Archive for January, 2008

confessions

Posted in blogging, etcetera, ghetto life, shameless blog thievery on January 10, 2008 by drbolte

many thanks to the wonderful bloggers who have done this (barbie and clink come to mind) and have given me the idea. i am in education, so we all know that the best stuff is the shamelessly stolen stuff.

i can’t stand silence, right now especially.  the TV is always on and the noise, while distracting, is welcome. i am tired of the well-worn paths in my mind.

i find inordinate pleasure from the fact that i will be wielding my drill once more this weekend.  i am also excited that the pictures that have been leaning up against my wall for nearly six months will be up.  they’re important to me. it’s going to be good.

also, i can’t wait to clean.  i feel the desperate need to achieve order in my universe, in any way possible.

i feel old in this college world that i’m living in, even though i am very young in many ways (a fact that i keep getting reminded of over and over again, even though i am not speaking that thought out loud much anymore).

i am REALLY giddily excited about the class that i am teaching.  the students seem genuinely excited to be there and to learn–and i feed off of their enthusiasm. it makes me think that maybe i can do this.  it counteracts my occasional pastry chef moments.

on the flip side, i am completely freaked out by the possibility (small as it may be) that i might not know what i’m doing.  i have to keep reminding myself that i know more than they do.  i actually think that kind of humility is the hallmark of a good teacher.  plus, it keeps me on my toes.

i met a completely new guy yesterday and was rather surprised by how quickly i liked him. there’s no real story there, but i think it restored a bit of my faith in my friendliness and the innate ability i have to connect with people.  plus, it didn’t suck that he was sort of adorable and seemed to not hate talking to me.

i think that i have decided that high heels and professional clothes make me feel sassy.  i’m not sure i’ll be able to keep this up for the entire semester–a skirt on a Thursday? WHAT?–but i sure like it for now.

i have decided that liquid courage for us Mormons is philosophy lip gloss.

i am so tired right now and have miles to go before i sleep–literally.

our apartment has a huge new TV–hand-me-down, of course–and i love it because i can watch it and see everything in minute detail without my glasses.

i miss cooking.   for some reason i don’t feel comfortable doing it in my new apartment.  bad for the thighs, that fact.

i don’t know what to think about the presidential elections.  i have a feeling that the people that i actually like from the two parties (i’m deeply independent, so i cover all of my bases) are going to drop out.  then where will i be? oh…yeah…choosing between hillary/barack and mike/john.  que sigh.

i have two goals that i want to achieve in the next ten months.  i think i can actually do it. and that scares me a little bit.

i made my own trail mix yesterday.  it was kind of fun.  i read about it in real simple online, and i was like “i can do that.” and i did it. take that, martha.

i came back to gainesville with a great deal of hope and excitement.  i feel like it’s been squelched by circumstance. i hate that.

i believe there is a time and a season for everything.  i believe that this is my time and season to not care much about anything other than what’s absolutely necessary for me to think about because it affects my world directly.  is that wrong? my roommate tells me a lot that i worry too much about stuff.  i think it’s what makes my heart beat as big as it does, so i don’t want to lose that, but i wonder if it’s sometimes too big for my own good.

i really want to play guitar hero someday soon, but i really don’t want to suck at it.

i am proud of myself for the way that i handled the drama earlier in the week. i think that’s the first time i’ve said that out loud.  i’m actually quite proud of myself for the way i have handled the whole thing. it wasn’t flawless. i wasn’t perfect. but darnit if i didn’t try awfully hard to be a mature adult about the whole thing.  i think i achieved that.

i don’t tell myself enough that i do things well.

i am blogging this instead of planning for my class in four hours.  that’s arrogance right there.  but it’s my specialty…so i guess i think i can do it?  that’ll be the last time, i believe.

i need a better blowdryer.  my mom’s rocked and made my hair bouncy and shiny. mine?  not so much. or maybe it’s the water. who knows.  either way…something’s gotta give.

i still haven’t replaced my bed frame that was lost in the move. the box springs are still sitting on the floor and i think i like it better now.  i have no idea why.

i really love blogging, even though i feel completely inept at it most days. and i really love comments.  i’ll admit that when i don’t get very many…i wonder if anyone’s reading. but considering i’m a lurker most days myself–and never feel that i have anything substantive to say–i understand.  that said, thank you to all of you who read and find some kind of merit in what i write.  and many thanks for the comments that you do leave–they mean more to me than you know.

funk

Posted in Church, drama drama drama, friends, ghetto life, Life, me, yet another reason why i don't understand men, you have to be a chick to understand on January 9, 2008 by drbolte

I’m still in a funk.

I still don’t know why.  I’m beginning to wonder if I am getting sick or if I’m still tired or if I’m just overwhelmed at being back.  Adulthood and responsibility, after almost a month of basically none, is for the birds.  I’m wondering if my expectations were far too high. I’m wondering if these challenges of insecurity and discouragement are meant to take my eye off the prize–the two goals that I came back to attack. I was all ready to do them. I had confidence that I could slay those two beasts.

Now I’m having trouble thinking about anything other than the things that I don’t want to think about at all.

I’m a little pissed off that I had to deal with the drama right when I got back.  I guess I’m glad that I could do what I was supposed to do–and, yeah, I was supposed to talk to that person and that person was supposed to recognize responsibility and take some measure of accountability, of that I am certain–but I’m not happy about how it opened the door again to something that I was so much happier not to have in my life.  Now I’m wondering how to close the door again.  I’m wondering why it is that I have to keep closing this door.

What am I supposed to be learning?  Whatever it is…it’s exhausting.

I’m a little ticked off that I am mad at the person I shouldn’t be mad at.  It doesn’t make any sense.  I really don’t like being upset at this person and it makes me feel all out of sorts.  Truly. That’s the best way that I can describe it–I’m completely out of sorts.  Being upset at this person makes me feel like I’m betraying them in some way–isn’t that weird? I should be completely grateful and feel closer and more connected…and all I am is…angry and detached.  Of course, if you are angry, you are not at all detached.

That’s probably the problem.

I was thinking about this last night, and I realized that it felt like well-timed waves of challenge that are hitting me.  Just when I get clear, when I find my footing again, when I feel like things are going well and I’m completely happy, something else hits me.   Something that requires a great deal of strength, of discernment, of spiritual understanding.  Something that just requires a great deal of thought and pondering–or something that at least elicits a lot of that from me. I have been caught up in my head a lot lately.

I guess that’s life, right?  And I was oddly grateful for that fact when I realized it.  If I wasn’t being hit with all of these challenges, I wouldn’t be growing and progressing as much as I hope that I am.

I don’t know.

I’m just tired.  So tired.

wrong side of the bed

Posted in drama drama drama, etcetera, friends, me, The Single Life, you have to be a chick to understand on January 8, 2008 by drbolte

I woke up today in a bad mood.

Things got better. I thought maybe it was because I didn’t get enough sleep or whatever. Could have been.

But I actually think I’m angry. At someone that I shouldn’t be angry with because…well…there’s no reason. None at all. In fact, quite the opposite.

(So not at all related to the post yesterday.  That, by the way, has been sort of resolved.)

It’s no fun if you aren’t justified in the anger, you know?

All that ends up happening is that I feel like a putz and have to work through it myself and be magnanimous and all sorts of the bigger person and blah blah blah.

And that just ticks me off more.

frickin’ brackin’…are you just kidding me right now?

Posted in drama drama drama, etcetera, Life, me, The Single Life, yet another reason why i don't understand men, you have to be a chick to understand on January 6, 2008 by drbolte

(Many thanks to Brillig for letting me steal her phrase…and by letting, I mean I lifted it and hope she won’t hate me.) 

The playlist has switched. Not listening to “Stronger” by Kanye anymore; no real need for the personal connection to my Good Charlotte ringtone.   Totally moved on.  No more anger.  No more feeling like anything was my fault (because, good heavens, would I be a woman if I didn’t try to make everything my responsibility and, therefore, within my reach to fix?).  No more even wanting anything back.

It was all where I wanted it to be–misty watercolored memories (sorry…nothing else really works) with the tiniest dash of melancholy but mainly just a really healthy detachment with gratitude for the experience attached.   Closed chapter.  Done and done.  All ready for the new year.

All ready to kick the flirtatiousness into high gear and get focused on what matters most to me.

And, let me tell you, it ain’t this old song.

Nevertheless, after a fairly awesome day yesterday (and…yeah…can’t explain how awesome), life just presents it back on my plate today–same song, different verse. It’s as if I’m just going to have to keep choosing to not want this, in its various incarnations, over and over again.

Or, maybe, it’s deeper than that. Maybe the exercise is really in choosing myself.  Choosing to stay in control.  Choosing to be very deliberate about who I trust and realize that I have the absolute right to feel that way.  Choosing to believe that, if I feel that I was not treated well, I don’t have any obligation to do any more than what I want to do and what is best for me.

And that I am the only one who knows what that is.

Because, see, the dialogue in my head goes a little something like this:

Sanity: Stay away. Look how HAPPY you are right now.  Why is that? It’s because you’ve MOVED ON. Don’t let anyone take that away.  The only reason this is happening is because some people always want things on their terms.

Insanity: But…friendship is a good thing. I’m supposed to be friends with everyone, right?  I can be in control here.  Friends on my own terms.

Sanity: Nothing’s different.  You don’t trust this person.  Nothing about this is good.

Insanity: Meh.  Shut up.  I’m tough.

Sanity: Yeah…okay.  Heard that song before.

(…and scene.)

So, yeah.

The weird part?  The harder choice is to choose myself.  The hardest thing is to stand my ground.  It’s not that I care what anyone thinks or that I’m afraid it will turn out to be a bad choice–because I know it won’t.  It’s that it’s a test to see what I really think about myself.

Am I good enough to be treated well? Or am I someone’s beck and call girl?

Does someone have to earn my friendship, because it’s worth that much?  Or do I just give it away like a free sample of something that can’t be offloaded in stores?

I think I know what I want to do.

Do I have the courage to do it?

That seems the real question that needs answering.

if picasso were here, i’d ask his opinion.

Posted in etcetera, Life, me, The Single Life, you have to be a chick to understand on January 5, 2008 by drbolte

Lots on my mind tonight.  Lots of sussing out to do, to borrow a new phrase from a favorite friend.  Too much to wonder about, too much to try to define and catalog.

Ever been there? When what populates your life seems more surreal than ever, when you don’t know what to make of the three-headed Picasso of your social life, the splatter-painted experiment of your academic life, the crazy refrigerator-inspired installation that has suddenly taken shape in your world?

Nothing’s bad. In fact, it’s quite beautiful and lovely.  It’s just different.  It fits, actually seems to fit perfectly, but it just seems…oddly different.  I guess I might need some time to grow accustomed to it.

In the meantime, I’m rather terrible at interpreting how it all fits.

I used to be that girl who read too much into too little. You remember those days, don’t you? When anything became everything, when the most innocuous event grew into the life-defining moment.  I used to be her, all dreamy-eyed and quick to attach hope to most anything, often things that didn’t merit any hope at all.

I am not her anymore.  I think I’ve ridden the pendulum to quite the other end, actually–where it takes a wealth of evidence to convince me of anything, where I remain conspicuously and carefully cautious and unwilling to take a leap without clear proof that the leap will get me where I want to go.

I am not sure I like that either.

So, here I am…thinking a lot, letting myself hope a little,  and hopefully keeping my head.   Maybe I’ll find my middle ground and, in the process, be able to figure out what it all means.

Yeah…right.  Do we ever?

just one more adoring fan

Posted in ghetto life, Life, me, shopping, someday I'll be a real middle class girl on January 4, 2008 by drbolte

I went to the car wash today.

Let’s just say it doesn’t see me or my little zippy car that I named once but now can’t remember the name…sad, right?…that often.  Like dusting, car washes just sort of fall by the wayside.

But when the accumulated dust on your dashboard has made you forget that you actually have a charcoal-colored interior, it’s long past time to visit.  It helps that Mom offered to pay (possibly because the guru of keeping her car clean and neat was horrified at the state of mine).  Really, it does.

But wow, did those 15 year olds who work the car was hate me.  Oh yeah. They did.

They had to scrub very hard to get the remnants of my birthday car paint (the one that said HOTT Birthday Girl on my driver’s side window) off. You remember how long that’s been, right?

Yeah.

And we’ve already talked about the dust.  And, also, I live in an area where there were lots of falling debris from…well..fall.  And since who really vacuums out their car without washing it?  I mean…they vacuum it when I get the oil changed (yes, I do take care of the engine…I promise), but they only do the bare minimum.  I had accumulated debris from all of the leaves in four different states and the last vestiges of a beach trip that…well, let’s just say that vacuuming up that leftover sand will be good for the “onward, better brighter and more amazing carrie who deserves much more” 2008 agenda.

So, you can imagine…by the time they were done, they had cursed my name and wished me ill in many creative ways.

I tried to be adorable and nice…and let’s be honest, it’s not hard for me to be those things…but I’m not sure it completely made up for the fact that my car was a trash hole that they guaranteed to be a clean and neat beautiful vehicle worthy of songs of praise.

It was, by the end. I mean, it’s not perfect, but it’s a darn sight better than it was.

I’ll just add all of those curses on my name to the pile offered by my students.

Poor adorable car wash attendant. Didn’t know what hit him.

I think that happens a lot when people encounter me.

I LOVE that.

job? maybe?

Posted in etcetera, Life, me on January 2, 2008 by drbolte

so there was this one time–i can’t remember the exact circumstances–when someone said “you must be kin to job.”  i remember it was about a year and a half ago, and i remember vaguely that it was out and about somewhere. i’m pretty sure i was in a store or something and the salesman was feeling badly about making me wait.

he was telling me that i was patient.

i remember being entirely shocked that just minding my own business, being cool to wait and not being obnoxious, made me somehow worthy of comparison to job.

you all remember the story of job, right? nice guy. obeyed God.  got tested by Satan–got basically anything and everything thrown at him. lost everything. got boils.  even his wife started nagging at him to curse God and die.

but he didn’t. he was patient and endured well.

i would never describe myself as a patient person.  ever.  i don’t like things to not happen on my timetable. when i know something is coming–christmas, mail, a person, a date, a deadline–i don’t wait well.  i would say, though, that i am more like the little kid version of impatient–“are we there yet? are we there yet now? mom? now? can i have it now? can we get there now? when when when?”–than the foot-tapping, deep-sighing, eye-rolling kind of impatient.  that drives me insane, actually.

i got reminded of that job comment this week, and i was like “wow. i forgot about that.”

and now it’s got me thinking…maybe the fact that i am more excited than annoyed by the big things in life that i am waiting for, the fact that i am making the most out of the time that i have, and that i’m not actually just standing around waiting…

maybe i actually AM patient?

wow.  when did THAT happen?

i was watching evan almighty last night–silly movie, but any chance to watch steve carell be hilarious is okay by me–and morgan freeman, as God, said something profound. he said “when you pray for patience, do you think God just zaps you with patience? or do you think that he gives you opportunities to exercise patience? when you pray for courage, do you think just get courage, or do you get situations where you have to be courageous?”

so true.

so, maybe all of these years when i’ve said that i wasn’t a patient person and that i needed to learn how to be, Someone was listening.

for example, the fact that i have a christmas package that got mailed to Florida accidentally is about to drive me truly and utterly insane.

but i’ll deal with it.

because that’s what job would do, right?

nerd mecca

Posted in etcetera, Life, me, shopping, The Single Life on January 1, 2008 by drbolte

I went to the Apple store today, to get my MacBook optical drive looked at. It doesn’t like CDs.  I don’t like not being able to load my music onto my iTunes.

Let’s ignore the praise I could engage in about Apple, and about the Genius Bar, and about how even if you don’t think Macs are better (which is lame, btw) you can’t deny that their service is amazingly user-friendly.

Let’s just skip over that.

But still, when I walk into that store, I pretty much love every.single.guy who works there.

They’re all nerds–gaming nerds, music nerds, filmmaking nerds, computer nerds, nerds of whatever stripe–and I think they’re all adorable.  They’re all completely different looking too–so it’s not as if I’ve stumbled upon the holding area for my physical type.

Today the adorable Asian with a ponytail was as cute as the blonde guy with a scruffy goatee.  I am an equal opportunity fan.

It didn’t suck that I felt like several of them were checking me out today. That really didn’t suck at all.  I’m not sure if it actually happened or if I looked like I was ready to make a big purchase and so I was fiscally attractive to them or if I am still delusional from my new sassy haircut and color (it makes me think I am amazingly adorable), but it was nice.  I’m going to assume that it was just that I am that cute.

Walking into that store, though, clarified something that I’ve known for quite a while.

Hi, my name is Carrie, and I like nerds.

I especially like them when they work with Macs.

Sigh.

Happy New Year to me.  Can I have one for my very own?