snapshots.

i saw a man probably in his late 60s riding a bike on campus today. this was no ordinary bike. picture the bike popularized by the wicked witch of the west in the wizard of oz, update it a smidge, and you’ve got our bike.

add a wire basket on the front, with a black leather briefcase upended inside.

then, picture the man dressed all in khaki–khaki pants, khaki windbreaker, khaki shapeless fishing hat–and you’ve got our guy.

that made me smile.

why is it impossible for me to just learn from my mistakes? please imagine the following internal dialogue. be quiet. you know you have them too.

me: what are you doing?

me2: what are you talking about? i’m not doing anything…

me: really? REALLY? that’s what you’re going with? you’re not DOING anything? okay, smartaleck. what are you THINKING?

me2: shut up. i don’t know.

me: yes you do.

me2: shut up. i know.

me: do you really want to end up there again? the place you’ve been before?

me2: no. i’m not going to–oh, shut up.

me: you know better.

me2: i know.

me: me too. that’s why i’m saying this. so how about you get OFF of AIM and go to bed and do something productive?

me2: you’re right. i know you’re right. what is WRONG with me?

me: if i knew that, wouldn’t i be out of job?

me2: oh shut up. nobody likes snarky and condescending.

(and scene.)

it’s nothing earthshattering. nothing landmark. i just realized, happily before i completely climbed aboard the crazy train, that i was doing it and i really wonder why it is i just keep retreading this path.

it’s not the person’s fault. we’re actually completely and weirdly cool. this entirely about me. why wouldn’t somebody want to hang out with/talk to me all of the time? i am AMAZING.

really, i am.

why do i care, though? blah blah blah big heart loving nature charitable friend to all mankind loyal blah blah blah. i don’t want to hear it. it’s not that. it’s entirely an ego trip. i don’t want the situation back to where it was before. i just want to be in control and have things happen entirely on my terms this time. which is just. so. wrong. because what does it do?

puts me out of control, ironically enough.

enough already.

goodness.

you ever have moments when you’re like “where’d that come from?”

yeah.

so when you realize that, somewhere in the deep recesses of your brain, you know that grow is an irregular verb and you can say that to an ESL student that you’re tutoring, that happens.

weird.

the random crap that populates my brain never ceases to astound me.

i am beginning to really and truly believe that this is my fate soon. my life seems to be characterized by mounds and mounds of paper–books i need to read, looming ever larger in my vision; chapters that need revising and writing and sending to committee members; junk mail–oh, the junk mail–that needs sorting and shredding; student papers to read and proposals to respond to; fellowship applications to manage; bills to pay…you see how the list goes on and on.

so, if i don’t show up for a week or so, can someone send somebody over to my house? a little text message? some facebook love?

i might be suffocating under bram stoker and ann radcliffe and the combined weight of 4598 credit card offers that i don’t need.

i mean, i’m pretty sure i’m already metaphorically suffocating under it all, but, to paraphrase and completely rewrite BNL…who needs air?

nah, you’re never gonna get it.

edited to add:

i just got this email, and i just wanted to cackle:

GRADUATE SCHOOL PROFESSIONAL DEVELOPMENT WORKSHOP

Topic: “Overcoming Stress in Graduate School”
Date: Friday April 4, 2008
Time: 1:00 p.m. to 2:00 p.m.
Location: 201-A Criser Hall

This one-hour workshop will provide graduate students with helpful tips and techniques on managing stress and achieving academic success.

is it NOT supposed to stress us out that this workshop took place ONE WEEK AGO? and we’re just getting the email now?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

ahem.

happy weekend, all. may you find speed in your work, lightness in your step, and gator pride in your orange and blue.

Advertisements

2 Responses to “snapshots.”

  1. haha . . . you make me smile 🙂

  2. It’s funny because some days? Your head and my head say exactly the same thing. And don’t worry, if you didn’t show up for class on Tuesday…we’d call someone. 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: