the graffiti may be misspelled, but otherwise, it’s a pretty nice place.

apparently, closure is a journey, not a destination. i think i only know that the journey has ended, to some degree, when i realize that i have stopped thinking about wanting/needing/wishing for it. when the sword of the situation ceases to feel like it’s hanging over my head and instead has just become another tool in my arsenal of life lessons.

it’s a interesting realization, actually, one that made itself really clear after an unexpected experience that can only be described as the result of divine intervention. it was so perfect and necessary and amazing…it could only be the result of Someone who can orchestrate things that are so perfectly tailored for my needs.

that’s certainly not me.

life lessons are all about the struggle. i think this is sort of an obvious assertion, but i’m really learning lessons from the struggles in my life right now. my frustration, for example, with lots of things over the past week has been revelatory in some ways to me. i’ve felt damned in some way–stymied, stopped, stuck. nothing that i wanted to do was happening. progress happened (if it happened at all) amid a desire percolating with ambition. i didn’t stop working. i didn’t stop trying. i just kept putting one foot in front of the other, with the faith and hope that that struggle, that effort, will pay off.

in some ways, i’m still waiting.

but i’m beginning to honor the struggle and the fight. this fact’s literalized by my new habit of working out.

(i know you’re tired of hearing about this, for which i suppose i should apologize. when i say that this new habit is so absolutely and fundamentally foreign to me that it forces me to write about it just to deal with the fact that it’s quickly becoming a part of who i am…i hope that helps. there’s a whole post brewing about that…but that’s another day.)

i was on the treadmill today (back on the workout wagon with only two days off after the spurt of death-feeling! amazing!) and it was a 4 mile moderate training day (which translates into either something like walking at 3.5 mph or going at an incline or doing both, if you’re a superstar like my roommate). towards the end of the hour, crazy sweaty and feeling like i wasn’t sure if i could finish this, there was only a moment that i considered stopping.

a split second.

and then it was more like “how do i get through this?” rather than “how do i get out of this?” the struggle, for me, becomes the benefit. getting through it, figuring a way THROUGH it rather than getting saved FROM it, is what is reaping so many benefits for me.

i’m usually looking for the light at the end of the tunnel.

right now, i’m enjoying the view inside.

it’s a really weird thing. i kind of like it.

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One Response to “the graffiti may be misspelled, but otherwise, it’s a pretty nice place.”

  1. so what is this workout plan exactly??

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