Archive for January, 2008

this? this is my over the moon face.

Posted in blogging, books are bliss, Church, ghetto life, me, sports, teaching, TV and me are pals, you have to be a chick to understand on January 14, 2008 by drbolte

If you don’t know where that quote comes from, let me introduce you to something that will change your life forever.

I’m indulging in a little bit of Monday hodge-podge, friends.  Follow along at your own risk.  You may find your logic strangely set aside for my whimsical (really hate that word, actually) ramblings, and then where will you be?

…Walking by the redneck frat–I’m sorry. I don’t know what their real name is. Alpha Gamma Rho? Who cares? Alpha Gamma HELLO is more like it–was oh so very delicious this afternoon.  Boys barbecuing outside in the sunshiny slightly nippy Florida winter air? Yummy.  Boys wearing John Deere hats and blue jeans and steel toed boots? Yummy. Boys who only drive excessively large trucks? Yummy.  The fact that I STILL have a thing for boys in trucks (since high school…for real), who often come with a whole set of obnoxious redneck attitudes that drive the feminist in me NUTS? Not so very appetizing.  Also, that I used yummy a lot? Oy.

…Hallelujah, it’s not 85 degrees outside. I woke up excessively early this morning just because I had to turn off my fan I was that cold, even under my comforter.  Sigh.  Love it!  Of course, that combined with the fact that I had to take Advil PM last night to even manage a REM cycle means I woke up infinitely later than I had anticipated.  It was lovely, though.

…My week is shaping up to be ridiculously busy.  I am looking forward to that, actually.  It’s odd.

…I watched 3 minutes of “Rock of Love 2” last night and immediately recognized Megan.  I couldn’t place her. I racked my brains. I tried to log on to Vh1.com.  All of this took place in about 45 seconds. And then I realized…she’s from Beauty and the Geek!  This realization brought me two different conclusions: 1) I watch far, far too much reality TV if when I recognize someone off of another show I think that I know them in real life and 2) people have no real ambition if what they want to do with their lives is jump from one crazy reality show to another.

And, btw, if Bret Michaels would clean up his act and go to church, I’d date him.  Haha.

…I can’t decide if getting my hands on Twilight, this vampire teen romance saga, is worth the purchase price or if I should just wait until I can get it from the library or borrow it from someone.  If I’ll read it multiple times, it’s probably worth it.   It seems like such a completely frivolous expense, though.

…I had a dream yesterday afternoon, during the requisite Sunday afternoon nap, that I couldn’t turn on the light to save my life.  I mean, not literally to save my life, but you get my drift.  I wonder what that means. I haven’t had a really solid symbolic dream in ages.  I love them, and it’s usually how I dream.  People are rarely the people that they should be. My best friend once was played by John Stamos.  That was funny, since they look nothing whatsoever alike and have an age difference of about 20+ years.  I used to have an online dream dictionary bookmarked, but I haven’t had need for it in a while.  Maybe I need to dust that puppy off.

…I should be working on my class preparation. I’m already behind.  Sigh.

…What’s interesting to do with chicken?  I have some boneless chicken breasts and the spark of a desire for something different. I’m thinking I might try fried rice and lemon chicken.  That might be fun, yes? Ah, who knows. I’ll probably just slap some barbeque sauce on it and call it a day.

…I’m in such college football withdrawal that I am now watching parts of NFL playoff games.  I watched the Patriots, just with the fervent hope that they would finally be defeated.  I watched the end of the Chargers-Colts game yesterday because 1) Philip Rivers is from NC State and played there while I was there and I think he’s a phenomenal QB and 2) anytime a team can take out the SuperBowl champion from the AFC championship game, I’m happy.  But, really? When did this sports thing happen? I never used to be like this…it’s odd. But I quite like it.  The man who gets me will be a lucky guy…unless of course he doesn’t like sports.  And that DOES seem to be the kind I attract…sigh. That one gets a double sigh.

Have a lovely Monday, everyone. Six more days until we have to face another one!

Advertisements

you know you’re not a teenager when…

Posted in books are bliss, celebrities, TV and me are pals on January 13, 2008 by drbolte

…you’re willing to continue watching One Tree Hill not because of Chad Michael Murray’s rugged good looks (sorry…I know he’s pretty, but I can’t get over the fact that he’s such a skeez in real life) but because of the little kid who plays his 4 year old nephew. When the kid steals the show, either the show is not so good or I am a little bit baby crazy.

I think it may be a combination, but that kid is ADORABLE. I want four or five just like him. Precocious. Articulate. Blonde and spiky haired. Perhaps a shade fictional.

And, please, powers that be, can I please have a life that includes someone saying to me “Milan. Tomorrow. Smile.”?

Why thank you.

In other news, I was in the paper today. (You have to scroll down–I’m on the 2008 schedule of events.)

And while I certainly looked, I wasn’t even really that excited.

I don’t get out of bed for less than a paragraph, apparently.

Heh.

choosing my own adventures

Posted in etcetera, Life, me on January 13, 2008 by drbolte

there’s this commercial playing on MTV right now–i saw it several times today as i was watching both the tail end of a “made” marathon and the beginning of the antm marathon–encouraging people to get tested for HIV.  it features a serious of brightly colored blocks with text on them–saying things like what you download, what you wear, what you eat, who you flirt with, who your friends are, etc.–all with the intent of communicating how much we have control over.

i am struck by this commercial every single time i see it.

it’s really true–even in the midst of so much that we have no control over, we have so much power in choice.  and, ironically, the greatest manifest power in those choices can often be during those times when we feel powerless. when we feel that, despite the fact that things seem to be tough, that we’re slogging through the perpetual mud, that we’re going up the proverbial hill, that life has handed us the clichéd lemons, we will choose to be of good cheer, to have a perfect brightness of hope, to find a glimmer of gladness in what seems to be at best mediocrity or at worst a great deal of despair.

in those moments, even if they are few and far between, we confront the magnitude of who we really are or, better yet, who we can be.  we decide to fight, to move forward.

we choose and rechoose and choose again the path we want to be on.

it’s an exhausting exercise, this life of perpetual choices.   it would be so much easier if i could just make these decisions once–write it down, in detail, what i want and who i want to be and what i want to do and how i want to do it–and then let it all come to pass.

wouldn’t that just be lovely?

not really, i suppose.  we’d never have the option of course correction, never be able to experience the incredible mercy and bliss of do-overs, really never be able to track how much we’ve changed.  we’d never be able to change, really.

and as much as i fight it and as much as i sometimes bemoan it, i love change. i love that i get to change. i love how much i have changed.  i love that i continue to change and i love that all i want to do is continue to change until i have become what it is that i want to be.

the little details of which will likely change as i get closer to it.

confessions

Posted in blogging, etcetera, ghetto life, shameless blog thievery on January 10, 2008 by drbolte

many thanks to the wonderful bloggers who have done this (barbie and clink come to mind) and have given me the idea. i am in education, so we all know that the best stuff is the shamelessly stolen stuff.

i can’t stand silence, right now especially.  the TV is always on and the noise, while distracting, is welcome. i am tired of the well-worn paths in my mind.

i find inordinate pleasure from the fact that i will be wielding my drill once more this weekend.  i am also excited that the pictures that have been leaning up against my wall for nearly six months will be up.  they’re important to me. it’s going to be good.

also, i can’t wait to clean.  i feel the desperate need to achieve order in my universe, in any way possible.

i feel old in this college world that i’m living in, even though i am very young in many ways (a fact that i keep getting reminded of over and over again, even though i am not speaking that thought out loud much anymore).

i am REALLY giddily excited about the class that i am teaching.  the students seem genuinely excited to be there and to learn–and i feed off of their enthusiasm. it makes me think that maybe i can do this.  it counteracts my occasional pastry chef moments.

on the flip side, i am completely freaked out by the possibility (small as it may be) that i might not know what i’m doing.  i have to keep reminding myself that i know more than they do.  i actually think that kind of humility is the hallmark of a good teacher.  plus, it keeps me on my toes.

i met a completely new guy yesterday and was rather surprised by how quickly i liked him. there’s no real story there, but i think it restored a bit of my faith in my friendliness and the innate ability i have to connect with people.  plus, it didn’t suck that he was sort of adorable and seemed to not hate talking to me.

i think that i have decided that high heels and professional clothes make me feel sassy.  i’m not sure i’ll be able to keep this up for the entire semester–a skirt on a Thursday? WHAT?–but i sure like it for now.

i have decided that liquid courage for us Mormons is philosophy lip gloss.

i am so tired right now and have miles to go before i sleep–literally.

our apartment has a huge new TV–hand-me-down, of course–and i love it because i can watch it and see everything in minute detail without my glasses.

i miss cooking.   for some reason i don’t feel comfortable doing it in my new apartment.  bad for the thighs, that fact.

i don’t know what to think about the presidential elections.  i have a feeling that the people that i actually like from the two parties (i’m deeply independent, so i cover all of my bases) are going to drop out.  then where will i be? oh…yeah…choosing between hillary/barack and mike/john.  que sigh.

i have two goals that i want to achieve in the next ten months.  i think i can actually do it. and that scares me a little bit.

i made my own trail mix yesterday.  it was kind of fun.  i read about it in real simple online, and i was like “i can do that.” and i did it. take that, martha.

i came back to gainesville with a great deal of hope and excitement.  i feel like it’s been squelched by circumstance. i hate that.

i believe there is a time and a season for everything.  i believe that this is my time and season to not care much about anything other than what’s absolutely necessary for me to think about because it affects my world directly.  is that wrong? my roommate tells me a lot that i worry too much about stuff.  i think it’s what makes my heart beat as big as it does, so i don’t want to lose that, but i wonder if it’s sometimes too big for my own good.

i really want to play guitar hero someday soon, but i really don’t want to suck at it.

i am proud of myself for the way that i handled the drama earlier in the week. i think that’s the first time i’ve said that out loud.  i’m actually quite proud of myself for the way i have handled the whole thing. it wasn’t flawless. i wasn’t perfect. but darnit if i didn’t try awfully hard to be a mature adult about the whole thing.  i think i achieved that.

i don’t tell myself enough that i do things well.

i am blogging this instead of planning for my class in four hours.  that’s arrogance right there.  but it’s my specialty…so i guess i think i can do it?  that’ll be the last time, i believe.

i need a better blowdryer.  my mom’s rocked and made my hair bouncy and shiny. mine?  not so much. or maybe it’s the water. who knows.  either way…something’s gotta give.

i still haven’t replaced my bed frame that was lost in the move. the box springs are still sitting on the floor and i think i like it better now.  i have no idea why.

i really love blogging, even though i feel completely inept at it most days. and i really love comments.  i’ll admit that when i don’t get very many…i wonder if anyone’s reading. but considering i’m a lurker most days myself–and never feel that i have anything substantive to say–i understand.  that said, thank you to all of you who read and find some kind of merit in what i write.  and many thanks for the comments that you do leave–they mean more to me than you know.

funk

Posted in Church, drama drama drama, friends, ghetto life, Life, me, yet another reason why i don't understand men, you have to be a chick to understand on January 9, 2008 by drbolte

I’m still in a funk.

I still don’t know why.  I’m beginning to wonder if I am getting sick or if I’m still tired or if I’m just overwhelmed at being back.  Adulthood and responsibility, after almost a month of basically none, is for the birds.  I’m wondering if my expectations were far too high. I’m wondering if these challenges of insecurity and discouragement are meant to take my eye off the prize–the two goals that I came back to attack. I was all ready to do them. I had confidence that I could slay those two beasts.

Now I’m having trouble thinking about anything other than the things that I don’t want to think about at all.

I’m a little pissed off that I had to deal with the drama right when I got back.  I guess I’m glad that I could do what I was supposed to do–and, yeah, I was supposed to talk to that person and that person was supposed to recognize responsibility and take some measure of accountability, of that I am certain–but I’m not happy about how it opened the door again to something that I was so much happier not to have in my life.  Now I’m wondering how to close the door again.  I’m wondering why it is that I have to keep closing this door.

What am I supposed to be learning?  Whatever it is…it’s exhausting.

I’m a little ticked off that I am mad at the person I shouldn’t be mad at.  It doesn’t make any sense.  I really don’t like being upset at this person and it makes me feel all out of sorts.  Truly. That’s the best way that I can describe it–I’m completely out of sorts.  Being upset at this person makes me feel like I’m betraying them in some way–isn’t that weird? I should be completely grateful and feel closer and more connected…and all I am is…angry and detached.  Of course, if you are angry, you are not at all detached.

That’s probably the problem.

I was thinking about this last night, and I realized that it felt like well-timed waves of challenge that are hitting me.  Just when I get clear, when I find my footing again, when I feel like things are going well and I’m completely happy, something else hits me.   Something that requires a great deal of strength, of discernment, of spiritual understanding.  Something that just requires a great deal of thought and pondering–or something that at least elicits a lot of that from me. I have been caught up in my head a lot lately.

I guess that’s life, right?  And I was oddly grateful for that fact when I realized it.  If I wasn’t being hit with all of these challenges, I wouldn’t be growing and progressing as much as I hope that I am.

I don’t know.

I’m just tired.  So tired.

wrong side of the bed

Posted in drama drama drama, etcetera, friends, me, The Single Life, you have to be a chick to understand on January 8, 2008 by drbolte

I woke up today in a bad mood.

Things got better. I thought maybe it was because I didn’t get enough sleep or whatever. Could have been.

But I actually think I’m angry. At someone that I shouldn’t be angry with because…well…there’s no reason. None at all. In fact, quite the opposite.

(So not at all related to the post yesterday.  That, by the way, has been sort of resolved.)

It’s no fun if you aren’t justified in the anger, you know?

All that ends up happening is that I feel like a putz and have to work through it myself and be magnanimous and all sorts of the bigger person and blah blah blah.

And that just ticks me off more.

frickin’ brackin’…are you just kidding me right now?

Posted in drama drama drama, etcetera, Life, me, The Single Life, yet another reason why i don't understand men, you have to be a chick to understand on January 6, 2008 by drbolte

(Many thanks to Brillig for letting me steal her phrase…and by letting, I mean I lifted it and hope she won’t hate me.) 

The playlist has switched. Not listening to “Stronger” by Kanye anymore; no real need for the personal connection to my Good Charlotte ringtone.   Totally moved on.  No more anger.  No more feeling like anything was my fault (because, good heavens, would I be a woman if I didn’t try to make everything my responsibility and, therefore, within my reach to fix?).  No more even wanting anything back.

It was all where I wanted it to be–misty watercolored memories (sorry…nothing else really works) with the tiniest dash of melancholy but mainly just a really healthy detachment with gratitude for the experience attached.   Closed chapter.  Done and done.  All ready for the new year.

All ready to kick the flirtatiousness into high gear and get focused on what matters most to me.

And, let me tell you, it ain’t this old song.

Nevertheless, after a fairly awesome day yesterday (and…yeah…can’t explain how awesome), life just presents it back on my plate today–same song, different verse. It’s as if I’m just going to have to keep choosing to not want this, in its various incarnations, over and over again.

Or, maybe, it’s deeper than that. Maybe the exercise is really in choosing myself.  Choosing to stay in control.  Choosing to be very deliberate about who I trust and realize that I have the absolute right to feel that way.  Choosing to believe that, if I feel that I was not treated well, I don’t have any obligation to do any more than what I want to do and what is best for me.

And that I am the only one who knows what that is.

Because, see, the dialogue in my head goes a little something like this:

Sanity: Stay away. Look how HAPPY you are right now.  Why is that? It’s because you’ve MOVED ON. Don’t let anyone take that away.  The only reason this is happening is because some people always want things on their terms.

Insanity: But…friendship is a good thing. I’m supposed to be friends with everyone, right?  I can be in control here.  Friends on my own terms.

Sanity: Nothing’s different.  You don’t trust this person.  Nothing about this is good.

Insanity: Meh.  Shut up.  I’m tough.

Sanity: Yeah…okay.  Heard that song before.

(…and scene.)

So, yeah.

The weird part?  The harder choice is to choose myself.  The hardest thing is to stand my ground.  It’s not that I care what anyone thinks or that I’m afraid it will turn out to be a bad choice–because I know it won’t.  It’s that it’s a test to see what I really think about myself.

Am I good enough to be treated well? Or am I someone’s beck and call girl?

Does someone have to earn my friendship, because it’s worth that much?  Or do I just give it away like a free sample of something that can’t be offloaded in stores?

I think I know what I want to do.

Do I have the courage to do it?

That seems the real question that needs answering.