inventory.

point 1:

26,973 conferences with students left. they’re actually not as bad as i thought they would be, possibly because students actually have done what i asked them to do (for the most part) and come prepared with questions and at least part of a draft. maybe it’s also because i am feeling fairly forgiving, during this midterm week, of those who aren’t as prepared as others. who knows?

and as i’m sitting here, blogging inbetween most of my appointments, i realized that i am literally like a doctor. (i know…you’re like DUH. a literature professor is a doctor. we get it. don’t beat that dead horse.) no, i mean a medical doctor. i was listening to one of my students talk about her paper, and about the trouble that she was having with it, and i realized…i am diagnosing writing diseases, writing ailments, that infect the whole composition and then prescribing remedies.

i am a doctor! hooray for me!

point 2:

hunger but the appearance of a sparse cabinet. i haven’t any idea whatsoever what to eat. this is not a “i should eat healthy–what am i going to eat?” situation. i was considering eating deep fried wontons stuffed with cream cheese yesterday. i don’t care at all right now. yet, i am poor enough to not consider eating out every day until saturday, when i go back home to chill with mom, but i am lazy enough/internally stressed enough that i don’t want to try to be creative in my “what can i whip up out of macaroni and a package of hot chocolate” delusions of grandeur. it’s not really that bad, but with three people’s food everywhere, i honestly forget sometimes what i have and what i don’t have. i fear this may mean eating…well…not well for this week, which is i think exactly the opposite of what i need to be doing.

point 3:

one lesson plan to do. that one i think will be cake. oh dear. did i just really say that? oh bleak house, how i love thee. how bleak house, how i wish that you were written by a woman writer so i could include you in my dissertation since i just got a brilliant idea yesterday while sitting in class. oh bleak house, how you mock me with your 1000 pages and yet make me feel so very accomplished to have not only read you twice but taught you successfully once. now to wrap you up in a tidy package that engages issues of victorian crisis of confidence. that’s the task, you see. it’s so easy to just talk about the crazy characters for weeks. now? now i must make meaning out of it! it’s a task that makes me think of the lady in the water kid who reads cereal boxes. you know, it’s important, but it’s a little bit ridiculous at times too.

i am almost a doctor. yay for me. sigh.

point 4:

how i feel. i can’t describe it. i tried for my mom who, poor soul, is actually worried about ME rather than herself (i think that she would find some reason to be worried about me, because it keeps her thinking about things other than herself and i TOTALLY understand that, but i was legitimately so tired and worn out and stressed out this weekend that i understand why she would be…i was a little bit worried about me myself). the best i could do was to describe it as when there are so many things going on and you can’t quite get a handle on any of them–there’s just too much. so, instead, you sort of disengage and proceed on, feeling a little like a disembodied head floating around. that’s how i feel. it’s WEIRD, i don’t like it, and i don’t know why it is. my mind is working, working, working all of the time…but on what? it’s not as if i’ve achieved anything. instead, i feel like things are slipping through the cracks (although i actually am on top of most everything, thanks to the power of prayer and the Spirit bringing all things to my remembrance). i feel disconnected to most things that, i guess, seem unimportant to me. but i also feel TOO connected to things that are completely unimportant–twizzlers, stupid people and their stupid lives, sleeping too much, TV. i guess i feel pretty much like i’m running on empty and i’m doing whatever it is that i need to do, whatever occurs to me, to make the engine keep going just a little bit longer.

and i’m taking airborne, on the off chance that this “running on empty” feeling actually is, in fact, me running on immune-system empty.

point 5:

is it friday yet?!? please? pretty please?
point 6:

the people on facebook sort of scare me. i mean, i’m on facebook. i love facebook most days. i have something like 4300+ wall posts in the two years that i’ve been on there (yeah…i’m sickly proud). but now everybody’s on it (oh…days when it was only the college students, where art thou?) and there are five million applications and people use it as a therapy mechanism. listen. i have a blog. i love my blog. i speak honestly on my blog, but i understand that a) i am not really as anonymous on here as i think since people that i know and love read it and 2) it’s nevertheless completely separate from my real life and i’m not forcing anybody to read it, so i can say what i want and whine if i need to.

sometimes…people on facebook forget that i know them. i know what they’re talking about. and if they want to, say, be 12 year old girls about stuff and fight with their friends via their status updates i will, in fact, think that they are being 12 year old girls when they are…not. or if you post that picture that makes you look crazy, i’m going to think you’re crazy. or if you post albums full of you taking pictures of yourself (hey…i’ve done it…glorious photobooth inauguration), i’m going to think you’re really that bored or vain. facebook sucks you in, makes you think that you have a supportive community when, really, what you have is essentially a room full of people trying to look good themselves and thinking about/talking to themselves and their friends and their inside plans/jokes. so…please stop whining in your status updates. i’m working hard not to do it myself because, honestly, nobody really needs to hear it. or, if you’re going to whine, please at least do it creatively, okay?

point 7:

how cool is it when you get a dissertation idea from talking about a passage of poetry with a student? SO cool.

how much does it suck that it’s out of my period and i’ll have to put it in my epilogue? SO much.

how awesome is it that i even GOT an idea for my dissertation? SO awesome.

how many questions can i write in this way? SO many.

how much do you wish this post was over?

yeah, me too.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: