Archive for March, 2008

the mondays.

Posted in drama drama drama, etcetera, faith is action, grrrrr., Life, my amazing mother, you want me to walk HOW far? on March 31, 2008 by drbolte

got up at 7 to work out.

didn’t get through my entire three miles because 1) i accidentally pulled out the emergency cord thing that stops the treadmill and it deleted my workout stats and 2) i was more concerned about getting ANOTHER parking ticket as it headed towards 8 than i was walking the last quarter of a mile.

lesson? BE there at 7, don’t just leave the house at 7.

came home afterwards, ate a poptart, and fell into bed again.

didn’t wake up for LIKE THREE AND A HALF HOURS.

sigh. so much for getting work done, since it’s 1:53 and i’m just now starting, if by starting you mean blogging in frustration instead of actually getting stuff done.

lesson? don’t go back to sleep. alarms don’t work. and getting five hours of sleep doesn’t get it done, apparently.

sigh.

welcome to monday.

UPDATE:

and monday continues…for everyone, it seems.

mom has to have more surgery. apparently those margins we thought were clean weren’t quite so clean after all. more details after tomorrow’s pow-wow with the surgeon, but it looks like, if we can make it happen, friday will be another surgery day.

i grow weary of surgeries. i can’t imagine how mom feels.

plus, this junk is just scary.

plus, i am worried about my car and money because gas is insane and life in general like how the heck am i going to get everything done?  how will i manage when i have to keep getting someone to cover my shifts at work?  i mean, at some point, isn’t my boss going to be like “uhm, you actually have to WORK here”?

i just worry.

lesson?  have more faith.  and invent teleportation.

someone i saw on saturday and hugged has strep.

i cannot explain how worrisome this is to me.

i feel good. i feel fine.  i cannot be sick.

my most fervent prayer is that i will be healthy, because i can be of no use to anyone if i am not.  i guess i’ll be hitting the bed early and the vitamins completely.

lesson? i can stress out about EVERYTHING right now. and i’m scared.  just in general.

i just want to cry.  maybe i will for a little while, just to get it out.

and then i’ll move on, i guess, and try to be as productive as possible so that when friday comes, if i’m on the road at 5 a.m. to go to NC just to turn around and come back on monday, i’ll be ready.

because that’s what we do, right?

(when does it end?   i’m pretty sure the answer to that is when life does.  because life is like this sometimes. and we get through it.  that’s the most comforting thing i can think of right now.)

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cardio success story 1.

Posted in disney princesses got nothin' on me, mirror mirror on the wall, you have to be a chick to understand, you want me to walk HOW far? on March 30, 2008 by drbolte

went dancing tonight.

totally held my own for hours, really dancing, with no real “oh my sweet heck i’m dying of heat/sweat/myocardial infarction”.

instead, it was just way wicked fun.

next step? learning to salsa for real.  i’m gonna do it and it’s going to be amazing.

yay!

(also…i think i might be a little hott. maybe just a little?)

because friday is meant to be a deep thinking trip down memory lane, don’tcha know?

Posted in blogging, books are bliss, dissertation, facebook is the new crack, flashback friday, i'm so much cooler online, Life, School on March 28, 2008 by drbolte

i wrote a post a while back–six months maybe?–about puzzle pieces and how you sort of find them when you’re not looking. it’s not my best post, but meandering through it again left me wondering:

what do you do when you think you’ve found the pieces…but you’re just scared to put them all together for fear that they won’t fit?

i’m just all about the questions lately, aren’t i?

this is my favorite post.

i wrote it when i was guest hosting at megan’s bloggy home (the Velveteen Mind…it’s back! i’m so happy!) many moons ago. strangely…it’s exactly how i feel today. so i’m scamming an excerpt of it (i wrote it! i can do that!) and i’m linking you back to it.

So, see, my life revolves around how well I use my words.

Except when I don’t, because sometimes I won’t.

(Except, apparently, when I’m channeling Dr. Seuss.)

Being invited to guest blog coincided with a dissertation crisis of confidence–all about my words and ideas failing me. Do I actually have anything to say that matters at all? What does it all mean, if it doesn’t really matter to someone, somewhere, even a little bit? Can I move beyond the mundane, the transitory, the ridiculous?

Can I make myself the master of words?

It’s the challenge that faces me now, every day, as I sit staring blankly at multiple screens–my blog, my dissertation chapter, my Facebook, my emails, my life that waits to be written. It sounds cheesy and lame and, well, it probably is. But it’s also true.

Can I, silly Carrie with an unnatural affection for vanilla-scented candles and a heart too big, truly be a master of words?

i still wonder. i really do.

existential question of the day.

Posted in i hate vegetables on March 27, 2008 by drbolte

if a deliciously wonderful lemon scone comes into your possession, through the kindness of a friend and in a plain brown paper bag, do you have to count it as actually having calories?

the graffiti may be misspelled, but otherwise, it’s a pretty nice place.

Posted in books are bliss, dissertation, drama drama drama, faith is action, i hate vegetables, i'm so much cooler online, life lesson number 498, mirror mirror on the wall, perfect brightness of hope, roommates, School, you have to be a chick to understand, you want me to walk HOW far? on March 26, 2008 by drbolte

apparently, closure is a journey, not a destination. i think i only know that the journey has ended, to some degree, when i realize that i have stopped thinking about wanting/needing/wishing for it. when the sword of the situation ceases to feel like it’s hanging over my head and instead has just become another tool in my arsenal of life lessons.

it’s a interesting realization, actually, one that made itself really clear after an unexpected experience that can only be described as the result of divine intervention. it was so perfect and necessary and amazing…it could only be the result of Someone who can orchestrate things that are so perfectly tailored for my needs.

that’s certainly not me.

life lessons are all about the struggle. i think this is sort of an obvious assertion, but i’m really learning lessons from the struggles in my life right now. my frustration, for example, with lots of things over the past week has been revelatory in some ways to me. i’ve felt damned in some way–stymied, stopped, stuck. nothing that i wanted to do was happening. progress happened (if it happened at all) amid a desire percolating with ambition. i didn’t stop working. i didn’t stop trying. i just kept putting one foot in front of the other, with the faith and hope that that struggle, that effort, will pay off.

in some ways, i’m still waiting.

but i’m beginning to honor the struggle and the fight. this fact’s literalized by my new habit of working out.

(i know you’re tired of hearing about this, for which i suppose i should apologize. when i say that this new habit is so absolutely and fundamentally foreign to me that it forces me to write about it just to deal with the fact that it’s quickly becoming a part of who i am…i hope that helps. there’s a whole post brewing about that…but that’s another day.)

i was on the treadmill today (back on the workout wagon with only two days off after the spurt of death-feeling! amazing!) and it was a 4 mile moderate training day (which translates into either something like walking at 3.5 mph or going at an incline or doing both, if you’re a superstar like my roommate). towards the end of the hour, crazy sweaty and feeling like i wasn’t sure if i could finish this, there was only a moment that i considered stopping.

a split second.

and then it was more like “how do i get through this?” rather than “how do i get out of this?” the struggle, for me, becomes the benefit. getting through it, figuring a way THROUGH it rather than getting saved FROM it, is what is reaping so many benefits for me.

i’m usually looking for the light at the end of the tunnel.

right now, i’m enjoying the view inside.

it’s a really weird thing. i kind of like it.

things i probably shouldn’t have done today.

Posted in faith is action, ghetto life, teaching, TV and me are pals, wish i may wish i might on March 24, 2008 by drbolte

…watched the end of Friday Night Lights, which featured this speech by the amazing Billy Bob Thornton:

Now, ya’ll have known me for awhile, and for a long time now you’ve been hearin’ me talk about being perfect.

Well I want you to understand somethin’. To me, being perfect is not about that scoreboard out there. It’s not about winning. It’s about you and your relationship to yourself and your family and your friends.

Being perfect is about being able to look your friends in the eye and know that you didn’t let them down, because you told them the truth. And that truth is that you did everything that you could. There wasn’t one more thing that you could’ve done.

Can you live in that moment, as best you can, with clear eyes and love in your heart? With joy in your heart?

If you can do that gentlemen, then you’re perfect.

I want you to take a moment. And I want you to look each other in the eyes. I want you to put each other in your hearts forever, because forever’s about to happen here in just a few minutes.

i cried. that definition of perfect? i’d like to achieve it.

then a dislocated shoulder and more heart than anyone EVER and they LOST but they were perfect? i cried. i really and truly did. i always do.

…watched A Wedding Story and A Baby Story. i cried.

(are you seeing a pattern?)

…turned off my alarm rather than go to the gym this morning because i didn’t get enough sleep and didn’t feel especially great and just didn’t want to in general. i feel badly about that…and then again, i don’t. i’ll pick it up again tomorrow and i’ll go as much as i can. maybe i need to just be chill about this whole thing.

i didn’t cry. i more wanted to kick myself.

…weighed myself. no movement. AT ALL. again, the frustration. i’m sure the frustration contributes to my meh attitude, although i will say that i am sleeping better than i have been in MONTHS (remember my fairly constant struggle with insomnia?) and i am ridiculously flexible.

just shook my head. i don’t get it.

…laid on my bed for two hours after i got up. i’m cold. i’m still here. i have to grade. i HAVE to. i just don’t know how i am going to. i was thinking of the things that i would rather do than grade these papers, which i started on friday and nearly made me lose the will to live.

(and there are SO many of them. SO many.)

i legitimately asked myself if i would rather eat glass than grade these papers. the answer is, of course, no, but…i had to think about it for longer than i’d like. i would, i think, eat non-toxic glue if someone promised me i wouldn’t have to grade. or cottage cheese (which, in my mind, are on par with each other).

sigh.

…started watching “Greek” on ABC Family. Dang college shows with their stupidly adorable boys. Bah.

…gone to FHE at all. i felt like junk. i was already in my pajamas (and had been all day) but i got up and took a shower and put on some workout pants and a long-sleeved t-shirt and some fluffy socks to make myself feel better. i pulled my hair back and i let it go a little naturally curly.

did i look great? no. not by any stretch. but i was clean and i was present.

and then one of the FHE guys comes in and is like (mind you, this takes place in MY LIVING ROOM) ‘gosh, carrie, why are you so dressed up?’

at that point, i gave up. i told my roommate the only reason i was there was because she asked me to do the lesson and i didn’t want to slack.  she said that, if i didn’t want to be there, they would just figure it out.

so i went in my room…and cried.  this time, i called my mom.  she told me to give myself permission to just go to bed and stop yelling at myself for not getting done what i had anticipated getting done today and instead congratulate myself for getting done what i DID get done with what i had to give today, which was basically nothing.

i am officially giving up.  going to bed. hoping that tomorrow will be better. it has to be, right?

 

 

afraid to just believe.

Posted in blogging, disney princesses got nothin' on me, etcetera, friends, i hate vegetables, i love youtube--so sue me, mirror mirror on the wall, you have to be a chick to understand, you want me to walk HOW far? on March 24, 2008 by drbolte

inevitably, the days that you determine, fiercely and with implied accountability associated with it, not to blog are the days that stuff keeps happening that seems blogworthy.

(i thought about cheating a little bit, and coming on here to blog it so that i didn’t forget, but that seemed to just completely negate the whole purpose of the anti-blog/anti-facebook mentality, so i resisted. be impressed. i was.)

of course, that means that i can’t remember at all what it was that i wanted to blog.

funny, that.

the inevitable conclusion of this fact? the things that i would have blogged must have been the chinese-food-equivalent of blog topics–they seem great, scrumptious, and satisfying at the time, but they are gone too soon and it feels like you never really had them at all.

(that metaphor seemed a lot better in my head than it ended up here. yeah.)

i have awards to give…get excited.

most random and surprising talent: this one goes to hot dogs. wait for it. so, i left the grocery store without buying hot dog buns, so i decided to slice the hot dogs up and fry them ala sausage or kielbasa, like my mom used to. i can’t say that i’ve ever done this with hot dogs before, but it made sense to me. so, i’m minding my own business, getting the rest of the stuff ready as the hot dogs are cooking and as the pan gets hotter and hotter, i start seeing something moving in the pan out of my corner of my eye.

they were FLIPPING THEMSELVES OVER! i swear. the little pieces of hot dogs, as they were cooking, were flipping over. i’m assuming it has something to do with the water content of the pieces?

definitely the coolest thing i’ve ever seen in the kitchen. it’s the ultimate lazy person food preparation bonanza.

“i know you think you’re cool, but you’re really not” condolences: i will say that, for the most part, my experiences at the gym on campus have been really good. people are there for one purpose–to exercise–and they come for that purpose. i appreciate that. i don’t try to look cute for the gym. what’s the point when i leave looking like someone dunked my whole head in hot water? yeah, that’s what i thought.

but i noticed, as i went to the gym on friday afternoon and saturday morning, that a…different…crowd was populating the cardio room. these were the people, it seemed, who were maybe a little bit more impressed with impressing others. i’ll just say that i am not really impressed with someone who spends the 15 to 20 minutes she’s on the stairmaster on the cell phone.

(now, i’m going to say…in all honesty…that i was probably jealous. at that point, i had been on the treadmill for like an hour and, while not yet dying, probably couldn’t imagine a day when i could be on the stairmaster for any bit of time without my lungs wanting to forceably remove themselves from my body. full disclosure.)

nevertheless, really? you can’t let it go to voicemail? it’s just obnoxious. it really is. and how can you even HEAR over the treadmills, stairmasters, ellipticals, rowing machines, et. al?

i just don’t get it.

funnest easter activity EVER: peep wars. go read about it here.

my training song–in more ways than one:

(best lyric: “i just watched his wildest dreams come true…not one of them involving you.” checkmate. one of these days, i’ll be that cool.)

the best reason to look forward to memorial day weekend:

when that music began to swell in the theatre, i literally got giddy. and, oh dear…shia.

i’m SO excited.

the “they chose clumsy over THIS to release as a single?”:

(don’t bother to watch the video…just listen…and pay attention to the lyrics.)

the most amazing song that i’ve heard in a good long time. i’m rather ashamed that it’s by fergie. oh well. what are you going to do?

well, there you go. more to say, but i don’t know how to say it and it’s 1:11 a.m. and i have to be up in 5 and a half hours and yeah.

happy monday, all.