apathy.

i can’t believe how completely i don’t care about much of anything in florida right now.

short-timers disease, i suppose, since i’m out of here on thursday to go home for the surgery and then i come back for four more days and then i’m home again for spring break.

case in point.

my hair was pulled back into a not-great-looking ponytail, with not a smidge of makeup on my face, in my baggiest jeans and a t-shirt that occasionally serves as a pajama top, and people came over to our house.

and i didn’t care.

i still don’t.  i mean, the most i could achieve was chewing some gum to get rid of the sundried tomato and basil wheat thin breath that i may have had.  didn’t even brush my teeth.

didn’t care.

i had 250 pages of charles dickens to read. instead, i found everything and anything to do instead.  nothing remotely productive, except that i ran some errands that i have been putting off for a week.  that was good, i suppose.  i got home from that, ate a little lunch, then took a nap.

and i had a creepily realistic dream about inviting someone somewhere and then, when i woke up, i found that that exact person had text messaged me a question about that place.

that’s been happening more and more–oddly realistic dreams that make me wonder if i was actually dreaming or that actually happened. that’s unusual for me.  really unusual.  when my dreams change, it’s usually a good indication that something’s going on with me.

that could also be demonstrated by my obsessive love of sugar lately.  in fact, it’s 11:00 and i might go eat a pop-tart.  ridiculous.

but i digress.

i just don’t really care about anything right here and right now. is that wrong?

i’m tired, burnt-out (for no good reason), and possibly going a little bit crazy. the reason for all of this seems obvious, but i don’t feel like it’s really affected me that much. but i rarely know what’s affecting me until a while later.  weird, i think, but true for how i work.

so i’m basically just trying to bide my time until thursday.   tomorrow will be fun because it’s tuesdays, and tuesdays are basically my favorite days.

i have to wake up earlyish and finish my reading–got about 110 pages left, although i might knock out a few more before i go to sleep uncharacteristically early (yeah…which means sometime before 3). but i don’t have to be anywhere until class at 3, so that’s totally doable.

and i’ll wear a t-shirt and flip-flops to class tomorrow. and i don’t care. professionalism? whatever.  that might actually make it BETTER. it’ll be an experiment. we’ll see how it goes.

i may or may not get much of anything done tomorrow night, although if i could clean this room, that would be amazing since it is a pithole of death right now and it’s making me slowly crazy.

or maybe i won’t.  who knows. i guess it depends on how much i hate my life with cramps.  cramps too? lucky carrie!

yeah, even this post is lame.

i hope you’re not offended or surprised when i tell you…i don’t really care.

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2 Responses to “apathy.”

  1. missfeebee Says:

    I’m sorry you seem to be feeling in a “funk”. Understandable, though. You have alot going on right now. You may not think it’s affecting you….but stress can be mean. Your mom is so important to you that all she’s dealing with is, in fact, affecting you. Take care of yourself and wish your mom well for me! 🙂

  2. I’m not surprised or offended 🙂

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