aftermath.

well, i guess it’s good that all this news came on a week when i was PMSing already, huh? hey everybody! you get double the mood swings, but for half the time.

i’d take it if i were them. seems like a deal.

it’s strange how you don’t even really realize what’s going on with you until you realize that the stupid things are sending you over the edge.

you yell at your roommate for wanting to wear a belt to blockbuster. i know. don’t ask.

you nearly cry when you realize that your roommate’s dog peed in your laundry hamper. it wasn’t the end of the world. it was contained and it all came out. wash it twice. it’s all fine. but still? a few waterworks.

you fret deeply about whether or not someone who should be of no consequence whatsoever, with whom you have a rather rocky past and who you really don’t trust/shouldn’t interact with anyways, is mad at you for making the right decision for yourself that might have possibly brought some inconvenience/disappointment to him.

i’ve decided that my filter is off. you know the filter. the one that allows you to think before you speak, to make those split second judgments of “wow, that would be a terribly mean thing to say” or “i should really be kind to her…she’s had a long, long day”. the ones that keep you in civilized society and out of the whole “socially awkward” realm of existence.

it’ll come back.

in the meantime, i’m thinking that staying away from people is probably best for a while. chillin’ in my room. doing some laundry. grading some papers. watching some dvds on the computer. maybe getting some reading done too.

i feel like a baby a little bit. it’s not like it’s happening to ME. it’s not like i’m sick or having to have surgery or having to do radiation or anything like that. it’s not like i’m even that scared, really. i’m not. i mean, i am scared for the road that mom has to travel, but not where that road will end up. i don’t know if that makes any sense.

i don’t really think I make any sense right now anyways, so perhaps i’ll leave you with the following things that have brought me great joy in the past few days:

  • the movie martian child with john cusack. i’m already a cusack family fan, but this movie is seriously splendid.
  • how much i actually DIDN’T hate becoming jane, even though their factual footing was seriously flawed. i didn’t spend the whole time, jane austen scholar that i am, yelling at the screen. anne hathaway was lovely. james mcavoy was beautiful. it was gorgeous.
  • the multiflavored twizzlers? with the different colors? YUM. and you don’t feel guilty about eating twizzlers like you do about eating chocolate, so it’s double the pleasure, double the fun!
  • talking to a friend for ages and ages over IM about our mutual idiosyncratic psychoses. it’s been good times. she helped me write the email telling my best friend about mom. i didn’t want it to be all “woe is me…worry! worry! worry! even though you’re 10,000 miles away and can’t do anything or even call me to check up on me, please freak out and get distracted from what you’re there to do” so…she was my editor. she has kept me a little more (read: a lot more) sane than i would normally have been. she’s amazing.
  • my AMAZING idea to make little envelopes for every single day during mom’s radiation that she can open before or after she goes. it’ll be like an advent calendar…but with no ornaments and instead little quotes or sayings or comic strips. it’ll be good. i’ve been having some luck with finding scriptures, but if you have any good quotes or funny things that you think might be good, let me know!
  • my faith. i would be moorless and anchorless without it. i know where i come from, where i’m going, and who’s on my team. i know the power of prayer, the power of fasting, the power of hope. i know Heavenly Father is on my team always, so i’m happy to know that i can call on Him anytime.
  • that my students are just the coolest in the entire world. when i am crazy in class, they just roll with it. i am completely myself and they seem to really enjoy it. and i get such a rush from standing up there and realizing that i sound really, really smart–and i’m not even trying to. YAY for my dream job. YAY for looking forward to everything related to that experience. YAY for realizing that i will, in fact, rock at my career.

well, i’m off to put some semblance of order into my disordered universe. meaning, i’m going to try to clean. we’ll see how well THAT turns out.

thanks for the prayers. thanks to you who read (so many of you who I don’t know) who have sent up a good thought for my mom. it’s a kindness that i can never repay, but please know that i am grateful and that they matter to my family. probably much more than you even know. many more thanks to those of you who live in my real world who have been amazing to me with your offers of help and your support–you know who you are–and who have helped me remember that i should just be myself (NOT the crazy pink ribbon queen!) and deal with it the best way that i know how and who help me by just being you.

it helps more than you know, even when you don’t say anything at all. really.

2 Responses to “aftermath.”

  1. missfeebee Says:

    Hello again. My prayers are with you and your family. If I think of a good quote or joke, I will be sure to let you know. Be well. 🙂

  2. sorry about asher. :o( if it helps, I’ve cried over so many things related to that dog that I seriously think that it would be better not to have a dog. then he shoves his back under my hanging hand and I want to make him leave but instead I love him.

    also, for some reason, I read “I feel like a baby” as “I feel like [I’m] having a baby” and was like…I don’t get it. And I kept rereading it and for some reason by brain would not work. Probably because it’s 5:30 and I’m just starting to get tired. My brain is way out of funk.

    “Right now, you and me here, put together entirely from atoms, sitting on this round rock with a core of liquid iron held down by this force of this trouble you call gravity, all the while spinning around the sun at 67 thousand miles an hour and whizzing through the Milky Way at 600 thousand miles an hour.. in a universe that very well may be chasing its own tail at the speed of light.. and amidst all this frantic activity, fully cognizant of our own imminent demise-which is a very pretty way of saying we all know we’re going to die-we reach out, to one another, sometimes for the sake of vanity, sometimes for reasons you’re not old enough to understand yet, ..but a lot of the time we just reach out .. and expect nothing in return. Isn’t that strange? Isn’t that weird? .. Isn’t that weird enough?”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: