things i probably shouldn’t have done today.

…watched the end of Friday Night Lights, which featured this speech by the amazing Billy Bob Thornton:

Now, ya’ll have known me for awhile, and for a long time now you’ve been hearin’ me talk about being perfect.

Well I want you to understand somethin’. To me, being perfect is not about that scoreboard out there. It’s not about winning. It’s about you and your relationship to yourself and your family and your friends.

Being perfect is about being able to look your friends in the eye and know that you didn’t let them down, because you told them the truth. And that truth is that you did everything that you could. There wasn’t one more thing that you could’ve done.

Can you live in that moment, as best you can, with clear eyes and love in your heart? With joy in your heart?

If you can do that gentlemen, then you’re perfect.

I want you to take a moment. And I want you to look each other in the eyes. I want you to put each other in your hearts forever, because forever’s about to happen here in just a few minutes.

i cried. that definition of perfect? i’d like to achieve it.

then a dislocated shoulder and more heart than anyone EVER and they LOST but they were perfect? i cried. i really and truly did. i always do.

…watched A Wedding Story and A Baby Story. i cried.

(are you seeing a pattern?)

…turned off my alarm rather than go to the gym this morning because i didn’t get enough sleep and didn’t feel especially great and just didn’t want to in general. i feel badly about that…and then again, i don’t. i’ll pick it up again tomorrow and i’ll go as much as i can. maybe i need to just be chill about this whole thing.

i didn’t cry. i more wanted to kick myself.

…weighed myself. no movement. AT ALL. again, the frustration. i’m sure the frustration contributes to my meh attitude, although i will say that i am sleeping better than i have been in MONTHS (remember my fairly constant struggle with insomnia?) and i am ridiculously flexible.

just shook my head. i don’t get it.

…laid on my bed for two hours after i got up. i’m cold. i’m still here. i have to grade. i HAVE to. i just don’t know how i am going to. i was thinking of the things that i would rather do than grade these papers, which i started on friday and nearly made me lose the will to live.

(and there are SO many of them. SO many.)

i legitimately asked myself if i would rather eat glass than grade these papers. the answer is, of course, no, but…i had to think about it for longer than i’d like. i would, i think, eat non-toxic glue if someone promised me i wouldn’t have to grade. or cottage cheese (which, in my mind, are on par with each other).

sigh.

…started watching “Greek” on ABC Family. Dang college shows with their stupidly adorable boys. Bah.

…gone to FHE at all. i felt like junk. i was already in my pajamas (and had been all day) but i got up and took a shower and put on some workout pants and a long-sleeved t-shirt and some fluffy socks to make myself feel better. i pulled my hair back and i let it go a little naturally curly.

did i look great? no. not by any stretch. but i was clean and i was present.

and then one of the FHE guys comes in and is like (mind you, this takes place in MY LIVING ROOM) ‘gosh, carrie, why are you so dressed up?’

at that point, i gave up. i told my roommate the only reason i was there was because she asked me to do the lesson and i didn’t want to slack.  she said that, if i didn’t want to be there, they would just figure it out.

so i went in my room…and cried.  this time, i called my mom.  she told me to give myself permission to just go to bed and stop yelling at myself for not getting done what i had anticipated getting done today and instead congratulate myself for getting done what i DID get done with what i had to give today, which was basically nothing.

i am officially giving up.  going to bed. hoping that tomorrow will be better. it has to be, right?

 

 

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One Response to “things i probably shouldn’t have done today.”

  1. You’re silly for thinking you needed to come to FHE in the first place, next time just say you can’t and that’s that. Nobody’s gonna lose an eye if the lesson is a little spur of the moment. And Tristan did a great job on the lesson, how I would love to be able to whip something out of my butt like that.

    also, the goal of exercising should be health. you’re getting healthier. that’s the most important thing. when my friend is done with it I’m going to make you read Body Wars, because it is amazing and should be mandatory reading for all girls before they hit middle school and hate themselves. You read it and can’t help but feel beautiful and that feeling stays with you for a long time. Good for the soul and all that.

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