No possible yappy neighbor dog barking noises to wake me up.

Sleep aid taken–my drug of choice is Advil PM since with this long bout of insomniac insanity has come a week-long wrestling with headaches that just don’t seem to go away. In theory, this should send me peacefully off to sleep.

Nope. All I’ve gotten is a brief doze during the end of a normally terribly soporific early 90s movie, which I promptly arose out of when turning off the TV, apparently.

I haven’t eaten any time in the last eight hours, so that ought not to be a problem.

So, rather than repeat last night’s frustration that reached the level of tears–and led to me calling in sick to my second job and cancelling office hours to try to get some sleep–I’m writing.

I’m at a loss.

I mean, I’ll have insomnia periodically. I think everybody does. But this? This is just getting ridiculous. It’s almost as if my body’s laughing at all of my attempts to even try to get it back on a normal schedule.

And, honestly, by normal? I would just like to be sleepy. You know…where your body is not exhausted but just, you know, sleepy at the end of the day. Where sleep doesn’t involve some sort of psychological experiment to see just how much frustration one can take before cracking. Where you wake up feeling rested rather than cheated.

I think I remember days when that happened. I’m not sure when it was, but I’m sure that it was lovely.

But nowadays, when I go to fall asleep, my mind turns on and starts cranking. Starts thinking about anything and everything that there could be to think about–the class that I’m teaching and what I need to do for that, my dissertation and whatever goal I hope to achieve the next day, chores I need to do, bills I have to pay, money I need to earn, my friends, the fact that I haven’t exercised at all this week and should have…basically a laundry list of shoulds and coulds and woulds that all get stymied by one thing.

I can’t go to sleep.

And when I do, lately, it’s not particularly restful. This morning, when I finally did go to sleep, I had a nightmare. A vivid one. Pure anxiety–about somebody that I love being mad at me, etc. etc.–manifested during a REM cycle.

Super. That’ll get you ready for the day, eh?

See my dilemma? Any suggestions? I mean, besides the “stay up until you’re just crazy tired and then go to sleep” or “take massive amounts of Simply Sleep,” which I sort of already know. Am I doing something wrong? I feel like I msut be.

Or maybe I’m just a lot more worried about stuff than I think I am, and it’s all coming out in my sleep. Or lack thereof.

Or maybe I’m still fighting off something and my body is just freaking out.

Who knows.

I’m just tired of it.

Ha. Get it?

Oy.

One Response to “battle weary”

  1. Tired, so sick and tired.

    I slept till 1 last weekend and haven’t had more than 5 hours any night since. The dog next door suffered a jug of water last time it was squaking into the light hours…

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